appraoching storm

The storm has crept into my view
I feel unsettled air
The skies have darkened shades of blue;
Winds take little care
My earth does shake, my heart does race
As enters now the rain
In clouds I see your smiling face
And in my heart, a pain
In the flash of light that streaks above
I shall not place my trust
For this which I believe is love
May prove to be a short-lived lust
With care I will endure this storm,
This power I’d ne’er known
For when these violencies do dim to dorm
Will I be left alone?

I like the rhythm of your poem, but coupled with the rhyme, I found very distracting. I had to read your poem two times: once to listen to the sound of it, and the second to try and figure out what's going on.

Air and car don't really rhyme. Also, the car isn't really all that relevant, so maybe you could change it?

n the flash of light that streaks above
I shall not place my trust
For this which I believe is love
May prove to be a short-lived lust

This is my favorite part.

For when these violencies do dim to dorm

I don't know what you're saying here. It rhymes nicely, but what does it actually mean?

I like the imagery a lot. I'd love to see a poem by you without the rhyming. I don't think it's necessary, and it seems like it's holding something back.

Thanks for posting!

ohh sorry its suppose to say care instead of car...i fixed it though.

*singerofthenight* wrote:The storm has crept into my view
I feel unsettled air
The skies have darkened shades of blue;
Winds take little care
My earth does shake, my heart does race
As enters now the rain
In clouds I see your smiling face
And in my heart, a pain
In the flash of light that streaks above
I shall not place my trust
For this which I believe is love
May prove to be a short-lived lust
With care I will endure this storm,
This power I’d ne’er known
For when these violencies do dim to dorm
Will I be left alone?

I really liked the rhythm used in this. Excellent rhyming as well. I do have some confusion though about the meaning of this poem. Try to add more specific details into this to not confuse the reader. Good work!

-Rick.

I have one big thing to say about your poem. You didn't have any periods at the end of your stanzas or any commas.
What up with dat?
I thought it very good! I think that I will print it. Do you mind?
If yes then that will be great! If no, then that's fine with me!
Also, you forgot to capitilize your title. Very Essential.
Nice job though!
Get back to me as soon as possible! (ASAP)
Shanan-cat!

Hm... this is okay? The rhyming is pretty good, but as Jenna said, it kind of holds something back... have you ever tried non-rhyming poetry? You should -- it's very liberating.

I noticed that you use mostly visual imagery here. You might try using more of the five senses to create a more... three-dimensional poem, you know? As in, how the rain feels upon hitting your skin, the smells, the sounds, the tastes... all that. ^^

It's also slightly cliched to use the storm as a metaphor for love/lust. Better than a sunset or just rain, but still... you can do better! Love doesn't always have to be related/compared to dramatic weather (i.e sunsets, rainstorms, etc). Try to be more original.

Overall, I'd say either a 60% or a 65%... possibly a 70%? I don't know -- I'm not much of a poetry critique.

Good luck!

- Camille xx

ok thanks guys...yes you can print it shanon.

I really love the rythem of your poem, it flows really smooth. = ) Which I think is obviously one of the most important things about writing a poem. I was a little confused as to what it was about though, you might want to make it a little more clear to your reader or maybe it put it in a metaphorical sence if you don't want it spelled out word for word. ( not that any poem is..) Sorry if I'm not making any sence xD I'm new to youngwriters and am probably not the best at critiquing but good job and keep writing.

I really liked this poem, really liked it. The rhyming scheme flowed very well and created a nice rhythm. I saw some alliteration also ("do dim to dorm")! I always like to see stuff like that and you created some great imagery as well. Overall I think you did a great job. I would have also liked to have seen some more detail and maybe make it a little longer but that's just me and my opinion.

KeishaAnn=]

Thanks for the okay!
shanan-cat!

I liked it. nicely done, awesome!

This was very good. There was so little words, but soooo much meaning in every word you wrote. The rhyming was good and you didn't sound as if you were forcing the rhymes. That is a skill that you need to keep. Good job on this one! As always keep writing!

hey! awsum poem.

I won't try and critique it as all the points have probably been covered above.

There is a brilliant use of vocab, in that i can visualise the dark 'storminess'.

I think I get the meaning of the poem, if it is what I think then you have done very well to subtly bring across your point, and the emotions that you are feeling.

Good work, I look forward to reading the rest of your portfolio.