Trails of Guardian

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The rules that come to being a guardian have always been straight and to the point. A guardian must always protect their client, a guardian must not stray from their job, a guardian must not develop feelings for the person they are protecting and most of importantly--a guardian must be prepared at all cost to give up there lives--these are the four main rules of being a guardian--and it’s these four rules that should never be broken…
But despite this fact…these rules have been broken before, and there will always be a chance that they will be broken again…


The sound of a stick tapping against the ground could be heard as he stood on banks of the river. I could tell that he was getting tired of waiting for me--and any moment now, he’d probably snap and tell me to get my butt moving--it was just the way he was.

“Mardi!” the sound of his voice filled the air a second later. “What’s taking you so long?! Of all of the girl’s I’ve ran into, I find it hard to imagine that you’d be one of those that take forever to decide on what they’re going to wear….”
“Haha.” I said, as I stepped out of the tent I had been sleeping in. “Very funny.” I grumbled softly as I struggled to tug down on the new clothing I was wearing--trying my best to get comfortable in them--but it was hard. I wasn’t exactly used to wearing clothes as tight as these. Not only that--but he was forcing me to keep my wings and tail hidden.
“Tell me again why I have to wear these stupid clothes?” I asked, as I crossed my arms across my chest and gave a bit of a huff.
“Because.” he said, as he turned around to him. His furry, round bear-like ears twitched a bit as he stared at me. “We’re heading towards a town where you’re kind isn’t welcome.” he stated simply. “And I prefer that we kept out of trouble--at least this once.”
“….are you saying that I’m troublesome?”
“Pretty much.” He stated. “GAH!!!” he let out a yell in pain as he stumbled forward.

Rubbing his furry covered hands through his short spiky black hair. Turning around, he saw me holding onto a rather large stick. “What the hell was that for?!” he roared at me a second later.
“You’re the one who opened you’re mouth.” I replied stubbornly and gave a bit of a snort.
“You didn’t have to hit me so hard--especially since even you know it’s the truth.” he growled.
“…do you want me to smack you again?” I asked, as I held up the stick and growled loudly. “Just because it might be true--doesn’t mean I want other people pointing it out for me!!” I gave a bit of a huff a second later and turned my back on him.
“Geez--you’re completely nuts--aren’t you?” he stated rather bluntly. Causing me to let out a bit of a growl, gripping the stick I was holding onto.
“You take that back!!” I yelled as I charged towards him, lifting the stick into the air--preparing to hit him with it again. I let out another snarl, as I swung the stick forward--expecting it to make contact with him. However, much to my surprise, the impact that I expected didn’t happen.
“You’re going to have to do better than that…” he said with a bit of a smirk as his right hand gripped onto the stick. He had stopped it just before it could make contact with him. He held onto the top of the stick tightly, before jerking it forward, causing me to get pulled forward with it. A second later, he grabbed onto my wrist and pulled my forward as well.
“And since you attacked me.” he said, his grin quickly widening. “You’ll get what’s coming for you.” With that said, he pulled me over his shoulder, spinning gracefully on the front of his feet, before slamming me hard into the ground. I gave a bit of a gasp as my back hit the ground, the pure force of my body impacting with the ground’s hard surface had completely knocked the wind out of me.

Rolling over onto my side, I hung my head over and coughed a few more times. Before glancing up towards him.
“…was that really needed…?” I spoke shakily, trying to regain the breath I had just lost from my lungs. Lifting my hand, I wiped it across my mouth and coughed once again.
“Well--you’re the one who attacked me.” He replied simply. Leaning over, he offered me his hand, in order to help me to my feet. I stared at him for a bit, a bit, before pulling my lightly tanned hand away from him.
“No thanks.” I said stubbornly, placing my hand down on the ground and pushing myself to my feet. Brushing myself off, I glanced back up at him, causing my mixed matched, purple and silver eyes to come in contact with his bright gold ones.

…His eyes… I thought to myself. …they’ve always been so beautiful…so gold--almost like two amber stones---
“Earth to Mardi!” the sound of his voice snapped me out of my thoughts, causing me to being to look back and forth for a moment.
“Huh-wha?!” I asked confused, after a few seconds of looking around a bit more.
“…are you okay?” he asked.
“Yea--of course.” I said. “Why do you ask Buuchi.” Causing him to give a bit of a shiver.
“I wish you wouldn’t call me by my first name..” he grumbled softly.
I grinned widely, chuckling softly. “It’s not my fault you were giving such a silly name.”
“Shut it…” Buuchi muttered.
“Anyway--why did you ask if I was okay earlier?” I questioned.
“You were just staring off into space.” he explained. “Furthermore, you were staring off into space while you were staring at me.”
“So?” I said with a bit of a shrug. “I was thinking about something.”
“Right…” Buuchi said as he raised an eyebrow. “Was it something that had to do with me?”
“No.” I replied quickly, not really wanting him to find out that I thought his eyes were pretty. If I did that, he might use it to his advantage when it came to getting beneath my skin.
“I don’t believe you.” he said. “I think you’re lying, I think you don’t want me to know that you like me--or at least something about me.”

His statement caused me to freeze up a bit, which caused a smirk to spread across his face. “Am I right?”
“N-no!” I sputtered out, before growling a bit. “Why would you think of something stupid like that?!”
“Because Mardi--you’re blushing.” he began to snicker softly.

I stood in front of Buuchi and opened my mouth, before quickly closing it. Staring straight at the approximately 6’2” tall young man. This young man had short black spiky hair, which seemed to add a bit of contrast to his bright gold eyes. But, it wasn’t his eyes that drew the most attention to him, no--it was something else. Two things to be exact, and those two things were the pair of white, furry, bear ears that were sticking out from his head and the light fur that he had on his hands and feet--not to mention that the only thing that he was wearing was a pair of denim pants. Who was this man that was standing in front of me? This was my guardian--and his name was…Buuchi.

******


Walking along a small dirt path, my feet gently brushed against the ground. Sending any loose stones that were resting on the path, tumbling along the path’s surface. The path that we were walking along was one of the few remain paths that lead to the town of Nizui--which was our initial destination at the time. And the town of Nizui was the reason why I was stuck wearing such uncomfortable clothing.

“…Mardi--Mardi…” I could hear the sound of Buuchi’s voice, but my didn’t seem to be registering it at the time. It was as if my mind was only half way there at the time--which of coarse ticked him off.
“MARDI!!!” his voice slammed full force into my ear, causing me to stumble sideways, before rubbing my ear a bit.
“What?!” I yelled back as I turned around to him and let out a bit of a growl.
“You were zoning out again.” he stated simply, causing me to stare at him a bit dumb founded.
“Is that all you wanted to tell me?” I asked.
“No.”
“Then what else?!”
“We’re here.” Buuchi said, as he pointed ahead of us.
“…Oh…” I said, before looking in the direction that my guardian pointed.

Stretched out in front of us was a large town, the town was mainly made up of small houses, which were divided by a cobble stone path which lead through the town. Not many of the houses or buildings in the town were very big--except for one that stood in the very back of the town. Unlike the rest of the houses and buildings, this was mainly because of the size of the building and the way it towered over the rest of the small buildings.
Besides the building’s size, the building’s outside décor was incredible, large stone gargoyles could be seen lining the top of the building and fancy stone curls and curves could be seen along the exterior walls. The building had a reddish tint to the brings. It also had many windows to it as well. On the very top of the building’s roof was what looked like a fancy cross. It had a round circle design in the middle of it, causing the middle of the cross to look a bit like a lock on symbol that would be seen when a gun is aimed at a target.

“That’s your destination.” Buuchi said, as he said, pointing in the direction of the large building, which resembled what looked like a cathedral at the point. “That’s where I was instructed to take to you.”
“A cathedral? Why there of all places?” I asked as I stared at him a bit curiously, before tilting my head to the side. “I mean--out of all of the places that I could be left--why a cathedral, it’s the last place that I expect to be trusted, especially with my race and all.”
“Hell if I know.” Buuchi replied as he began to walk down the hill we were standing on and head in the direction of the town.
“What is the name of this town anyway?” I asked, causing him to look back towards me.
“Niziu.” he said, and pointed at a sign that had the town’s name carved and painted into it.
“Niziu?!” I exclaimed, staring at him rather surprised. Even I knew that Niziu was the last place that my race belonged. The people of Niziu were not welcoming to my kind or any species related to the youkai family.
“Why the hell are we here?!” I snarled at Buuchi, who blinked in surprise. He apparently wasn’t expecting that kind of reaction from me.
“What’s so wrong about being here--you’re kind is barely welcome anywhere!” Buuchi said, rather insultingly--even though it wasn’t completely intentionally. “What’s so different about being in this town, than anywhere else?!”

I stared at Buuchi for a moment, and opened my mouth for a moment. A second later I quickly closed my mouth.
“Well?!?” Buuchi asked, crossing his arms as he stared at me. I continued to stare at him a bit, before opening my mouth again.
“Because!!” I yelled out, then fell silent again. I didn’t want to tell him the truth--but I knew if I didn’t, he was going to be quiet upset with me--especially since I vaguely remember him telling me that I could tell him anything--if anything was wrong. We were supposed to trust each other--and here I was, keeping secrets from him. Looking away from him for a moment, I swallowed, before looking back towards him. I could hear him tapping his bare, semi furry foot against the ground softly. He was obviously loosing his patient at the moment.
“Mardi!!” he yelled out, causing me to jump back in surprise. I stared at him for a moment, before stammering for a bit.
“I-I’m sorry!” I suddenly yelled out. “I..I didn’t mean to keep anything from you!” I fidgeted for a moment. My normally, calm and somewhat arrogant personality was quickly falling apart.

Buuchi let out a sigh as he stared at me. Placing his hand on his face for a moment, he closed his eyes and began to rub his left temple.
“…whatever.” he said, sounding quite upset at me. “I don’t believe you Mardi--I told you that you could tell me when something was wrong--and yet--all this time you’ve been keeping something from me!”
“I said I was sorry…” I mumbled out.
“That isn’t good enough!” he yelled at me, as he pulled his hand from his face and gripped it into a fist. “I thought we trusted each other Mardi!!” he gritted his teeth as he growled. “Yet--you hid things for me--and now all you have to say on you’re side is I’m sorry?!” he practically roared at me. As he yelled, the fur on his body began to thicken. The Were-blood in his veins was beginning to react to his anger. He snarled loudly, as he gripped his had into a tighter fist. He was getting very close to go berserk--which I had only seen once before--and for me--it was one of the most frightening things I had seen…

“I’m sorry!” I said. “What do you want me to do?! Do you want me to tell you what I’ve been hiding?! Is that what you want?!”
He stared at me, before beginning to move forward. As he got closer to me, he caused me to back up against a tree that was just on the very outskirt of the town. He growled at him a bit more, before swinging his fist forward and slamming it into the tree’s trunk. The sound of his fist slamming into the truck caused me to let out a scream in surprise, before quickly opening my eyes, trying to make sure that he hadn’t hit me.
“…that…would help..” he snarled at me, as he snarled--I could see his canine’s quickly doubling in size, as the blood continued to take control.
“..al-alright…” I said softly, before reaching up and suddenly hugging onto him. “J-just calm down…please.” I watched him as he just stood there, not seeming to make any reaction to the fact that I was holding onto him, trying to keep him from going berserk.

“..tell me.” he mumbled softly, causing me to glance towards him. I could hear his voice next to my ear. Just by listening to his voice, I could tell that he was still upset--and also--that he didn’t want to look at me at the moment. Buuchi wasn’t proud of the Were-blood that ran through his veins. I pulled my arms away from him slowly and allowed them to hang at my side.
“Alright…” I said, after a long silence. I really did not wish to tell him the truth, but it seemed that I didn’t have any choice in the matter. Letting out a bit of a sigh, I closed my eyes and tried to figure out where to begin.

“The townsfolk in Niziu have a long history for hating my kind.” I explained as I stared at him for a moment. Glancing down, I stared at a small marking that was tattooed around my wrist. “As the tales go--my kind was notorious for attacking small towns and taking what they pleased from it--but the town that got hit the hardest…was Niziu--now, not all of my kind were like that, but a great deal of them were. They would join up in groups and plan out their attacks on scouted towns, before making their move during the night.” I let out a bit of a sigh, and attempted to take another breath so I could continue explaining. “Niziu was always on the list, and usually they had exactly what the group wanted and they would leave the town once they found what they were searching for. However, there was one year when Niziu had hit a bit of a drought and they ended up not having what the group had came to take--because of that--the group lashed out at the town…even thought it wasn’t they’re home. Niziu was practically destroyed…” I looked away slowly. “And I’m not sure if they’ve fully managed to get their town rebuilt---even after all that time.” I fell silent after explaining. Standing there, Buuchi leaned back and stared at me.
“That’s why you were so upset.” he said and let out a bit of a sigh.

He stared at me for a bit longer, before looking away. A part of him didn’t seem to believe that the story was actually real at the point, but he didn’t know what else to go on.
“…and you’re race is…” he said rather abruptly, causing me to stare at him in a bit of a shock.
“My race?” I asked, as I stared at him. I saw him nod for a moment, before letting out a bit of a sigh
How did he not know what my race was…I figured the tattoo on my wrist would have giving it away--not to mention my tail… I thought about it for a moment or two. Thinking about it a bit more, I looked back towards Buuchi and shook my head for a moment.
“My race isn’t important.” I said, staring at him. “Let’s just get this journey over with.”
Buuchi stared at me, before rolling his eyes for a moment. “Alright--whatever you say.” he said, and began to head towards the town.


*****


“…well…” Buuchi said, as he looked towards me for a moment. I stared back at him and let out a bit of a sigh. The two of us found ourselves standing outside of the massive cathedral. We stared up at it, as if we were trying to see the top of it--even though we knew never could.
“This is where I say goodbye.” Buuchi said, as he stared at me.
“Yeah…” I mumbled. I could already tell that this by was going to be short and very simple.

Looking away from my guardian, I raised my hand for a moment and took a deep breath, before knocking on the large wooden door in front of me. I could hear the sound of my knock almost echoing through the massive building. It was a bit unsettling to tell the truth. About a second later, the sound of the door creaking open could be heard. As it opened, a small woman could be seen staring through the door.
“Ello?” the woman asked, before looking at us.
“Hello.” I said. “My name’s Mardi and---”
“Oh yes yes!” the woman said, suddenly cutting me off without any warning., causing me to blink curiously. I stared at the woman for a bit longer, before glancing back towards Buuchi, who shrugged.
“Come in, come in.” the woman said, as she pushed the door open, and lead me inside. She looked toward Buuchi and bowed a bit. “Thank you for escorting her here.” the woman said, and slowly closed the door.

Buuchi stared at the door silently for a moment, before letting out a bit of as sigh. Staring at the door a bit longer, he slowly turned around and began to walk away.
I don’t have anything left to do… he thought to himself, as he slid his hands into his pocket. My job here is done--so I have no more reason for staying here…yet…despite that…for some reason I feel uneasy… Giving his head a shake, he pushed the thoughts into the back of his mind. He had did his job, he had escorted Mardi to where she needed to be and she was safe now…

Looking back once more, he gave a bit of a grin and turned around again, preparing to walk off and head back home. It was about that time, that two people walked past him, mumbling something between each other.
“…it’s happened…” one of them said. “The cathedral has finally gotten it’s newest gift to be given to the God.”
That statement caused Buuchi to freeze, he spun around quickly and grabbed onto the person who was speak.
“What did you just say?!” he exclaimed.
“Wh--what do you mean?” the person stuttered out in shock.
“You said something about a gift to the God--what do you mean?!” he growled.
“Th-the cathedral, every couple months they find one of a race that is unwanted and sacrifice to their God in order to keep this town safe.”

the person quickly pulled away afterwards and ran for it--leaving Buuchi frozen.
He had just failed his job. True--he had escorted Mardi to where she was supposed to go--but he had just handed her over to die…
Last edited by Sercous02 on Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:58 am, edited 2 times in total.




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“….are you saying that I’m troublesome?”


Ellipses have only three dots, not four.

“…well…” Buuchi said, as he looked towards me for a moment.


Put ellipses on one side or the other, but not both. I think that it should be "Well..." This would insert a pause before more speaking. "...well?" is one that is used to indicate an opinion.

“Yea--of course.” I said. “Why do you ask Buuchi.” Causing him to give a bit of a shiver.


Should be "yeah." Yea is something you say if you agree to a vote, versus nay if you disagree. Yeah is more for a casual agreement.

“Pretty much.” He stated. “GAH!!!” he let out a yell in pain as he stumbled forward. Rubbing his furry covered hands through his short spiky black hair. Turning around, he saw me holding onto a rather large stick. “What the hell was that for?!” he roared at me a second later.


There is no mention of the stick actually hitting him, although as much is implied. You should include a sentence saying that she hits him with a stick, that way Buuchi doesn't look insane.

I stared at Buuchi for a moment, and opened my mouth for a moment. A second later I quickly closed my mouth.


This could probably be written better. Maybe "I stared at Buuchi for a moment and opened my mouth to speak, but quickly closed my mouth."

All in all this seems fairly well written. The errors are mostly minor and can be caught just by reading it aloud in a monotone voice.
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Thanks GriffinKeeper. I probably should have read it over again before I posted it XD. Next time I'll make sure to do that so I won't have so many errors--but thanks ^^




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To pass along a piece of advice given to me I would suggest taking it out of the "pre" format. The font is hard to read and, as I've seen many times, critics will pass up a piece of writing due to this fact.

I'll be glad to review this if you change out of the "pre" format. Fell free to pm me :smile:.
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Alright--thanks for the advice--I wasn't sure about it right away because it looked all jumbled at first--but I'll take it out of the pre and pm it to you ^^




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I should have also mentioned spacing out the paragraphs and dialogue once you took it out of pre. Otherwise its just a big block of text, yet another thing that irritates future reviewers.

I'll check back soon!
“Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”

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Ahh okay. I'll remember that next time when I decide--or chose--which story I want to submit next. ^^ Thanks for the advice




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As I was reading it wasn't exactly captivating, there is little substance and soul to the character, the way you write is very passive and does not grab a hold of the readers attention.

"Rubbing his furry covered hands through his short spiky black hair. Turning around, he saw me holding onto a rather large stick."

Just an example, but one of many. This is all passive. Yes, you are describing it, but it is just weakly stated.

Holding the back of his head, he swiftly turned around and yelled, "What the hell was that for?!"

This captures the confusion and anger to the response of that sudden hit. You merely implied it and danced around saying what he did rather then how he did it. If you whack someone on the head, even for a stupid reason, detail it. That goes double for comedic moments.

Fix up all this weak-willed sentences that comprise your character movements, the dialog is pretty good, but too childish in some parts. Which I am guessing you will look over in editting anyways and make a few changes of your own.
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Thank you. I'll edit a few things and see if I can make it better. But I'm happy to get the advice, it helps me figure out what I need to fix and what not and what I can do it make it better.
I'll edit it when i can. thanks again.




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Overall it sounds really interesting, but I think you should space your paragraphs more. The way it is now made it difficult to follow.
DANCE- Like no-one is watching
LOVE- Like you've never been hurt
SING- Like no-one is listening
LIVE- Like it's heaven on earth.

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Hey there! I really liked this piece, overall. I think you have a very engaging writing style that kept me reading.

A couple of things:

Rubbing his furry covered hands through his short spiky black hair.


This is a sentence fragment. You have to make it a complete sentence, "He rubbed his hands...etc." You understand? Also, you mentioned twice that he has short spiky black hair. You don't need to beat a dead horse with the issue.

At one point you said "patient" instead of "patience," just a wrong usage of the word. Also, you once said "you're" instead of "your." Just some little mistakes and typos to keep an eye out for before posting.

Overall, this is a very good piece - first chapter? - and I especially liked your first paragraph. Just little nitpicky things like sentence fragments, run-on sentences and grammar nastiness to work out. An interesting idea, althought the whole idea of the guardian developing feelings for his client seems a little predictable.

Continue, pray continue!

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Thank your Sylverdawn and Sokool, I'm glad that you liked it. ^^ I'll probably post another story up here sometime soon, but I'm going to look over it first, see if I can catch any typos XD They always seems to sneak past me.



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