John's Query

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[pre] “Sweet Jesus!” The old man’s voice echoed slightly, the kind of echo that lingers on concrete walls. A car had just struck a small child, who was now sprawled out on the asphalt as if he were already on the autopsy table. The child’s mother bent over him, crying and calling out to the night. “My god, is he okay? SOMEONE GET AN AMBULANCE!” The old man rushed out, then back into his shop in a confused panic while the driver of the car tried to comfort the woman, but to no avail. She just stared at him with rubbed-red eyes, as she mouthed My baby repeatedly like a mantra to the God she was beginning to doubt.. The old man now emerged from his shop wielding a cell phone he barely understood. “Now how do you work this dang contrap—There it is. Operator?”

“Poor thing. Didn’t even see it comin’.”
“It’s a shame, is what it is. It’s a damn shame. Wha—What do you… I mean, what do you think it’s like?” This wasn’t the first time that John seemed inquisitive about death. In fact, he was obsessed with it.
“Sigh. Well, I—Gosh. I really just… I don’t know what to tell you. I guess, well, I mean, I guess it would just be like… You’re there, and then, all of a sudden… then you’re not. Y’know?”
“I guess. Do y—Do you think there’s anything after?”
“I really couldn’t tell you. I guess, we’ll just have to find out when it happens. I—Ha—I hope I don’t find out any time soon, y’know what I’m sayin’?”
“Yeah,” John tried the best he could to sound amused, but it still didn’t sound genuine, “I guess I do.”
“Well, look, I’m gonna get outta here. You wanna, like, go grab a coffee or something?”
“Nah. I’ll stay here. I got some paperwork to fill out.”
“Alright, well, be careful drivin’ home, y’know, ya got all kinds a maniacs out there this time a night. See ya later.”
“Yeah, you too.” There was no paperwork. John just stared at the small child on the slab. “Where are you? Where are you now?” Then, the child—no, it couldn’t be—but, it was: The child began to sit up on the table. He looked John square in the eye and said, “Nowhere. Nowhere at all.”
RRrrrrrriiiinngg! John looked at the phone, looked back at the child, who still lay on the table, the sheet perfectly undisturbed. “Hello? Yeah. No, I’m leaving right now. Y—Okay. Alright honey. See you in a b—" He slowly pulled the phone away from his face, closed it. The drive home was long and uneventful, at least in reality. At every intersection, a car came towards John, just to disappear at the moment it would have hit him. At every green light, a pedestrian walked in front of him, only to vanish as John hit the brake. Every house, every car, every shop was being broken into by identical men holding rifles. Yet, there were no alarms, no broken glass, no screams of death. Just the sound of tires rolling on asphalt and wind blowing across the car. When he arrived home, he ventured tepidly into the foyer, and called out, “Hello?” His wife walked down the stairs, clad in a robe, and shushed him, warning him he’d wake the kids. “Sorry, I’ve jus—I’ve just been really jumpy lately. It was a, uh—a tough day at work. Sorry.”[/pre]
Last edited by vanmahoney on Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:20 am, edited 2 times in total.




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I liked the beginning of this, it was dramatic and interesting, but there was a bit of repetition, for example the word 'echo' being repeated in the same sentence, and I very quickly got confused as to what was going on.

Obviously there is a change of scene, but it was very abrupt and confusing and doesn't make much sense.

The old man rushed in his shop


Do you mean to put 'rushed out of his shop'?

She just stared at him with rubbed-red eyes, the saliva forming a pool on her tongue almost draining out her mouth as she mouthed My baby repeatedly like a mantra to the God she was beginning to doubt..


This sentence here is far too long, and doesn't really make sense either. I would get rid of the bit in bold. 'My baby', should be in quotation marks, how I just put it. Single full stop at the end. :wink:

The old man now emerged from his shop wielding a cell phone his kids had convinced him to buy in case of emergency


Again, I'd get rid of the bit in bold, it's unnecessary.

It's very short too. It could do with some development of the accident scene, which would make it clearer what was going on after that.

Otherwsie, good start. :)
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor




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Thanks for the advice. I've edited accordingly. I had written more, but isn't complete, and this was the best stopping place I could find.




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I liked the start of it. But then I felt like it got kind of weird. Isn't John an old man? And isn't he the one talking? I got confused, because he talked slightly the way a teenager would. I would've thought that he would be concerned and have a fatherly air about him.

But it was interesting. I also liked the ending.



I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing.
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