Despair

Once there was a horse who said "Why?
Can't I fly like a bird in the sky?"
So he grew some wings,
but they were tiny things,
and wouldn't take him high in the sky.

The horse began to cry
"I can't fly very high in the sky!"
So he pulled off the wings
And burned those cursed things!
and then went off to die.

Two things to point out. First off, your title. I don't know if you did it purposely, but I think you mean "Despair".

The last thing...I actually thought this was a good poem except for the end. The end didn't seem to tie the piece together at all. More like you just slapped it on there for the lack of anything better...

Hehe! I liked those lymerics! The second is a little bit out of rhythm, and the title is spelt wrong, but aside frm that I loved it!

hummm..

well, the poem was a bit jerky,
and the ending was a bit murky.
but other that that,
you've got it down pat!


nice rhyming as well!

Ooooh,- Catchy beat!
I liked the poem, and there's not much else to add that the other's haven't said, so I'll have to point out the one sad fact that's ruining the poem- you haven't critiqued anyone else yet! Please do, and do it soon, okay? It's one of the rules. You'll get more critiques, and you'll learn from watching other's mistakes. OK, you've got that down, I suppose. Bye now- A.K.

First of all, change your title it's 'Despair' dear not 'Dispair'.

It has a catchy beat, for a cheer.

O...I liked the first part, but the second part...well...for me, it sounded really 'harsh' in comparison to the first. I mean...the end wasn't really suitable, it sounded a little 'off'.

But otherwise, the limerick was good! Nice beat.

Keep writing!

Lil_Pau

Thanks for all of the advice and feedback on my first post! I corrected the title - sorry about the misspelling

For some reason I keep coming back and reading this, it makes me smile... which it really shouldn't. However I just wanted to let you know that I think this is fantastic

Wow. I'm glad you changed the title already. Good job! If you need any help, just PM me!

Your theme is very good. I'd try experimenting with it, taking different approaches and using a variety of formats. If you want some new forms, do an internet search, or try "The Ode Not Travelled By", which is a great book. You should also find some formats if you root through the contests forum.

Your rhythm is a little off. Maybe try;

"Once there was a horse [s]who said[/s] and he asked "Why?
Can't I fly like a bird in the ebony sky?"
So he grew some wings,
but they were tiny things,
and wouldn't take him high [s]in the sky.[/s]

The horse [s]began[/s] started to cry
"I can't fly very high [s]in the sky!" [/s]
(I'd add another line here, adding to what the horse says)
So he pulled off the wings
And burned those cursed things[s]! [/s]
and then [s]went [/s] cantered off to die."

Note that some of the words I suggest aren't neccessarily perfect, I'm just attempting to make the rhythm a little more regular.

Hope this helps.

Jas