The First Born: Prologue (edited)

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You've all heard the fairy tale, right? The dwarf helps the miller's daughter spin hay into gold so the king won't kill her. The first time, she gives her necklace, the second, her ring, the third time, the first child she'll give birth to. In this alternate story line, Rumpelstiltskin does succeed in getting the baby, and you learn what the boy does years later after discovering his heritage. This is the prologue.

Prologue:

“What do you mean the midwives aren’t here?” cried Catherine as she was led to her four poster bed. The blankets had been recently stripped so they wouldn’t be stained. She moaned and grabbed her bulging stomach as the baby inside moved. Tears from the pain were beginning to form in her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” the little girl, Anna, yelped as Catherine gripped her hand tightly in reaction to the contractions. Her long, dark brown hair was tied up behind her head to keep it out of her face, and her crimson eyes were searching for any women that could help. “But you can’t blame them. You’re nearly a month early.”

Anna helped Catherine onto the bed and tried to calm her. Being only six years old, she had little or no clue what to do. She’d assisted on two births, but had never actually helped the baby out.

The manservant she’d sent for came stumbling in with a bucket of hot water and some rags.

“Set them by me,” Anna said as she pulled up her mistress’s nightgown. She could tell that the baby was well on its way.

The manservant rushed over, spilling some of the water on the carpet, and set it next to the little girl. He was fidgeting nervously and sweating like a pig.

“S-should I help?” he asked even though the idea obviously distressed him.

“I don’t think the queen would like that,” Anna said as she soaked one of the rags. “But find someone who can help.”

“Yes, I’ll do that,” he said with relief. He backed away and made sure his eyes didn’t wander to the bed as he left through the door.

Anna brushed away the queen’s dirty blonde hair and dabbed her forehead with the wet cloth. Her face was contorted in pain and she didn’t seam to notice the comfort. She cried out and dug her fingernails into her palms.

Realizing it was time, Anna moved in front of Catherine and began watching for the head. She was breathing awkwardly and gasping each time pain erupted from below. Anna began to feel unsure about herself. If she failed, the next ruler of the kingdom would be dead. She hid her doubts from the queen as best as she could.

“Get away from there, child!” came a sharp voice. Anna looked over and saw an old lady walking in through the doorway, her sleeves rolled up and her silvery hair tied back. “A young man told me the Queen was in labor.” she gazed over at Catherine with worry. “And I guess he wasn’t mistaken.” She walked over and shoed Anna off the bed. She took her place in front of Catherine and checked how far she’d dilated. “She seams pretty far along, so, child, I need you to get ready. As the baby comes out, wipe away the blood and try to comfort the Queen.” Anna nodded, happy to have someone take her place.

The hours dragged on as the old lady struggled with Catherine to push and keep her breathing steady. Anna tried her best to comfort and keep her calm, but the pain overcame her efforts. The baby seamed like it would never be born, but then, finally, the head became visible. Anna quickly started dabbing it with her wet cloth to wash away the blood as the old lady helped the baby on its way.

“Just a bit more,” the old lady told Catherine. She groaned loudly and pushed as hard as she could. The baby slid all the way out and into the hands of the old lady. She quickly swatted the infant’s bottom so it could cry and clear its lungs, and then she wrapped it in a blanket. She and Anna sighed in relief. It was finally over.

“Congratulations, my queen,” said the old lady. “It’s a boy.” She went to hand it over to Catherine, but something was wrong. She was still pushing. The old lady quickly handed the baby to Anna and tried to find out what was wrong. Then another head started to come out.

“T-twins,” Anna stuttered.

“Well don’t just stand there,” the old lady snapped. “We have another baby to deliver.” The two of them continued the process once again, dabbing the blood and helping the baby on its way. Before too long, two newborn brothers were laying by each other on the bed.

“Please,” Catherine said happily, “Let me see them.” She was sweating effusively and panting as the babies were passed to her arms. A tear of joy trickled down her cheek as she looked upon the faces of her sons. To her, they were the two most beautiful things in the world.

“Thank you both, so much,” Catherine said.

Anna and the old lady smiled modestly. “It was my honor,” the old lady said.

“Mine too,” Anna piped in.

Catherine looked at her two babies lovingly and said, “I want you two to name them.”

“Really?” Anna said eagerly. The old lady stayed silent, the idea of it not quite sunken in.

“Of course.”

The old lady looked towards the youngest of the two. She reached over and put a finger on his head and said, “I think this one is a Bartholomew.”

Catherine smiled. “I think you’re right. Now, Anna, what about your name?”

Anna thought about the name long and hard, making sure it wasn’t one that would be regretted. After a long time, she finally said, “How about Mathias?”

Catherine nodded. She brought the first born to her face and said, “Mathias it is.”

“Well, isn’t that lovely,” said someone with a gruff voice. The three of them jumped and looked over at the door. There was a shadow cast over it, but they could just barely make out the shape of a short, stocky person.

Anna was too frightened to speak. She looked over at the two women hopefully, but Catherine was petrified, shielding her babies, and the old woman had fainted and fallen to the floor.

The figure walked out of the dark and came into view. It was a dwarf standing about as tall as Anna, but at least three times as thick. He had a large nose, big ears, and a long, black beard that stretched to the floor. His clothes were no more than a bunch of rags that had been sloppily sewn together, and his big, burly arms were holding an assortment of old fruit, such as apples, peaches, and pears.

“W-who are you,” Anna managed to stutter as she slowly moved away from the dwarf until she was beside Catherine.

He smiled, revealing two rows of crooked teeth. “I’m Rumpelstiltskin, the one who spun Queeny’s hay into gold.” He picked a badly bruised apple from his collection and took a bite. It made a sickening squishing sound as he sunk his teeth into it, the expired juices running down his chin and into his beard. “And I’m here to collect what’s due. Her first born to be exact.” He smiled cruelly at Catherine, who was shaking terribly.

The dwarf walked over awkwardly, as if he had a limp. Anna began to noticed the revolting stench emanating from his obviously bath deprived body. It was so intense she wondered if she’d faint like the old lady had.

“Please, Rumpelstiltskin,” Catherine begged. He was now standing beside her, smiling at Mathias. “I’ll give you anything. All the kingdom’s gold can be yours if you just...”

“No,” The dwarf said simply. Anna watched in horror as he snatched Mathias from Catherine’s hands and jumped out of reach. The baby began to cry, and, in turn, his brother started as well.

“Something alive is more dear to my than all the treasure in the world, Queeny.” the dwarf said harshly. Catherine tried to reach for her baby, but she was too exhausted from the birth. She cried in self pity, begging for her first born.

“I think I’ll name him after me,” the dwarf said spitefully as he cradled Mathias in his arms. Anna was confused and horrified at what was taking place. Catherine seamed to understand perfectly, but why?

The distress of a mother replacing her fear and fatigue, the queen growled, “If you leave with Mathias my husband will find you. He will kill you.” Rumpelstiltskin stood unfazed.

“Yes, young Rumpel,” he said playfully to the baby, “you’re mommy and daddy’ll come for you. And what’ll happen then?” He looked over at Catherine with a devilish grin. “Then there won’t be a young Rumpel anymore.”

The Queen’s face lost any sign of emotion. She tried to speak, but all that came out was a soft croak. Anna looked at her hopefully, praying she’d do something, but her eyes had rested on the sharp knife at the dwarf’s side. There was nothing they could do without endangering Mathias.

“I’ll take my leave then, Queeny,” said the dwarf as he bowed low to the ground. “And remember. If so much as a scout comes looking…” He patted the dagger at his side. To Anna’s surprise, Catherine nodded.

The dwarf slipped through the door stealthily and disappeared. Catherine tried to wipe her tears away, but there was an endless flow. Anna started crying too, still not understanding what had happened.

The old lady stirred and stood up. She rubbed her head and looked around. “W-where’s Mathias and that little man?”

Anna and Catherine looked at each other. The queen quickly wiped her tears and said, “You must have hit your head pretty hard. Whoever those people are, they haven’t been here. Just me, Anna, and Bartholomew.”
Last edited by mikedb1492 on Mon Mar 31, 2008 1:27 am, edited 3 times in total.
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i love remakes of classic fairy tales like this!

im not much of a critiquer, but i noticed a few things.

first, i've recently read and been told (after i made the mistake myself) that when writing the dialogue parts you should use "said" or "says" and only words like "replied" "cried" "muttered" or "answered" [etc] if its relevant and needed.

other than that i thought it read rather smoothly, and i really hope you add more.
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I like this kind of thing too, where the happy ending is marred. Things never work out perfect in real life, right? There were spelling mistakes in some places, which I think you can find via spellcheck or re-reading easily enough. The only truly strange and inconsistent thing was the birth: six-year-old girls cannot deliver babies. It's just strange. If Anna's needed later in the story, or something like that- make her be in there at the time.

Also, birthing usually takes more than an hour, even up to a day, and is excruciatingly painful, especially without the pain meds modern people use (I have witnessed several births and once helped out. It's messy, long, and awful). Stretch it out, or say something along the lines of "For hours Catherine's cries rang out through the castle, and with each drawn out scream the mothers in the palace cringed, remembering their own struggles." Perhaps something less melodramatic. It's up to you!

That's it, and for the most part the story was great!
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seam - Should be seem


Anyway, aside from that, great story!! I love twisted fairy tales.

There's something about this piece that seems very intriguing. I'm very drawn to the next chapter.

Yours truly,
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this was nice and your "seamed" should be "seemed"...

I was wondering about something though.... How can the queen know the name of Rumpelstiltskin? I thought she sent men to find out his name? Or maybe thats just part of your story?
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great! please continue!! I have a passion for different versions of fairy tales. and people above have pretty much pointed out the mistakes.
And yes it's true giving birth to babies does not take place in a matter of minutes. It's an extremely long and time taking thing.

I was also wondering how the queen knew the dwarfs name was rumpelstiltskin...

other than that good job!!
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Um, near to the end, you drop off the "e" from all your Catherines.

You want to know what I think about this?

*cowers*

I was (and am still) terrified of Rumplestiltskin. It isn't even funny how frightened I am of him. I just always have been.
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Thanks for all the critics.

Pickle810, thanks for those birthing tips. I truthfully don't know too much about it (obviously) and I don't know what I was thinking making a six year old do that kind of thing alone. When I'm editing this I'll throw in an extra, older, character to do it and Anna will be the assistant. (The reason I want her young is because she'll come in later and I still want her to be at her prime and still adventerous.

Veerocious and mizz-iceberg, this is an alternate storyline to the original in that sense. In the original I know she doesn't know his name and then gets 3 days to figure it out, but I thought that would waste time in the story, so I just showed she knew his name from an introduction. If that's too vague, though, I've got to change it, and thanks for pointing that out.

Alright, as soon as I get all the changes done, I'll put the word 'edited' at the back of this story's title. I hope I get it all.
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Oh my..
I love this.
Anything that needs correcting has already been said, so I won't go through the trouble of telling you.
I LOVED it.
And now I can go read the first chapter!
Yay!
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Hey Mike. I didn't have time to read the other comments so forgive me if I repeat something.

Just a few things that I think need to be altered: In the fairy tale, the Queen didn't know Rumpelstilskin's name. She guessed it in order to keep her child.

The second is this: Why wasn't there a midwife available? You'd think, for the Queen, there would be one on hand even if the child is early.

And the last: Don't you think someone like Anna is a bit young to be so authorative and assist in a birthing?

My overall impression: I LOVED it. It was very well-written and you have excellent dialogue and details. I can't wait to see more.




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I like how you redid the fairy tale, it is always fun to have an alternate ending. As for the labor scene well I just wasn't all that satisfied with it. First of all I witnessed my brother being born when I was 7 years old and it scarred me for life. Anna delivering the baby or even assisting seems a little far-stretching. Dabbing the Queen's forehead with a rag for comfort is something she could do, its what I did for the most part. And as for the actual labor itself, something I have gone through twice, well maybe I could help you with that.

Labor, especially the first one is usually very long, however each one is different. Like pickle said it usually does take longer than an hour and is extremely messy. Hopefully what I cover isn't too redundant and helpful for your edited version.

She moaned and grabbed her bulging stomach as the baby inside moved.


Babies don't tend to move that much during labor and if they do the Mom usually doesnt notice because the contractions are too much of a distraction. Contractions will make the mother's abdomen as hard as her forehead, they get stronger with movement such as walking, and as she progresses towards delivery the contractions get stronger and closer together. Usually the mom can't talk while she is having a strong contraction.

Realizing it was time, Anna moved in front of Catherine and began watching for the head. She was breathing awkwardly and gasping each time pain erupted from below.


You said before that Anna had no clue what she was doing so for her to realize that it was time seems unrealistic. Scratch that. Furthermore there really is no pain from below as you put it, until she is pushing the baby out. Most of the pain will be in her stomach starting at the top and working its way down like a wave. Also, crowning is the correct term for when the baby's head becomes visible.

She walked over and shoed Anna off the bed. She took her place in front of Catherine and checked how far she’d dilated. “She seams pretty far along, so, child, I need you to get ready. As the baby comes out, wipe away the blood and try to comfort the Queen.”


She walked over sounds redundant. Shoed should be shooed I think. Catherine has to be dialated to 10 cm to deliver and has to be fully effaced which basically means that the cervix has to be non-existant. Hope this isnt too graphic for ya. Instead of saying pretty far along say she is 9 cm, close but not too close. Have Anna wipe the blood away from the baby's nose and mouth, blood everywhere else is okay for now.

The hours dragged on as the old lady struggled with Catherine to push and keep her breathing steady.


This is actually quite accurate. My second birth was all natural no drugs and as long as you keep your breathing regulated it will help immensely with the pain of contractions. One thing I did notice is that you never said anything about the waters breaking. The amniotic sac has to rupture in order for the baby to be born. Usually Hollywood starts all the labors this way with the water breaking but it is usually a very small percent that actually have their labor start this way. Usually what has to happen, happened both times with me, is the doctor will break the waters with an amnihook, a long plastic stick with a little hook on the end. It is uncomfortable and I'm not really sure what they did back in the castle days. Perhaps for your convienence you could just have the contractions do all the work and have her water break before she is fully dialated. By the way amniotic fluid should be clear and there is approximately 2 quarts. If there is any blood or brown stuff called meconium in it, it is a sign of fetal distress (fetal is medical terms for the baby).

The baby seamed like it would never be born, but then, finally, the head became visible. Anna quickly started dabbing it with her wet cloth to wash away the blood as the old lady helped the baby on its way.


“Just a bit more,” the old lady told Catherine. She groaned loudly and pushed as hard as she could. The baby slid all the way out and into the hands of the old lady. She quickly swatted the infant’s bottom so it could cry and clear its lungs, and then she wrapped it in a blanket.


Okay, bare with me, because this is the part of labor that I had the most problem with. Delivery of a baby is fast, but not this fast. First of all Catherine must have the urge to push before the baby's head will crown. This feels like she has to take a huge crap. (Sorry but it is true). When she does start pushing she must push only during contractions and usually you hold your breath. Pushing the baby out hurts very, very, very badly like a very intense burning sensation. (This is like free birth control right here). Once the head and shoulders are delivered the baby does just slide right out. But there will be a lot of blood and the baby will be slightly blue. Swatting the baby's bottom was practised up until the late 70's I think, but all the same it sounds cliched. But she would not wrap the baby up into a blanket right away. First of all the umbilical cord has to be cut! Not sure how this would be performed in those days so you might have to do some research. Also just an interesting fact, most babies are born with the umblical cord wrapped around their neck, but not in a life-threatening fashion.

“Well don’t just stand there,” the old lady snapped. “We have another baby to deliver.” The two of them continued the process once again, dabbing the blood and helping the baby on its way. Before too long, two newborn brothers were laying by each other on the bed.


You make the delivery so final, but as I feel obligated to point out there is much to do after the babies are born. The placenta, which has a multitude of functions during the pregnancy, has to be delivered as well. It is a bloody purple-blue thing which is really disgusting almost like a liver. Mom has to be stitched up because baby's heads really aren't that small. If you want to skip this part I understand, but know that there will be alot of blood and Mom has to be watched carefully for hemoraging. She is also going to be very tired from all that work.

I know my critique was a bit long winded and hopefully you don't mind. The only other thing I wanted to point out was that it didn't really make sense for the older lady to faint at the sight of a short stocky person. I mean she just delivered twins, something as silly as a shadowy figure shouldn't make her faint. I know that you want her to hit her head for the ending, but Rumpelstilskin shouldn't make her faint. Maybe all of the blood and exhaustion and lack of food could just catch up to her and make her faint. My mother-in-law fainted right after my second delivery, but she is diabetic and her insulin was low. So yeah, Hope that helped and I apologize for going on a full blown out labor and delivery rant.
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