...Memories...

[pre]A painful searing in my head
I'm f
a
l
l
i
g
Looking around
all bright
and DARK.

My head hurts

pathway, sometimes dark and at times
happy
and light
I skip along
and at times
drag myself

birthday party, barbie cake
Stickers on my desk
Passing notes
in trouble
friends
Parties
pranks
laughter
harsh words
break up
broken hearts
depression

teenage
together throwing away our blue hats
new car

CRASH

golden ring

sunset walks

golden wedding cake
tiny hand around my finger

death
broken hopes

shattered dreams

again

work
colleges
laughter
pranks


old
back hurts
need help

mango ice cream

crowded building
smelly
visiting hours

happy

fever
head hurts
head hurts
black
all black

open

flood of lights
sounds
"she's alive!"
golden ideas
golden
in my head

......memories....
[/pre]

I like it!! The only thing that's confusing is going back and forth between the words on the page.

wow it's like you put a story of one life into one poem, and that's a hard thing to do. good job!

Hello!

What really got to me in this poem was how you put out your lines. I couldn't concentrate on the content of your poem because I was having to jump all over the place. It only took away from your words. Aside from that, putting dark in all caps in the beginning did absolutely nothing. And you have no punctuation, plenty of grammar errors and you didn't capitalize your i's a lot. I really couldn't get through this. I think you should focus more on your subject and less on what it looks like. I mean, presence is important and everything but it does nothing if the content isn't even better, you know?

PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda

I agree with Rieda. How can we get anything from a poem that looks like (and is) a splatter of words on a page? These are just a bunch of phrases and fragments carelessly slapped onto a page--how is that poetry? What point are you trying to make with them? Do you expect us, truly, to read through each of them and try to pull something out of the mess?

The random spaces and indentations don't help the poem, either. It looks more like a sad, overdone mimicry of e.e. cummings than anything else. Being cryptic in your poetry does not justify writing something poorly or carelessly.

Next time, get to know your poem, don't just slap it down. Keep in mind that it must be accessible to the person reading it; your reader is going to find it difficult to get neck-deep in a poem that revolves around the spastic-tab-bar rather than a determined meaning.

-Colleen

I'm sorry if people found trouble reading this poem. I've tried to fix the spacing. What i meant by sort of scattering the words was that Life is not really one straight path and it has random moments and unexpected moments. But i guess I scattered the words too much.

I hope it works this time. And if some people found no meaning in this poem, I'm sorry. But I had lot in mind when i wrote this.

depends on the way you look at things.

I am really sorry to say that I agree with Cade here. It's not really a poem, more a jumble of words thrown together. The style is interesting, but destracting, and it really takes away from what you are trying to say. As a reader I personally don't want to have a bunch of words thrown at me, it feels like a slap in the face. Work on describing what you are seeing and feeling rather than saying "depressing" or some other feeling.

Describing an emotion might be the hardest thing on the planet to do, especially without sounding incredibly cliche. But you will get a lot more across if you manage to pull it off.

Try reading some poetry and getting to know what you are really trying to say. Simply spitting out random words and phrases does nothing for us reading it.

I liked it. Although you are making it figurative poetry, you know what I mean. Put the words into nice stanzas. Don't make them like what you did. Keep it up!