Eyes

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The yellow and red light blurred in the reflections of the dull and flickering parking lot lights. I stared into the shallow puddles that made the lot into a virtual swamp. I considered how the distorted images of the lights in the water made the whole scene look like a carnival, but it was far from it. My breath was visible in the chilly and yet sticky air. We would try to sneak by and enjoy the rest of our night.

Then they were there. They glared and smirked at us menacingly. About ten feet away, past a single abandoned car, they stood and stared, waiting for us to make the first move.

“Robbie…” my acquaintance and guide for the night, Ben, warned with fear in his throat. It was in mine too, I could feel it rising, rising. Robbie, the dark haired one then took a step forward, raised a gun, pointed it at us, and more directly, at me. I considered asking how good his aim was.

The fear escaped me in a squeak, “Robbie. Please, we don’t need this, why would you do this?” I took a cautious step backwards, attempting to be inconspicuous.

“You’ve seen us, and we don’t like it when people glare at us like we’re trash,” Robbie said, daring a white toothed grin.

Another couple stumbles of nervousness backwards on my part. Benjamin began to follow me. I was now coming out from behind the car, a clear shot for Robbie. Him and his friend turned to face us, Robbie taking one step forwards, still pointing the gun.

“Glaring? I wasn’t glaring. Please. Please don’t shoot me, “I pleaded. I took another step, and another. We were slowly headed towards the old rusted wire fence. There was a gap in the fence which led down a gated path into the gardens.
“You were. I saw you, and I said to Jim, I said, “They’re staring at us. They’ll pay for that. They shouldn’t stare,” Robbie took another step forwards, leaving is partner, Jim, glaring at us with a grin from behind. “Look, you’ll stay right there and do what I say. Stop, go, stop, go. Doesn’t matter. Do what I say.”

“We weren’t trying to. Oh please. God. Don’t shoot us. Please,” I was going to die. I wouldn’t go without a run.

Just as I thought that, Ben nudged me and we dashed; we ran hard and fast for that gap in the fence. We didn’t stop to see if they were following, we could hear them anyways. The shouts of anger followed us as we ran. All I could think was “I really want to wake up; please let me wake up.” The plants that looked like trimmed hedges gone wild leaned over the rusty fence and glared at us. The squish of our steps on the cold, wet grass was becoming more and more dominant as the shouts faded. Had we lost them? I didn’t know, and I still don’t, all I know is that where I am now is safe. I’ll never leave.
I’ll never open my eyes again.




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This was pretty good!

But you do have some errors...

Pm me as soon as you can get your stuff updated. Also, read this aloud. YOu can miss stuff when you don't!

D7M




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I don't get the ending.

I understood the story, everything but the end.

Anyway, on to fixing stuff!

You used the word glare way too much. It kind felt weird reading the word glare over and over again. You know that feeling that makes you think it's spelled weird even though it's spelled normally? Yeah, I got that feeling.

Yours truly,
Memento Mori
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people who piss you off. Outdo yourself. ^^




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I didn't get the ending too...

And this line:

Another couple stumbles of nervousness backwards on my part.

Confused me a lot so you might try rephrasing it...
"Do I like my coffee black? There are other colors?" - Author Unknown




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I think, and this is a personal opinion more then a technical must - that opening sentences, in a short story at least, should be simple. Don't try to do too much - I think it was over descriptive, and could perhaps be broken into two, short descriptions. Maybe its just cos I'm tired, but I had to read over it a few times to fully grasp the image.

Then they were there


Ick, whenever you can, refrain from using 'then'. Then this happened, then that, etc etc. Show, don't tell.

They glared and smirked at us [s]menacingly[/s]


It would be hard, I think, to glare and smirk at the same time. Adverbs, in most cases, must die. This is one such. Perhaps you could sum up in a short way, as 'a hateful smirk'?

I could feel it rising, rising


Repetition can, at times, be used in an evokative manner. This is not one such. Find another word here.

Another couple stumbles of nervousness backwards on my part


Awkward sentence. Destroy. Revise.

Robbie took another step forwards, leaving is partner, Jim, glaring at us with a grin from behind.


leaving his partner, glaring at us from behind.

Again with the smiling glare. Have you ever seen that? Seriously?

"We weren't trying to. Oh please. God. Don't shoot us. Please," I was going to die. I wouldn't go without a run.


Period after 'Please.' (space)
I was going to die. I wouldn't go without a run.

Something about 'run' bugs me, it feels like it should be 'fight', and yet I can see why you would avoid using that word. Try something else, though.

An anticlimatic and weak ending really let this piece, on the whole, down. You should spend so much setting up an event, without giving the reader, some kind of payoff. It was poor. There is potential in this piece, with some sentences showing you have a good grip on prose; at times, there was too much, at others not enough. Some serious revision is needed.

Good luck,
Cheers.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Thankyou everyone. One thing I'd like to clear up. This whole thing was supposed to be...*thinks for word* clearly hazy. I know. Contradictory, but I describe everything and the readers STILL don't get it. That's the point.

THANKYOU!




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Everyone else got everything I thought was wrong so I can't give you too many tips. All I can say is that this was well written. The ending was a little weird like the others said, but not too bad.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.




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Hello, Pinata.

As always, most of my critique is purely stylistic, so if anything does not ring true to you, feel free to disregard.

Your first paragraph is a fine example of setting the scene for your reader. You set the tone for the rest of the story well, and you establish the intentions of the protagonist. However, the sentences you use tend to get wordy and at times a little vague. Take, for example, your first sentence. You mention yellow and red lights, but assume that the readers knows there are yellow and red lights in a parking lot. I recommend clarifying why there are yellow and red lights, rather than the standard lights used in a parking lot.

Your second paragraph is very short. I believe it would benefit from a carefully thought out description of who "they" are, exactly. How many of them, what they are wearing, and why the main characters would get the impression that they are thugs. They seem to know "Robbie." How? Why are they afraid? I suggest giving the reader some background, here. In addition, I believe you should describe the people behind him as well, in order to establish just what the two characters are dealing with.

What follows is very rushed and very frantic. I believe that this portion would benefit from some suspense, some fear, to show that the characters are afraid. Perhaps you should recount acts of malice that "Robbie" had committed before, to show that he is a vile person that should be feared. Only once the characters begin to flee should the frantic pace begin.

Overall, I am impressed with the quality of writing shown here. However, the structure and character development should be improved.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me here on the site.

--ME

EDIT:

Thankyou everyone. One thing I'd like to clear up. This whole thing was supposed to be...*thinks for word* clearly hazy. I know. Contradictory, but I describe everything and the readers STILL don't get it. That's the point.


It is one thing to vague and leave the reader with something of substance, but quite another to be vague to the point that the reader comes away merely confused.




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Thankyou again! I will look at this until I figure out how to leave everyone with something of substance! Thankyou for all other reviews I will take everything into consideration and I will edit!



Who, being loved, is poor?
— Oscar Wilde