Young Writers Society

Verse 1:

What can I do when my heart is ripped in two?
What can I do when I know his is too?
What can I do?
What can I say?
How can I describe the pain?

Chorus:

Whithout him, how am I supposed to live?
Whithout him, how am I supposed to breathe?
Whithout him, how am I supposed to love?
Without him, how does life go on?

Verse 2:

Everything I see
Reminds me of him and me
Every touch and every kiss
Is embedded in my stupid memory.

Chorus

Verse 3:

Trying to be normal
Is practically impossible
Outside I look the same
But inside is just my broken heart.

Chorus

Verse 4:

We were meant to be
We were supposed to be
Just him and me
For eternity.
But that is gone
And will no longer be
Just him and me.

Chorus

How is my life going to go on without him?

I really like this what type of beat is it written for because i see it as hard and fast but i could be wrong.

The beat of the song was a bit bumpy, but it's a good start!

I really liked the lyrics of this song because I can relate to them.
It was enjoyable to read this, I enjoyed it.(:

This lyric has a really good emotional impact, especially in the chorus. Your hook is well placed, too. I didn't quite get a strong sense of rhythm, but I think as long as you are perfectly happy with the meter you've written, it's fine. I think the second verse could use a rewrite though:

Dr. Jamie Bondage wrote:Everything I see
Reminds me of him and me
Every touch and every kiss
Is embedded in my stupid memory.

Everything I see
Reminds me of what used to be.
And however hard I try
I just can't wipe him out of my memory.

Or something to that effect. It was mainly the second line that didn't work (for me, at least).

I really like this lyric though, it's something a lot of people will be able to relate to. It's got an air of simplicity about it, but it's still graceful, and i think that's often quite hard to achieve. Keep up the good work

First thing I noticed:
It's too repetitive for my liking, not only with the words but with how often you do the chorus. It should be spread out a little more than that.

Second thing I noticed:
It's a hopeless romantic song that I love and can somewhat relate to.

Third thing I noticed:
This song is actually kinda boring, it describes that you're in pain, but you don't describe the pain so we've got no real idea what kind of pain it is, just that there is pain.

I don't really know how to fix those things but those are my 3 bits.

All the best
~~~Alice~~~

I like it. Well, I can't say I like it, but I like how it's written, and with the suggestions of others it would be very heartrending, or at least more than it is already. I have one problem. In your chorus with spell the word without whithout the first three times. Fix that, and It's perfect!

I think the verses should be a BITTT longer.
Just a bit.
I see this as a pop song similar to Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis or Unlove You by Elisa Estrada but everyone has their own opinions and I could be TOTALLY and utterly wrong.
I really like it. It seems quite fun.

Dr. Jamie Bondage,

I thought this was wonderful! I was practically singing this song in my head. Everything worked for me - and I'm usually a hard lyricist to please!

There is nothing to say except that I loved this. Great job.

:Sythe:

I liked this a lot. I actually started to sing it in my head. [Which I don't do often.]
I disagree with tennisprincess though. With a band it wouldn't need to be any longer really.

~Rachael

I really liked this!

One suggestion of mine is to put verses 1 and 2 together as one verse, then do the same for verses 3 and 4. I felt the chorus coming along too many times, and that will help.

Once you do that, you might want to add a bridge and repeat the chorus one lst time, though this is just a personal preference.

It doesnt seem to flow well, but the lyrics arevery good =]

If anything, the chorus might be quite repetetive as its quite long and as its after each verse makes a large chorus bulk in the song, so i would recommend making the verses longer, or adding a bridge before one, just to space them out a bit.

But the actual lyrics are amazing, very honest, i can really relate to them.

You've really summed up the feeling in this, it's really good.

Just work on the chorus bulk and this will be even better ^.^

Good Work, Eva XxXxX

I loved this. I was singing it in my head the whole time I was reading it.
The pain is evident. I liked the rhyme scheme too. I saw that beat, going at a fast tempo, but I believe either way it would sound great!

O_o

ooh... purdy lyrics... I would work on the flow

the chorus is seemed to be used a bit too much throughout the song, without long enough breaks in between the verses.

i like the way how the first and last verse are set out different, it shows variation through the song, and would be good played differently with an into and outro under them, it would give the song a bit extra.

i personally adore verse 2, the imagery and just the lyrics, it seems quite innocent, especially the last line, the way your memory is refered to as stupid, it adds a naive touch, a young touch to the song =]

overall, maybe make the verses a bit longer and add a bridge and the repetetiveness (made up word i think =P) will not be as noticeable, but i like it a lot

Eva

XxXxX