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Please dont read!! this is now JUNK!!
:piratedthread:
Last edited by Absynthe on Sun Jun 29, 2008 4:30 am, edited 2 times in total.




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It's pretty good.

Just make sure your vampire won't end up cliched.

I'll keep reading.

Yours truly,
Memento Mori
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My father carried me up the stairs in his bulky arms shushing me softly, telling me it’s alright and that there is nothing to worry about.

Put a comma after 'arms'.
“Call her doctor john!”

Capitalize the 'j' in 'john'.
She tore the shoulder of my shirt and examined the damage. My shoulder had become something...

The repetition of the word 'shoulder' doesn't sound good. Rephrase the first part as so: 'She tore off the sleeve of my shirt and examined the damage.'
The door to my room creaked open, and my mother peeked in, and ushered in my father and my doctor.

Too many 'and's in there. Rephrase it so it flows better.
“Good to see you Mrs. Underwood.”

Put a comma after 'you'.

Good job with this. Your descriptions of pain were very well done and overall it was great. I also really liked the ending. This could get very interesting and I can't wait for more.
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First paragraph definitely sets the tone. I liked how you didn’t use typical adjectives (“bulky” instead of big, “wildfire” instead of just fire).

“There was a canine looking bite in my shoulder [with] blood spurting out of it like a fountain.” It sounds a bit smoother.

Mrs. Underwood is the one bitten presumably so I guess she is married. Funny, I thought of her more as a Ms. Underwood, but maybe I was mistaken.

If you added the doctor’s name you wouldn’t have had to use “he” so many times.

“The word[s] seemed to echo in my head..”

Alright, I am going to get dorky here but I really, really enjoyed your story and I can’t wait to read more.

Looking forward to your next piece,

Trick




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My father carried me up the stairs in his bulky arms shushing me softly, telling me it’s alright and that there is nothing to worry about. My whole body burned like a wildfire.

I liked how you used 'bulky' and 'wildfire' also, instead of the usuall words.


My legs were buckled into my chest tightly. My muscles contracted, winding themselves up so much you could see them writhe under my skin. My fingers were contracted so that they looked like claws, and my back arched in pain. My mother massaged my legs hurriedly, trying to loosen the cramps.

The repetiveness of 'My' bugs me... you might want to change that, maybe make some of the sentence compact.
“Call her doctor john!”

Capitalize the J in John, and put a comma in front.

I woke groggily, the taste of acid in my mouth.

I like that description, I can kinda actually start tasting it... which is good.

What the hell happened!?

I don't know if you can do that with punctuation.
but my mind shielded

put in the l, and the ed.. I did that for you, hopping it would show up in red, but it didn't.
“Good to see you Mrs. Underwood.”

How about Ms. ?
“Hello doc.” I croaked. My throat was extraordinarily dry and I attempted to clear my throat.

Use a diff. word than throat, very repetetive.

The word seemed to echo in my head, making me want to cry. I wont let that happen, I want to live, monster or not.

Overall, I loved it, just those few minor adjustments, and you'll be good. I will continue reading this, just try not to make it cliche, and your good.
I realized that I said I'd be gone for only two weeks...but I was gone for much longer.I hope to stay on this time. :)




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WOW! Very good! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PM me when you get more!

Hm, no particular thing I found about grammar. I just wanted to point out that sometimes it occured to me that I found it to...familiar. "practially bit my lip off" What about "nearly" "almost"

May not be as...nice of words...but...I thought they'd work

DON'T FORGET TO PM ME!




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Maybe it's just me, but this story would probably be more effective told from third person. The scene you establish is great, but what would make it better is if you have thoughts of everyone.
I cried out in agonizing pain. My father carried me up the stairs in his bulky arms shushing me softly, telling me it’s alright and that there is nothing to worry about. My whole body burned like a wildfire. The right side of my shirt was soaked in blood, streams of crimson running off my father’s arm. I trembled as he set me gently on my bed that my mother had prepared.


This doesn't sound like vampires in all honesty. I was thinking she'd been attacked by some animal. Maybe make it clear that it's only two holes. Because with all that blood seems more like they tried to eat the shoulder off. More animal.
“Oh dear god!” my mother breathed as she noticed my posture. My legs were buckled into my chest tightly. My muscles contracted, winding themselves up so much you could see them writhe under my skin. My fingers were contracted so that they looked like claws, and my back arched in pain. My mother massaged my legs hurriedly, trying to loosen the cramps.


The repition of 'my' weakens this. You could use I, plus after posture think it's new paragraph. I could be wrong but seems that way. Now it seems like she pregnant, seriously make up your mind. First she gushing from shoulder, now she's got cramps in legs? HUH. You really keep switching ideas far too much. Yes it's action but would like it if idea stayed the same.

“Call her doctor john!” Mother commanded over my blood curdling shrieks. My vision was blurring, and the walls spun. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I had never been in so much pain. My mother gave up on loosening my legs and concentrated on my neck.


I did need a second opinions but this whole paragraph here is badly cliche. I'm sure you could think of less cliche expression. The cliches also weaken this. The speech doesn't make sense.

"Call, Doctor John!"

That's it written correctly why ya had her in there I don't know.

She tore the shoulder of my shirt and examined the damage. My shoulder had become something you only see in horror movies. There was a canine looking bite in my shoulder, blood spurting out of it like a fountain. Mother grabbed what looked like a wet dish towel and pressed it into the wound. Exquisite pain shot down my shoulder. I tried to shriek but what came out was more like a high pitched keening.


A few things, this world doesn't seem very advanced at first, you give us no clue. How could a horror movie exist if it seems far back? So if this is now, and it doesn't seem to be, then make it more clear. You really love your gorey metaphors. Now we're back to beast not vampire. For vampire it's typically two puncture wounds. This vampire sounds more like an animal.

And everything was black.


Surely could think of something less cliche.

“Good to see you Mrs. Underwood.” The doctor said in an attractive voice. He was tall, in a dark trench coat, and had a bulky black leather bag in his hand.


Okay, this is first clue we've of her age, this seems another big leap. Like the others I thought this was a young girl. You gave no sign she wasn't. A bit of advice ease info in like rain, don't dump it all in at once.. It's bit info-dumpish

Someone told you about throat bit, fix it.
They left the room, my parents staring at him in confusion. My heart rate accelerated. Oh no, no, no! I knew what he was going to tell them. He would pull my parents out, and my dad would make fresh coffee. They would sit, talking casually while they drank. The doc would get serious; tell them that this is the hardest thing on parents. Their eyes would open wide in shock and ask him what he meant. He would say in a business like manner that they would have to shoot me down like a lame horse, to prevent another vampire from coming into this world. My mother would sob, telling him that it wasn’t true, that I was a normal 17 year old girl. My father would explode, telling him he won’t do that to his own flesh and blood.


You reall do like your cliches :/. Also "The Doc would then get serious..." This is rather info-dumpish. A good lesson for you to learn is show not tell. Not so easy in first person but can be done.

They would fight over it; the doc would convince them to not let another vampire be spawned, that it would be kind to put me out of my misery. The Doc would come in, and give me a shot of what I thought was pain killer. And I would never wake up.

And I would never wake up.

The word seemed to echo in my head, making me want to cry. I wont let that happen, I want to live, monster or not.


Since the Doc is a name for someone should be capitalised. You do it once in it but not the other time. Why the repition of "And I would never wake up."?

Overall pretty well-written peice sort out these kinks and will have an amazing peice. I stand by my recommendation though. A story like this be better written in third person. You're a good writer, who just the habit of loving cliches. You may not realize they are, but they are. Just proof read too, there is some errors. If a name it's always a capital even with something like Doc. You seem a great writer just take into account the advice given.
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“Call her doctor john!” Mother commanded over my blood curdling shrieks.


I don't think calling her "Doctor John" would help much.

I cried out in agonizing pain.


Weak. Don't use adjectives, use verbs. So instead of focusing on how "agonizing" the pain is, why not focus on how it is delivered?

"I shrieked in pain." is much more powerful. It has no adjectives like "agonizing" instead it relies on the verb "shrieked." The result? The sentence is much more powerful for much less typing.

“Good to see you Mrs. Underwood.” The doctor said in an attractive voice. He was tall, in a dark trench coat, and had a bulky black leather bag in his hand.


If you are going to describe the way the voice sounds, you don't put a period in the quotation marks. Instead, replace the period with a comma and put the period at the end of the sentence.

Also, it sounds like he is using his attractive voice, versus his normal voice. What's with the trench coat?

They left the room, my parents staring at him in confusion. My heart rate accelerated. Oh no, no, no! I knew what he was going to tell them. He would pull my parents out, and my dad would make fresh coffee. They would sit, talking casually while they drank. The doc would get serious; tell them that this is the hardest thing on parents. Their eyes would open wide in shock and ask him what he meant. He would say in a business like manner that they would have to shoot me down like a lame horse, to prevent another vampire from coming into this world. My mother would sob, telling him that it wasn’t true, that I was a normal 17 year old girl. My father would explode, telling him he won’t do that to his own flesh and blood.

They would fight over it; the doc would convince them to not let another vampire be spawned, that it would be kind to put me out of my misery. The Doc would come in, and give me a shot of what I thought was pain killer. And I would never wake up.


I think this entire portion is very weak and panicky; there are better ways to give us this information. Maybe she can hear them talking while she lies on the bed, helpless. You're missing an opportunity to add dialogue and conflict to the story.
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Not bad. I don't know why you posted the blood warning, since there wasn't all that much. I was expecting like a gruesome, disgusting, totally descriptive gut-wrenching war or something.

Anyway, overall, I thought that it was an interesting start. It draws the reader in, which is good, and I didn't get bored at all. So good job on that.

Only thing I didn't like is that after she passed you just went on. I would do something like this:

And everything was black.

*

I woke groggily...

etc, etc. You get the idea.

So I liked it. Keep writing.




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very good for a rough draft. the beginning hooked me, but like the other people said, about the wound, it seems more like an animal wound than a vampire bite. i thought she had been bitten by a werewolf. unless your vampires aren't very tidy in their feeding. >.>

i emphasize all the corrections everyone else has made, becuase they got there first and i coundn't make those suggestions myself. especially with her age. at first i thought the main character was a young girl, but when the doctor addressed her i got a little confused.

you should also work a little on filling the plot more.

but good job!! it was great and i'll keep reading!!

~enjeru
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Well I enjoyed it completely. You have a very like "Out of the box" Imagination. However; as many people find things wrong I can read anything and like it as long as it's not like Tom Sawyer, Non-Fiction, etc. I want to read more. You need to finish it. I love it.



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