Anonamuse

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Chapter One

I got off the train with a sigh, I was finally to my destination, and I didn’t have to put up with all the people staring at me anymore. All around me the city was buzzing with electricity. I didn’t know why the city was so busy, and I didn’t really care. As I wandered around the train station I could feel someone watching me from the shadows. It wasn’t just my normal paranoia this time; I could see the person staring at me and only me as I walked towards the back of the train to get my luggage. They seemed to be fascinated by something. I grabbed by things and walked back towards the lobby, searching for the person I was supposed to meet here. Seeing no one that even remotely looked familiar I decided to address the person watching me. But to my surprise they had already approached me from behind.

“You’re late.” The person had pitch black hair and golden eyes rimed with black and crimson. They had perfect white skin, like a china doll. I wanted so much to touch that face, to feel how soft it must be. She grinned at me.

“Who are you?” I asked, the curiosity in my voice was something that I couldn’t control as well as I hoped. This seemed to please her more than anything else in the world at the moment, for then she went down on one knee and kissed the hand that she grabbed lightly. Her hand was remarkably cold, like ice.

“I, my dear lady, am your guide while you here. And I am also the only one brave enough to come fetch you.”

“How nice for you.” I said taking my hand away from her before the other guests at the train station could start to stare, again. She grinned and stood up.

I began to walk away, rolling my eyes. I had enough people do that already, it really bugged me. Who did they think I was, the queen of bloody England? I growled as the sunlight temporarily blinded me. I had been in a dark train car for the past four weeks. Even the slightest amount of sunlight bothered me. To my amazement a dark shadow quickly covered my eyes. Soon after there was a soft voce in my ear.

“You really shouldn’t be out right now, Anonamuse.”

I spun around to find the person from inside holding my shoulder. I looked at their perfect skin and sighed. How could I argue with someone so beautiful? It just didn’t seem right to make them mad; I didn’t want to see such a wonderful face contorted with anger.

“Now, come with me, please. There are people that you must meet.” She walked me towards the car parked in the shadows, and opened the passenger door. I slid inside; only when they got in the driver side did I realize that I was with the wrong person.

“You only think I’m the wrong person. And if it will make you feel better, my name is Keir.” She was already driving down the road by the time I heard what she said. I was with the right person, I was just confused. I must have been, that’s the only thing that made any sense. It wasn’t normal that I got so confused about people. I could normally tell whether or not I could trust them, I could see who they were almost instantly.

But not this person. I couldn’t see anything about them that scared me more than I can say. She just kept her eyes on the road, a small smile on her face. I looked out the window of the car and saw nothing but trees and birds. It was amazing how many birds there were in this part. I heard Keir chuckle, I turned to see what she had found funny.

“They certainly out did themselves, didn’t they Anonamuse?”

I looked to the source of her words. Before me was a building so huge and beautiful that it could have only come out of a magazine drawing. It was covered with millions and millions of tiny lights. Keir pulled the car to a stop, as she got out someone else opened my door. He was as perfect as Keir. His flawless white skin, short blond hair, and topaz eyes. Standing behind him were a few others, each of them as beautiful as the last.

The one who opened my door took me by the hand and pulled me out. It seemed amazing that so much beauty could be in one place. And what surprised me even more was the fact that they were all gathered for me.

“So, Anonamuse, how are you doing tonight?” asked the man holding my hand as he guided me towards the others.

“I’m doing fairly well. Who are you people?” I asked suddenly feeling very out of place. He placed an ice cold hand on my shoulder.

“Let’s start with myself. I am Vishard Wolfe,” he said with a slight bow of the head. “The twins, Dela and Daya Marks. And Charles the Stained. I’m sure you’ll about his name at a later date.”

The twins looked at me with soft amber eyes, their short blond hair gathered at the base of their necks with ribbon. Charles grinned at me from behind his dark eyelashes. It wasn’t long after Vishards introductions that a shadow came walking up behind us. He seemed to be very quiet, but something about his aura made you stare at him. But he didn’t seem to like attention.

“So this is Anonamuse?” She seems too human to me,” he said with a musical tone. He looked at me with crimson eyes.

The others didn’t seem to be very happy about the fact that he was there. It took me by surprise when he grabbed me away from Vishard and smelled my neck. The others began to growl, something was wrong here. Very wrong. I had this sinking feeling in my stomach before I realized that I was sinking to the ground. Everything when black as the others around me began to shout at the unknown man. I was picked up (not carefully mind you) and thrown over a shoulder. I was flying through the air. Pleas and shouts filled the air around me. I couldn’t make sense of anything. I had to get to my staff. I fumbled around hitting someone in the head. They snarled at me. I whimpered when I tossed to the ground, my head hitting tree roots. Moonlight shone down on me, allowing me to find my staff a little quicker than before.

As I grabbed my staff, someone hit me in the shoulder. The man who was in the clearing with me was covered with cuts and bruises. His crimson eyes had become black. I scrambled to my feet, my staff coming to its full size. Normally my staff looks just like a quill, but when I need it, it can become more of a staff. It was given to me by my grandfather; he said I would need it. The man tackled me, pining me to the tree; his cold breath was on my neck. I could hear the others shouting and yelling something into the night.

Then one brief moment of pain after another, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t do anything against the ‘vampire’ that was draining me. Blackness crept into my eyes, and I went limp. And yet he still continued to drink, then nothing. It seemed that no sooner that I was on the ground, that I was being held, quiet sobs echoing into the night. I was alive, but barely, I would die soon, very soon if someone didn’t stop the bleeding.

“Charles! Vishard! Anybody!” yelled the angel holding me.

“Yu!” yelled another angel. “Oh, God.”

“You have to help me, please. Save her.” Pleaded the angel that was holding me. The other angel took me in his arms and held me close, his skin was cold.

“Go, Yu. Get out of here; you need to get back to the house. Now!” said another voice, it seemed powerful, like that of God, or maybe my father. I couldn’t tell at this point.

“Charles, you are the only one who can save her, please. Do something.”

“It may be too late Vishard. She lost a lot of blood. Yu was very thirsty. But I’ll try okay?”

“Thank you, Charles,” said the angel that was holding me. I was handed off to another, and then gently laid on the ground. My wrist and ankles were on fire, and I couldn’t scream. My voice echoed into the night, shaking the leaves on the trees surrounding us. I was picked up, again, and flown to a large building. I could hear concerned voices asking about me. Someone was crying in the next room over, and someone was whispering gentle words to them. They it got quiet and a loud crash echoed against the wall. The person next to me left only to drag a person back into the room. I couldn’t see who, but I could hear everything,

“Yu, you have to feed sooner, she had a full human life ahead of her. She would have had a family.”

“Not true, Charles. She was meant to be like us. I saw it, Yu was meant to do that. But it wasn’t you was supposed to change her, it was him,” said a soft musical voice. A cold hand touched my face, and sleep over came me. I have no idea how long I slept, but it must have been for days. The sun was beating down through the window making the person sitting next to me shimmer brightly. I could see everything, the cracks in the wall across the room, the spider that was crawling away from us. And when I looked at the person, I could see their past, their memories. I heard a voice in my head that wasn’t my own, and the growing hunger in my stomach seemed to be driving me. I couldn’t help but sit up and look out the window at the passing cars, full of human life. I wanted it, I had to have it and I had to have it NOW!

“Anonamuse?” asked the person sitting in the room. I looked at them. They gasped for some odd reason as I jumped to my feet. I lunged towards the window only to be grabbed by the ankles. I was dragged away from the window and back towards the bed where I was forced to lay down. I growled and fought against the person. I would have overcome them if the others hadn’t come into the room as well. They pinned me to the bed while one of the others chained me to the bed. I couldn’t fight them off. When they finally left me to struggle another person came into the room. It was Yu, the one who bit me. He looked very upset about something as he came closer. Like he knew something the others didn’t, about me.

“Anonamuse, I sorry for all of this. But I shall make it up to you; I see things about you that the others do not. I see your gift,” he whispered.

“What are you talking about? Let me go!” I yelled as he came closer to me. He sat down on the bed and gently touched my neck, the place where he had bitten me. I could feel all the emotions that he had felt, and all the pain that was hurting him now. I couldn’t stop myself from crying out, and then I blacked out, gripping his hand in mine.




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this is good I like it I noticed a few grammar mistakes but other that that it is really good I liked the story line. I hope you are going to continue it.
If it breathes or has moving parts, sooner or later it'll give you trouble." Author Scott Buchler




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Okay, here we go.

I got off the train with a sigh, I was finally to my...

Replace that comma with a period.
All around me the city was buzzing with electricity. I didn’t know why the city was so busy, and I didn’t really care.

Replace the second 'city' with the word 'it'. It flows better.
As I wandered around the train station...

If he's on a train station, then the previous sentences wouldn't say the city was buzzing with electricity, but the train station.
I grabbed by things and...

I think you mean 'my' not 'by'.
I decided to address the person watching me. But to my surprise they had already approached me from behind.

They? I thought you said it was one person.
I looked to the source of her words. Before me was a building so huge...

The source of her words would be her mouth... Say it differently.
Before me was a building so huge and beautiful that it could have only come out of a magazine drawing. It was covered with millions and millions of tiny lights.

Sorry but this was a halfhearted description to me. All you told me was that it was big, beautiful, and had many lights. What color is it? What's it made of? Does it have any arches or other architectural structures? Get my point?
I’m sure you’ll about his name at a later date.

Not sure what you mean.
The others began to growl, something was wrong here.

Use a period instead of a comma. And of course something is wrong. He's smelling her neck. Instead I'd say she felt uncomfortable and threatened.
Everything when black as the others around me began to shout at the unknown man

I think you meant 'went' not 'when'.
I whimpered when I tossed to the ground, my head hitting tree roots.

'I whimpered when I was tossed...'

This was written fairly well and your descriptions were okay. The only thing is that you didn't describe the world around the main character very often. Remember, if you can recreate a world in your story it will seam insanely real. Authors like Anthony Horowitz do this perfectly. I'd suggest reading one of his books.
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Ooohh! I liked this a lot. It's so sad that it ended so soon, I was really there. Anyway, here are a few things that either confused me or I thought didn't sound right.

But it wasn’t you was supposed to change her, it was him,”

Did you mean to put a was there?

“Yu, you have to feed sooner, she had a full human life ahead of her.

After rereading I relized maybe he was saying this for future reference but it sounded strange in present tense. Maybe that's just me.

But it wasn’t you was supposed to change her, it was him,”

What? I'm confused. Did you leave something out?

I see things about you that the others do not. I see your gift,” he whispered.

I might rephrase it as "I see things about you that others do not," he whispered. "I see your gift." Just to separate the gift part. Make it more dramatic. But it's up to you.

I had this sinking feeling in my stomach before I realized that I was sinking to the ground.

I like the way you used the cliche but with a twist.

Yu was very thirsty. But I’ll try okay?”

I just do not see him saying that. :?

I loved the ending. Nice job! Will there be a Part II? If there is, I will read it! :D
Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~E.L. Doctorow




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This is really good. I really liked it... I could only spot a few grammar mistakes and such but other than that I really enjoyed it. You have a very nice writing voice. Keep up the great work!
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Okay, this is interesting.

Okay, first paragraph. I like the way you have set the scene, and what the MC is doing straight away. That helps with imagery. I would just suggest you also tell who the MC is within the first few lines as well.
You could then go on to build up the imagery- as a reader I know it's a train station, but I don't have any real picture in my head. Describe it- was is small and dingy? Large and clean? Crowded? Full of anxious people, or people on holiday? You can effectively set the mood here, with a combination of descriptions of the surroundings and the reactions of the MC.
For instance, your MC could be annoyed because random 1 and 2 knocked her about, and a noisy group children run past. Or she could be relieved that no one recognizes her, and feel anonymous (no pun intended). This would help give a solid base for your character.

Moving on...

Try not to say 'they' when talking about one person. I had to double check there wasn't another person.

This seemed to please her more than anything else in the world at the moment, for then she went down on one knee and kissed the hand that she grabbed lightly.

This sentence is rather drawn out and awkward. I am a great believer in the economy of words, as little words as possible, effectively as possible. As a reader, I would prefer an easy to understand, simply presented idea then a round about way of presenting the same idea.

"This seemed to please her, because she then bent on one knee, grasped my hand lightly and pressed it to her lips."

I also suggest you put actions in chronological order. That's the way we think, so putting that she had grabbed her hand after putting she had kissed it gives it an 'afterthought' feel.
To my amazement a dark shadow quickly covered my eyes. Soon after there was a soft voce in my ear.


Clarify what's happening here. While intrigue and mystery can be exciting, you don't want your readers having to guess about little, unimportant details. You want them concentrating on the story as a whole, not trying to figure out what you mean at the little things.

only when they got in the driver side did I realize that I was with the wrong person.


What gave it away? An action, a smile? Personally, if they looked the same, then I don't see how she would have been able to tell. She had just met her, it's not like she would know what to expect from the person.

I was with the right person, I was just confused. I must have been, that’s the only thing that made any sense. It wasn’t normal that I got so confused about people. I could normally tell whether or not I could trust them, I could see who they were almost instantly.

Why? You haven't explained why she gets stared at either. Too much mystery and not enough explanation gets frustrating, as the reader becomes confused.

I had this sinking feeling in my stomach before I realized that I was sinking to the ground.


You use 'sinking' twice in the same sentence, I would suggest you revise that. Also, the 'this' would work better as 'a'. 'this' gives it an informal, chatty tone, and doesn't support the tension you are trying to build.

I was picked up (not carefully mind you) and thrown over a shoulder.

Okay, I don't like the 'talk directly to the reader' style of this line. It doesn't fit with the tone of your story. Also, it is pure telling. You want to show. Imagery is what separates a story from a report.
I was lifted off my feet and tossed roughly over a shoulder.
I whimpered when I tossed to the ground, my head hitting tree roots.

This sentence isn't really very effective. It states her reaction before the action, which isn't a tension building way to state things. I suggest you rearrange-
The ground rushed to meet me, and my head struck something hard. I groaned groggily, trying to work out what was happening.

Normally my staff looks just like a quill, but when I need it, it can become more of a staff. It was given to me by my grandfather; he said I would need it.



Info dump in the middle of an action scene! Not good! Explain this later, or before, but not in the middle of a confrontation. It breaks the mood.
Also, how? By magic? I can't tell what your story is about yet, you haven't given us enough information to make heads or tails of anything that's happening. Seriously, I'm confused, and I'm actually concentrating on analyzing this. Imagine how a normal reader would feel.
I was alive, but barely, I would die soon, very soon if someone didn’t stop the bleeding.


How does the MC know this? If she was this close to death, she would be semi conscious and delusional at best. You are telling the story through the MC's eyes, so tell us what she knows. At the moment you are telling us some stuff she can't know and very little of what she must know, or at least have an opinion on. Let us into her head.

“Charles! Vishard! Anybody!” yelled the angel holding me.

What? Angels? how does she know this? Where did this come from?

The sun was beating down through the window making the person sitting next to me shimmer brightly. I could see everything, the cracks in the wall across the room, the spider that was crawling away from us. And when I looked at the person, I could see their past, their memories. I heard a voice in my head that wasn’t my own, and the growing hunger in my stomach seemed to be driving me. I couldn’t help but sit up and look out the window at the passing cars, full of human life. I wanted it, I had to have it and I had to have it NOW!

Okay, so you've told us what she can now do. How does she feel about it? I would be freaked out and confused. If she isn't, then why not?

In the next paragraph, too, it lacks emotion. Describe her frustration, her lust for blood (I assume), how it makes her feel, what 'that little piece of her mind' was saying. Let us inside, because right now it is a rather bland scene where we can merely observe. You want to involve your reader. Make them feel what she's feeling, or at least understand what she is doing and why.


What are you talking about? Let me go!” I yelled as he came closer to me. He sat down on the bed and gently touched my neck, the place where he had bitten me. I could feel all the emotions that he had felt, and all the pain that was hurting him now. I couldn’t stop myself from crying out, and then I blacked out, gripping his hand in mine.



Describe the emotions she feels. Does she see images? Does her heart speed up? Does she feel feverish, scared? Angry? Show us, don't tell us.

Overall, this piece needs more description, more information, and more emotion. I couldn't really get into it because I was confused, indifferent to the character, and didn't feel involved in the story. I was watching a scene I didn't understand and I saw nothing that gave me the hook I needed to become truly interested.
I can't really comment on the plot, as I don't know what it is :/. Nor can I comment much on the character, as I don't know who she is.
The angels/vampires idea may be interesting, though. What is it exactly? Explain yourself more. You haven't got the balance between mystery and explanation quite right, you need to tell your reader just enough to let them become involved in the story, rather then trying to figure out what's going on.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me, I'll be glad to help.
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This is very interesting. Very interesting. Let's be practical first. The very first sentence, I think, is a little long. It also has a few grammatical errors (I believe) and may be a run-on sentence. (I don't want to condemn it, I wouldn't know)
Besides a few other grammatical errors, you have spelled 'rimmed' incorrectly. (rimed)
You can use spell checks for most of this stuff. So...not bad. Ok, here's something that needs fixing NOW:

"I got off the train with a sigh, I was finally to my destination, and I didn’t have to put up with all the people staring at me anymore. All around me the city was buzzing with electricity."
Ok, whoa dere. This needs some fixing. Ok. So. I got off the train with a sigh. That could be its own sentence, and the rest can stand on its own.

Here's something else:

"I didn’t know why the city was so busy, and I didn’t really care."

Whatever your intentions for this story may be, the reader doesn't exactly want to hear about THAT. In other words, either get rid of it or rephrase it. Other than that, you have a wonderful beginning! Just needs to be a little faster, a lot more descriptive, and it also lacks in resolve. Well done
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