Young Writers Society

This a weird poem but everything that is said actually happened, was thought of and done.
Hope you enjoy!
I have also edited it incase you didn't know.

As i sit in my bathroom
and stare at a blank wall
I think of the world around me,
that could easily crumble or fall.

My life is like a rag
with many tears burned on it's face.
The path it leads is a mystery,
an amazingly hard case.

My eyes now see the present
and have already seen the past.
What they wait for is the future,
I hope it comes real fast!

A mind is like a robot
It has many features to it.
It's marvelous in its own way,
If only I could touch it...

I remember I'm in my bathroom,
when my white cat licks my hand.
I snap out of my daydream,
and break away for the sandman.

I forget about my ideas
and think more about my day.
It wasn't that great, no fun at all,
I hope tomorrow won't be this way.

As I hop into my bed,
and pull the covers to my chin,
I close my eyes and realize,
soon, a new day will begin.

My problems of today
won't follow in my footsteps.
And new ideas will erupt,
like the blast that's called a hiccup.

I wish my life would last forever
and go on without a sin.
But until I die, I will always sigh,
yet my ideas will have no end.

1. You think that it was too corny?
2. Not interesting?
3. All over the place?
Give me your answers, they're needed.
shanan-cat!

That was good, real good.

My white cat licks my hand,
I wake up from my daydream,
And walk away from the sandman.

Kinda jars with the rhythm, maybe try something else?

[quote="shanan-cat"]This a weird poem but everything that is said actually happened, was thought of and done.
Hope you enjoy!


As i sit in my bathroom,
and stare at a blank wall,
I think of the world around me,
that could easily split or fall.
I'm only going to say once, that in a poem, you do NOT need a comma at the end of every line unless grammatically, the sentence needs one, and even then the line breaks a lot of the time can substitute for a comma.

Your poem reads, so far, as:
As i sit in my bathroom, and stare at a blank wall, I think of the world around me, that could easily spit or fall.

It should read:
As i sit in my bathroom and stare at a blank wall, I think of the world around me, that could easily spit or fall.

With your line breaks, you could eliminate some of those commas:
As i sit in my bathroom
and stare at a blank wall
I think of the world around me
that could easily spit or fall.

Also, you haven't capitalized 'I' that should be done right away.
And 'spit or fall'
spit what and fall where? you need to further develop that image.

It's like Not needed. Would be best if it was removed.

My life is like a rag, No comma here
with many tears burned on it's face. this is kinda cliche. maybe use a metaphor for tears instead of outright saying 'tears'.
The path it leads is a mystery,
an amazingly hard case. What makes it hard? And describe the path.

My eyes now see the present, No comma
and have already seen the past. Which is what? Where are you now as opposed to where you were before?
What they wait for is the future, Either use a period here or maybe a dash if you want to use something less boring, but not a comma.
I hope it comes real fast!

A mind is like a robot, try a semi-colon here.
It has many features to it. scrap 'to it' and then describe the features.
It's marvelous in its own way, either a period or a dash, not a comma.
If only I could touch it... what do you think it would feel like if you could touch it?

I remember I'm in my bathroom, no comma
when my white cat licks my hand.
I snap out of my daydream, no comma
and sneak away for the sandman. maybe say 'and sneak away to meet [[or rendezvous to give it more flare]] with the sandman'

you could even play with line breaks and say:
and sneak away to rendezvous
with the sandman

would help the flow, even if you use meet or another word.

I forget about my ideas, no comma
and think more about my day.
It wasn't that great, no fun at all, period or dash
I hope tomorrow won't be this way.

As I hop into my bed, no comma! ><
and pull the covers to my chin,
I close my eyes, and realize, no comma after eyes or realize. after realize put a dash
soon, a new day will begin.

My problems of today, no comma!!!
won't follow in my footsteps. instead of the period, you need a comma.
And new ideas will erupt, if you MUST punctuate here, make it a dash, but the comma does not need to be there
like the blast that's called a hiccup. this line is off in flow. try a few less syllables.

I wish my life would last forever, NO COMMA
and go on without a sin.
But until I die, i will always sigh,
yet my ideas will have no end.
Actually, none of this last stanza works for me.. especially the last two lines. you tried wayyy too hard to rhyme with die there, i think, unless that was just subconsciously and the way it came out, but either way, i think you should scrap the last stanza and re-write it.

1. You think that it was too corny?
2. Not interesting?
3. All over the place?
Give me your answers, they're needed.

over-all, it wasn't that bad. your punctuation really hindered the flow, so you need to work on that. write your poems out in paragraph form before you put in the line breaks. It's easier to punctuate that way. A poem may break rules, but you have to learn them before you can break them. Since you're using punctuation, it still follows all the rules of grammar and mechanics. Like I said, make it a paragraph, first, then add punctuation and line breaks. it's more natural that way. You can also use the line breaks as punctuation subs from time to time, but for now I think you should stick with paragraph form, then line breaks until you get the hang of that, first.
i like the ideas and where you're going with them, but they're underdeveloped. try and give more details. try incorporating as many of the five senses as you can. you can even try and play with alliteration or any other poetic device, you just need to take your ideas and expand on them.
don't be afraid to break out of your shell. =]

overall, nicely done for a start, and good luck if you choose to edit.
hope i helped.

Love,
AV [[Ashurii]]

My problems of today,
won't follow in my footsteps.
And new ideas will erupt,
like the blast that's called a hiccup.

The rhyme for that part is a bit off. Other than that, good job.

Thanks for the reviews my friends and I will use your advice right away!

AVilicious666> Thanks for the long review and lesson about that commas. Won't use them like that ever again. Promise.

Kyte> Um... thanks for the review buddy! Hope your not mad at me.

Sincerely,
Shanan-cat!

The poem wasn't really corny...I was writing stuff like this years ago.

It's not a problem if it's scattered all over the place, either. Write it how you feel it should be. You can always look over it later.

shanan-cat wrote:AVilicious666> Thanks for the long review and lesson about that commas. Won't use them like that ever again. Promise.

You're welcome. ^.^

Thanks again peeps!
And just so you know, everything that I mentioned was actually thought about in my bathroom.
That's why I wrote about weird things, 'cause of what I thought.
Shanan-cat!

I loved your poem. I like poems like these. Your poem flowed real well. The rhyming was awesome. It totally fits.

on the first line, the i should be capitalized. Also, as for your question, I'd say that it was fairly well written.

Thanks you everyone for your reviews!
Wished more people would actually answer my questions though...
Thanks anyways!
shanan-cat!