Mafia Baby [Prologue Posted]

5 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 5
Mafia Baby: Prologue

"Abele! Come down here please!"

That was the first thing she heard when she opened her eyes that morning. She dragged herself out of bed, scuffling her feet over to the bathroom. Her mirror showed that she had bags underneath her eyes and her black, wavy hair was a complete mess. She yawned. She was in no place to be seen in front of her father.

"Get down here now, please! I need to speak with you! It's urgent!!"

Abele sighed, splashing her face with cold water, and adjusted her tank top before heading down the stairs. When she reached the kitchen, she plopped onto the bar stool nearest to her. She stared at her father with irritable eyes.

“What?”

“Something’s come up,” he said, his eyes averting to our tiled floor. He looked really jittery.

“Daddy? What’s wrong?” she asked anxiously.

“Sweetie, I made a bet with some men.”

“And? What else?”

“Well…I bet you.”

"What?!?!?!" she screamed, pounding her fists into his chest.

"Wait." He pushed her fists away. "That isn't the worst part. These men...well, they just so happen to be in the mafia."

“DADDY! How could you?” she cried, tears beginning to form in her emerald, doll-like eyes. She began to dash to the stairs when she felt a hand grip her arm tightly.

“Abele, I didn’t think I could lose. It was a simple bet. You see, the boss was 86 years old, and I bet that he would stay alive for a few more years. He passed away just yesterday. I was devastated.”

“But why did you bet me, Daddy? Couldn’t you have bet money?”

“They didn’t want money.” He shook his head. “They knew what they wanted, and they wanted you and your inheritance.”

“What was so important that you had to put a bet on me? Huh? I’m your little girl! You’re supposed to love me more than anything! I hate you. Ya hear that? I hate you!” She stormed up the stairs, the tears streaming silently down her face.

When she reached her bedroom, she sat down at the piano and began to play. The music was loud and she was pounding against the keys. As she played, the music began to smooth out and be softer. It helped to hear the music flowing into her ears. Her fingers glided along the keys, hitting every note perfectly. When she finished the song, she was calmer, and got into the shower.

The hot water scalded her pale skin, and it felt so good. The water cooled off after a few minutes, and she switched it off, wrapping a baby blue towel around her body. She stepped out of the shower and dried off, slipping her underwear on and wrapping the towel around her hair. She opened her bathroom door and walked out, picking out a dark wash pair of jeans and a lacy purple tank top. She took the towel out of her hair and put on her clothes. Her feet made a slapping noise as she ran down the stairs, and faced her dad.

“Daddy, what exactly did you bet?”

What do you think about this story so far? Feedback, comments, suggestions? Anything helps!
Last edited by emilyb on Sun Mar 16, 2008 11:11 pm, edited 5 times in total.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1990
Reviews 254
Her mirror showed that she was tired, and in no place to be seen in front of her father.

Instead of that first part, explain more what she looks like. Is her hair messy? Are there bags under her eyes? Is she yawning? Enlighten us.
...and adjusting her tank top before heading down the stairs.

Instead of 'adjusting' say 'adjusted'. And one more thing, now that I know she's wearing a tank top, I know this is modern times. So, would an average kid now a days really care if they looked god in front of their fathers? (I'm referring to the previous quote above).
“Sweetie, I made a bet with some men in the mafia.”
“And? What else?”

Wouldn't she be angry or something when she heard that? The mafia are bad people after all.
Her feet made a slapping noise as she ran down the stairs, and faced her dad.
“Daddy, what exactly did you bet?”

Didn't he already tell her that?

Overall this wasn't too well written but the idea seams solid. The only real problem I had with it was how fast she went from a pissed off teenager to a calm woman playing the piano, taking a shower, etc. If I were her I'd have probably high tailed it out of there right away.
And even if its this short, always put a space between your paragraphs. Also, make it longer. It's hard to review something this short.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 5
Thanks, I will fix those first two things.
To answer your questions:

Their family is very, very rich, and she assumed that his bet was just about money, so it wasn't too much of a big deal to her. She didn't know that he bet her or anything, so that's why she wasn't freaking out.

Well, she already knows he bet her, but she doesn't know what he bet her to do. For all she knows, he could have bet on her life.

The reason she was calm when she played the piano was to show that the piano is sort of like an escape for her.

Hope that explains it.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
I've seen this idea done once before, but it was slightly different. Interesting that I found two stories about such an original idea lately. (It was on a different writing website.)

Yeah, I'd have to agree with Mike that she seems to calm down really fast. I understand that the piano is an escape, but maybe you could have her playing it much more angrily, where at first she is messing up because she is so furious that she isn't really focusing or something.

About the Mafia: is her father in the Mafia? If so, you can leave it as is. If not, maybe he doesn't tell her that they are the Mafia and just that he made a bet with some guys. Then when she gets mad, he goes and makes it worse by mentioning that they were the Mafia. I mean, the M gang is a big, bad deal and while she may be a richy-rich girl, that is still huge and illegal. However, if he is actually in the Mafia, then no big deal and you can ignore what I just said.

Anyway, this was interesting. My biggest critique was her behavior and the way she calms down so quickly.

PM me when you update this! I want to see where you go with it...

*thumbs up*

Good luck!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 5
Thanks, that makes a lot more sense about the mafia thing.
I think I might use the playing the piano in an angry way because that makes more sense too. Thanks a lot!



"She doesn't even go here!"
— Damian Leigh