One soul to go down

One soul to go down

One soul to go down to hell.
One child to the pit of flames.
Oh why did they make such a place?

It’s where the sinned live their souls.
Where they are kept from heavens way.

A place so feared, the devils lair,
That even I, fear to go back in there.

The ears of men, they all fear me!
As I read down the list of who the devil needs.

Their wife’s cry, The children weep,
As their husband’s and dads leave for the deep.

As I lead the way, The men bawl.
I fear for their wife’s, and children and all.

One soul to go down to hell.
One child to the pit of flames.
Oh why did they make such a place?

One said he killed a man,
Another said he stole some bread.
A couple cried, as they try to forgive.
But it’s too late now, for they have sinned.

The body and soul, of all these men.
They were beaten hard, as they walked through sin.

Then we arrived, at the very core,
Of the Devils old beating heart.

Then I lead them to a pitch black hole.
The men looked down and feared it so.

I Then did what I have to do,
I pushed them all in, two by two.

I walked back up and watched the sin, waited in fear for my voice to ring.

"One soul to go down to hell.
One child to the pit of flames.
Oh why did they make such a place?"

I claim first comment! Not easy these days

Right, let's start with the basics: you could do with cleaning up your grammar. "heavens way" should be "heaven's way" for example; "the devils lair" should be "the devil's lair"; "Their wife’s cry" should be "their wives cry"; "As their husband’s" should be "As their husbands"; there are a couple more. Mainly it's apostrophes that you seem to have trouble with, so just read up on their proper use and proof-read each text before you post it, hopefully it'll become a habit soon.

Now for the technical side. You seem to have tried mainly for rhyming couplets, though this doesn't hold throughout the whole poem, it varies occasionally. In addition to this, you seem to have a lot of verses that are only one couple lot, and I can't quite understand why: certainly it's a valid structure to have - I've seen it used several times to good effect - but the break between stanzas usually indicates some sort of change in thought, or something the writer wants to draw specific attention to. It seem to me you've just put them in for no particular reason: as you only really have one train of thought, you might just be better to have one stanza for the whole poem, or else one main stanza with the 'refrain' at the beginning and end separated out.
Your rhyme certainly isn't the worst I've ever seen, in fact there are places where its very nice and subtle. My only worry for you is the places where you're struggling to make the rhyme, and so you tend to force the poem to fit the rhyme scheme: you choose the rhyming word first and fit the rest of the line around it. What this means is that you're really losing out on the impact of those lines, as they just feel forced and unreal. You're much better to try using less rhyme and allowing the poem not to rhyme at all until you get a real feel for the subtlety and impact of rhyming. After all, what does rhyme gain for you in a poem if it just takes away from the overall skill? Rhyme is supposed to draw out important parts of poems, to be used as a tool in creating flow, not as a be-all and end-all of poetic technique. Until you've read more poetry that makes good use of it, I'd avoid using it as your primary way of structuring the poem.

Your subject matter, next on the agenda, is interesting, fairly topical but not, I feel, particularly well expressed. Really all I get from this poem is a sense of remorse about the speaker's job to do: while it helps to have that, it leaves the reader more frustrated than anything because of all the unanswered questions. Who is this speaker, why and how has he been given this job; what is his history, his background? Does he ever try to reason with Satan, does he ever go on strike, what is compelling him to keep doing the job even though he hates it? What else is going on around him, surely it's not just crying people and a big black hole, that would be an odd picture of Hell! These are all questions that you haven't even really brushed on, and as such we're given a very limited view of this character, and thus one that we can't really identify with or feel too much emotion for - you need to flesh him and his immediate surroundings out a bit.
To add to this, there is the question of your subtext: what are you trying to say to us with this poem? If it's just "hell is bad, don't go there" then I'm not to impressed, it's too simple a message to really get me going. But if there is something deeper here, we need more clues to get us into its secret. Does the speaker represent something, perhaps something about the world, or something about ourselves? Does this 'gateway to hell' picture intend to be a reflection of our own existence, are we the ones pushing people into Hell through our actions? I can't really grasp what you're trying to tell us through this: that could either be because it's not explained well enough, or because there's nothing underneath the immediate image of the poem. That would be sad - a poem like this, a poem that seems to be trying to achieve something of a moral standpoint, really needs a moral message to go along with it, something we can really get our brains engaged with.

Overall, I think this poem is weak but not too weak, and it has a lot of potential to it. Apart from cleaning up your structuring and grammar, you need to decide exactly what you're trying to say to your readers with this poem, and cast your characters and frame your message accordingly. Good luck, I hope we'll see more of your writing soon!

Have I reviewed something of yours before? I believe so... but anyways...
I liked th eidea but thought that it was a bit ghastly if I could say that.
I don't think that gruesome is the way to go, sorry.
I liked a lot of your stanza's though, I shall show you some that I liked and some that I didn't, okay?
Let's go!

One soul to go down to hell.
One child to the pit of flames.
Oh why did they make such a place?

I don't think that it was a good idea to repeat these few lines over and over again. I t got a bit... tiresome. It was good that you had thought of that but still it bugged me a bit.

The ears of men, they all fear me!
As I read down the list of who the devil needs.

I didn't get this one. What do you mean? How can you go from the ears of men to them fearing you? It doesn't make sense to me, please explain. Much appreciated.

Their wife’s cry, The children weep,

I don't think that you need a capital here ,just keep it in miniscules, after every second half of your line.

I fear for their wife’s, and children and all.

I love this stanza the most and I think that had a lot of meaning to it. Lots of power. Nice job!
Well I think that that is all from me.
shanan-cat!

Not too bad. I like your subject matter. It's an interesting idea, but I do think it could be played out in a more captivating way. I didn't feel like there was much flesh behind the words..I couldn't really get a grasp on the narrator's character, so I think that's something you need to work on.
Also, be careful with grammar. One missed apostrophe I can overlook but not two! Obviously that's easily fixed though. Also your rhythm wasn't working for me. Some of the rhyme is choppy and a few lines are forced. I also didn't get a firm sense of the structure - were you going for rhyming couplets? I don't think you can be really strict in some sections and then forget about it - I'd like to see consistency.
Overall, I think you've got some really good stuff in here - it just needs to be pulled out and polished.

I agree, the poem wasn't too bad. I didn't know about the rhyming, it was there, and then it wasn't. Usually, this sorta thing wouldn't bug me, but the way you put the poem format it seems to not flow as well. The words didn't seem to have any emotion. But, this is a hard subject to write about, so I understand about that. I did like how you repeated the beginning stanza, it seemed to have some good effect and put some emotion into it. Some of the details that you put in there like: Then I did what I have to do
I pushed them in, two by two was nice, but I'm pretty sure that have should be had (but I'm not the best at tenses, so I may be wrong).
Overall, I think this is a good poem, you just have to polish it off and let it shine (like Liz said.) Have fun editing,
~MV

I love the emotion in this piece...
But I think you limited yourself to rhyming. This could've been so much much more deeper if you spread your wings and tried not to rhyme.
For some stories... it works.
For this... not so much.
Keep spreading those wings, and I hope I read much more of your work!
P.S, this is my first review! I hope I did it right...