Cornelia

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Hmm...honestly, I didn't love this, but maybe that's just me. It was very unique, though. Cornelia was overly-ugly for the short amount of time that the story takes place.. That isn't necessarily a bad thing; you described her very well. Sometimes too well . The power of description is strong in you.

There were some grammatical things that you should consider applying to all of your writing. The first matter of business is the exclamation marks. When you first start to write fiction like this, you should avoid exclamation marks like the plague. They can sometimes be a red flag separating a beginner from an amateur. In dialog, exclamations are fine, but in all narration, try to avoid them. Starve yourself from exclamation marks. They are no-no’s.

The other thing that you could improve is the use of the passive voice. Don’t say “she is snorting,” say “she snorts.” My English teacher hits me over the head every time I use the passive voice; the sad truth is that passive writing is bad writing. Your writing will be significantly better if you use strong verbs, and drop the “is” and the “was” and such. Even when describing things, avoid the passive voice as much as possible.

So, if you follow those two things, you could turn this piece into really good writing. I hope to see more from you. Sorry if I sounded harsh!

Meet Cornelia Schmeltenburg.

Cornelia is a tall, chubby girl with a boy’s...

Start the second sentence with 'she'. We already know who you're talking about so her actual name is not needed.

but Cornelia denies this because her hair is puffy and red when it is grown out.

Cornelia doesn’t like wearing clothing because

Once again, we know who you're talking about. Start that second sentence with 'she'.

She did not notice before that she jacket has shoulder pads.

The second 'she' should be 'her'.

” To make herself feel better, Cornelia digs her finger into her nostril and pull out a huge slimy boogie. She takes a small lick, then wipes it on her skirt.

... That makes her feel better?

This was actually a decent story in my opinion. As soon as he invited her on that fake date I was strangely drawn in. I did find the ending unrealistic, though. Unless that Lisle girl is really weird that friendship wouldn't have formed. I mean seriously. Would you hang out with a girl who just shoved their booger covered finger into the mouth of someone else? Even if I hated Lara I'd stay clear of Cornelia. Although, that ending did make it happier, so I wouldn't change it.

It felt a little childish to me, the whole boogers thing. I think you could have done better with that, and made it a little different. I'm glad that she found a friend in the end, but it was still really...I don't know how to describe it. I found it a little odd that the ticket man didn't care that she was picking her nose. How old is Cornelia anyway?

Thanks, everyone!

I wrote this a LONG time ago, and just decided to post it for the heck of it. It's just one chapter of a longer book that was about several different people (Cornelia was one of them). I know the style is really pretty childish and simplistic (and the thing with the boogers is a bit immature, although, as cheesy as this may sound, I felt the character just wasn't complete with some sort of revolting habit), but I mostly wrote it for the emotion.

And the ending was the part I had doubts about when I posted it (I edited it out just now).

Thanks for your reviews!

~Keira

I like what you got here its pretty cool. I know this is off topic but in my Latin class all of our stories are based off of Cornelia and her roman family. Its all in my latin textbook which I have to study. Keep up the good work.

SimonCowellLuver