Chance of Snow 1

It was... interesting. I found it a little boring, but at the same time I liked it.

Your main character (Emmett, or something, right?) is interesting. Mentally retarted, yes?

I wasn't looking for any mistakes so I didn't pick up on anything major.

Parts of it were quite slow, but that's just because of your character, I guess. I can see the beginnings of a plot, so hopefully it'll be a good one.

Off to read chapter two!

Hey, Suz! I can't believe I haven't read this yet. Someone was talking about it in the chat or something and I've always wanted to take a look at it, seeing as I'm you're number [s]20[/s] 1st fan!

Huh. I like it, Suz. It was a really creative thing to write. Okay... I know that this has been mentioned uber times, but his voice gets pretty redundant. There are just little sections like this:

Secretly I was also glad I did not write Leo the letter about my dead dog because then he would have written me a mean letter too and I did not want a mean letter written to me.

The 'written to me' part is what I'm talking about. It just gets a little frustrating at points. Argh. I'm not being very helpful here...

Annnnyway, I really like the story line. I like how Emmitt, is it? steals the mail and reads it. He gives off an innocent feel to the story.

In short, good job. I wanna read the next one.

-Jared

yeah there is certain unnameable thing about this story that just make it work. Your writing style is incredible and keeps me interested enough to want more!! Great Job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(I like exclamation points)

The promised critique is finally here!

Nit-Picks

It took me two years to become a postman. To pass the test I had to carry a seventy pound bag of mail and when I first picked it up I fell over and the instructor laughed at me so I picked it back up and could carry it for a long time but later that night I hurt a lot and I was mad that I had to carry such a heavy bag just to drive a car and deliver the mail.

I cheated. When glancing through your reviews, I saw that you said Emmett was slow. I'm assuming this is Emmett, which explains the rambling?

All right, so you have an explanation. But it still doesn't *sound* that good. I think you should ditch the 'and' between 'over' and 'the instructor,' and separate the sentence there to make two. That way we still get the effect, but it's not as much. Having such an extreme ramble (at the very beginning) turns a lot of readers away.

The first time I delivered the mail I got to deliver Dennis Somerset’s mail which made me happy.

For some reason, that sentence really bothers me. The repetition of 'deliver,' the very basic structure – can you try to reword, while keeping it in character?

My coworker James puts chains on my truck’s wheels.

I really don't like this last sentence, either. Maybe reword as 'If it snows I still have to deliver the mail unless it is real bad snow but it never is real bad snow. I cannot drive well in the snow, so if it is going to snow I like to know before it happens so my coworker James puts chains on my truck’s wheels.' I split up another sentence in there so it wouldn't be too rambly, but the last one (I think) needs to be added on, like I did.

Most of the time, Mr. Somerset receives coupons and bills in the mail.

I'd ditch that comma.

One time I asked Mr. Somerset why he did not have a mailbox like everyone else and he said it was because he wanted to keep the postmen in shape and I laughed and he laughed so we laughed together.

Now, I don't know much about slow people, but if he looked up to the man this much, would he really laugh at his comment? Even I do that – wait for them to laugh first, so I don't offend them. Maybe just switch around the order of who laughs? (Jeez, am I being nit-picky or what?)

I was happy because I was laughing with someone who was famous and so I knew that Mr. Somerset liked me.

Hmmm… those two thoughts don't merge together well. Maybe 'I was happy because I was laughing with someone who was famous and if he was laughing with me it must mean he liked me.' The 'and so' wasn't the best connector.

I felt like an important person because Mr. Somerset trusted me with his mail, but not just coupons and bills.

I'd ditch the comma and put 'and' instead of 'but.' The 'but' doesn't make too much sense there.

I didn’t get to know you so well when you did go to swimming lessons, but you got on quick and you were smart.

Do you mean 'you caught on quick?'

I mean, you did get a 35 on your ACT the first time you took it.

How's he know/remember that? Maybe say something like 'I mean, you got a really good score on your ACT the first time you took it – what was it, a 30? 35?'

You’d be able to take the real little kids off my hands; they call me Mr. Weather man. Isn’t that silly?

Ooer, I'd love it if Emmett also called him 'Mr. Weather Man' and then read this!

Please write back as soon as you can, or call me. Do you still have my phone number?

I think most people would give it again, just in case.

I asked this because I thought Leopold was a nice name and I didn’t know why someone would not want to be called by a nice name.

Hm… that also bothered me. Maybe show this when he reads the letter, or when he sees the address? The 'I asked this because' doesn't sound good.

The rest of the day I thought about Leo and how he looked dead and how his mailbox had been beat up. I wanted to ask my coworker James what a fag was but I was too embarrassed because the way Leo had said it told me it was not a good thing. Okay, I'm really starting to love this character. My eyes actually watered here, and I said "Awww..." That's hard to make me do.

I like sitting outside of her house even if I don’t have letters to read because she has such a nice garden.

How come you are so careful to avoid contractions, then use one here?

Thanks for caring. =)

I think the smile needs to be ditched. It really goes against the previous line, and when you don't have it, I can hear the sarcastic tone in his voice.

PS: Don’t call me Leopold

Don't these come *after* the name?

I didn’t want to think about what Leo had written so I finished my route and delivered the letter and then I went home.

At first this sounded like he hadn't even read it… reword, perhaps?

Your last letter worried me. You know I’ve always cared about you, Leo. Why don’t you go to school anymore, either? It worries me that you’ve changed so much since your parents died.

I don't like the repetition of 'worry.'

“My name is Emmett Pryth.”

I really don't like that I don't learn this until now.

I guess since you don’t have a phone line and don’t want me to pay for one, I will continue to write you letters. I’ll have to think up some excuses if we ever plan to meet again. When I told my wife I had to stay after because a student got hurt, she seemed a bit skeptical. I don’t think she would guess about what is really going on, but we may need to find another way.

Are you sure you are all right with this? I know it’s weird. You’re almost eighteen though. It isn’t that weird, if you think about it. I hope you don’t think of me as a bad person. I don’t normally take advantage of young men when they’re in the throws of grief.

Duuude… I think I know what it is, and I hope I'm wrong. Though that would be amazing for the story, I don't want it to happen to Emmett.

Dennis

You forgot to italicize this.

Overall Comments

May I please just rave about this in my overall? J I love it, Suz. Except for my nit-picks above, everything worked beautifully.

I think I've told you before how much I love your characters? They all work so well together. Mrs. Baker, representing a vast majority of people, shows how a lot of us are biased about people different from us. Leo shows the rebellious teen dealing with very hard times. Mr. Weather Man (heehee) shows how good people aren't always the best, and Emmett shows the slower population. You captured so much of the real world in this little bit.

I feel utterly unhelpful. It's too good. Especially Emmett's dialogue – it seemed so real.

Is it bad that I wish Emmett were my brother, and Leo my boyfriend?

I love it.

~JFW1415/Jelly