Kill me (because our love hurts)

You love to hurt people, it's what you do.
It brings you so much pleasure, you hit me to relive your pressure.
You kiss me so violently, you bruise my insides;
it doesn't even bother you.

I can't leave you,
I can't forgive you.
I can't even believe you,
because this shouldn't be true.

I fell so deeply in love with you.
Every kiss on the cheek is like knifes cutting my flesh.
Just the thought of you loving me
gives me butterflys' with razor edged wings.

I miss, love, care, about you.
Our love shouldn't be like this
I shouldn't be the one punished.

I want to move on.
I want our love to be strong.
I want this pain to change,
but I also want this to stay the same.

Hey girl what up! What you got here is awesome and it is very good. I only saw some few problems so let me get them for you...

I fell so deeply in love with you.
Every kiss on the cheek is like knifes cutting my flesh.
Just the thought of you loving me
gives me butterflys' with razor edged wings.

I miss, love, care, about you.
Our love shouldn't be like this
I shouldn't be the one punished.

Its in these two paragraphs they are small problems but i am critiquing it anyway. I think you need a comma after "me" and a comma after "this".

Well That's it I told you it was small. Have a good day. PM me anytime.

SimonCowellLuver

In the first stanza, second line, did you mean "Relieve?" (as in to get rid of) Or did you mean Relive (To do again)?

Hmm...

When you said: "I miss, love, care, about you. " (First, I think it should be care about, without the comma. It doesn't make sense to say MISS ABOUT, LOVE ABOUT you, but CARE ABOUT works.
I think that you could write much more. Miss you why? Love you why? Care about you why?

I thought it was pretty good, depressingly true in some ways, but good.

Keep it up.

It had a nice edge to it bit I thought that it was a bit violent, but still I liked it.
Some of the stanzas that you came up with were really good:

I fell so deeply in love with you.
Every kiss on the cheek is like knifes cutting my flesh.
Just the thought of you loving me
gives me butterflys' with razor edged wings.

Loved this one. It was my favorite!
Nicely done in all,
shanan-cat!

I agree with Shanan-cat!
Amazingly done!

I loved this poem. It's awesome. You are really good.

Every kiss on the cheek is like knifes cutting my flesh.

Honestly, this is the best line in the whole poem. I hate to say it, but this is the only good line in the whole poem.


This poem is a good effort, but it needs more. Try for more imagery, more metaphor, more poetic devices. This isn't a poem so much as it is a message to "you"--not us, obviously, but someone else. If you're going to write a letter to someone in verse, then do so, but poetry should cause the reader to feel, think, or believe something by the time they are finished. What do you want your reader to feel as a result? Don't just tell us about your problems and what is going on, make us sympathize with the speaker, and feel with the speaker.

My biggest suggestion is to find a poetry collection and read. Reading poetry will help you understand a lot more of what makes a good poem. Not to say this is bad, but there are certain things that make what is considered to be good poetry. If you don't want to find a book of poetry, I suggest reading any of the poems on this site by Incandescence, Fandilocks, Via, or Caligula's Launderette. They are all amazing poets, and you can learn something from each other them.

Best of luck!

I can really relate to this.
I enjoyed it soooooooooo much.
Except
I disliked
"Every kiss on the cheek is like knifes cutting my flesh."

It sounded akward.

Other than that I thought it was amazing.



!!!
9/10!

October Girl wrote:You love to hurt people, it's what you do.
It brings you so much pleasure, you hit me to relive your pressure.
You kiss me so violently, you bruise my insides;
it doesn't even bother you.

I can't leave you,
I can't forgive you.
I can't even believe you,
because this shouldn't be true.

I fell so deeply in love with you.
Every kiss on the cheek is like knifes cutting my flesh.
Just the thought of you loving me
gives me butterflys' with razor edged wings.

I miss, love, care, about you.
Our love shouldn't be like this
I shouldn't be the one punished.

I want to move on.
I want our love to be strong.
I want this pain to change,
but I also want this to stay the same.

This is pretty good. I like the rythym and rhyming used in it. There's a little error here that throws off the rythym. I'll quote it for you and explain how to fix it.

I miss, love, care, about you.

I miss you.
I love you.
I care about you.

This way will keep the rythym going strong. Other than that, Max, it's pretty good. Just fix the rythym a bit and then you're good to go. I hope this helps! Keep up the good work!

-Rick.

If I had to summarize this poem in a couple words, those unfortunate words would be: Unoriginal, Repetitive, TeenAngst.

I can point out at least ten poems on this site that are are nearly identical in context: A relationship gone bad.

Like Suzanne says, you have to make the reader feel. You have to reach through the computer screen and yank them into the monstrosity of the situation and make them feel those razor blade butterflies.

For me, this poem does not do that, at all.

There are some good aspects but those good aspects are so slim that it takes a good reading through to grasp them.

October Girl wrote:You love to hurt people,
it's what you do.
It brings you so much pleasure,
you hit me to relieve your pressure.
You kiss me so violently,
you bruise my insides;

It doesn't even bother you.

I can't leave you,
I can't forgive you.
I can't even believe you,
because this shouldn't be true.

I fell so deeply in love with you.
Every kiss on the cheek is like knifes...
cutting into my flesh.
Just the thought of you loving me,

Gives me butterflies with razor-edged wings.

I miss you
I love you
I care about you
Our love shouldn't be like this;

I shouldn't be the one punished.

I want to move on.
I want our love to be strong.
I want this pain to change,
but I also want it

To never change.

See how I put some of the lines spaced out? It adds a change of speed tot he poem, which helps the rhythm and puts more emphasis on the meaning of those words. Doing something like that will create more drama and more feeling.

Also, I felt that the last line was too wordy and not strong. The last part of the poem is what people remember, so it has to be strong. I would change it to something like I put.

Overall, I would say this poem has potential but until it stands apart from the rest and makes the reader really feel, it will always be generalized and stereotyped and lost in all the views of teen angst.

It was good because I could see your effort in this poem but It was confuseing for me. Because in the poem you are saying that the love you have with this guy hurts and you want to change it but you like it as well. Can you please send me a message and explain to me a little bit why you want the pain to stay as well.