Lionheart: Prologue

Please critique, but be gentle.

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Gabriel had never been one to look before he leaped. Now was no different. He stood on the highest branch in the tallest tree overlooking the lake. The glistening water reflected the forest and the sky as he looked down upon it. Far below him he heard birds singing, and a breeze swayed the tree. He looked to the base of the tree at two ant-sized figures.
“How’s the weather down there, fellas?” he shouted down as he looked back across the lake. He heard faint voices and didn’t bother to listen closely. He knew they insulted him. They had been chasing him since that morning, and they had finally chased him up this tree. Dumbasses, he thought, not like I hurt her or anything. She’s only the Abbot’s daughter, why all the fuss. But I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t do it again. There were originally five hounding him in the name of the Father, but two were out of the hunt, Gabriel knew. He had seen to that. The third was climbing the tree, ever so slowly, trying to get to him. He’d be up soon enough, Gabriel knew, and if he didn’t have a plan by then he’d be in deep shit.
“What to do, what to do…” he said to himself. Finally an idea came. He smiled. He glanced again down at the forest floor, and knew it was now or never. Launching himself from the tree, he soared through the air until gravity got its way. Wind whipped his tunic about him and whistled in his ears. The lake rushed up to meet him as he laughed his way down. Images flashed before his eyes just before he hit the water.
Images of the Abbot’s daughter in the barn, images of the Abbot’s daughter beneath him. Images of Abbot Mortimer’s red face screeching curses only a man of God would know. And finally images of the two unconscious thugs in the forest. But I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t do it again, Gabriel thought to himself again. Then he found the lake.
The impact jarred him and knocked the breath from his body. He swam frantically upwards to the air and after what seemed like an eternity he surfaced. He gasped for air and wheezed as he swam towards the bank. He looked up then, and saw two husky men smiling wolfishly down at him. He submerged and swam as far away as he could. He surfaced and breathed heavily, trying to compose himself. He looked back up at the tree and saw a blur heading for the water. The man hit and stayed under for quite some time. Gabriel began swimming for the opposite bank and looked over his shoulder. A head emerged from the water and Gabriel laughed at the look of fury on the soaking face. The head located him and glared as the man began swimming furiously towards him. Gabriel couldn’t suppress a laugh as he reached the opposite bank. He ran away from the river towards the mountains to the east without looking back.

Hey. You were very kind when you critiqued my work so I'll try and return the favor.

This was well-written. What I liked most was Gabriel's cocky personality. And you created a good mental picture for the setting.

But there were two things: When Gabriel thinks, the letters would look better in Italics; thoughts are generally put like that. And the second: what time frame is this in? You described Gabriel as wearing a tunic and you mentioned an Abbot's daughter, so I was under the impression that this was in medieval times. What contradicted this was the language Gabriel used. Back then I'm pretty sure they didn't use "bad ass" and "deep shit".

Other than that, great beginning. Not boring and not badly written. Be looking for more.

I liked this. It was simple and exciting- but don't take a liking to simple writing. I would have loved to've read more detail and explanation, about why he was being chased, about Abbot and his daughter, stuff like that. Keeping the reader wondering is a good thing; you want them to feel the mystery. But don't keep them in the dark. When you write something, explain what's going on and who people are in a very nonchalant way. You don't have to do it in the first chapter, but just as long as you don't leave people thinking up their own ideas of backgrounds and reasons--everybody's different, so they'll think different things. Anyway, I like the way you write. Hope my suggestions doon't go amiss.

Here's the critique.

She’s only the Abbot’s daughter, why all the fuss.

That's a question, so use a question mark.

Other than that there's nothing to critique. And like KJ said, you should put those thoughts in Italic. Also, Don't forget to put spaces between the paragraphs. Even though this is short, it's still easier to read if it's well spaced.

Overall I liked this. This Gabriel guy sounds like a fun guy to follow in a story. I can't wait for more.

I was just making sure it was good before I built off of it. Thanks for taking the time (however little time it took) to read it. It is fantasy, and it is medieval. I'll work on the lingo. I wrote that in study hall. And the thoughts shall be put into italics. Thanks again.

Your description of the setting is great, but most everything else is described pretty vaguely. Like 200397 said, its good to keep the reader wonder. Most of it can be left for later, but I at least want to know what the characters I'm reading about look like.

One thing that really stuck out at me:

He swam frantically upwards to the air and after what seemed like an eternity he surfaced.
He gasped for air and wheezed as he swam towards the bank.
He looked up then, and saw two husky men smiling wolfishly down at him.
He submerged and swam as far away as he could.
He surfaced and breathed heavily, trying to compose himself.
He looked back up at the tree and saw a blur heading for the water.

Maybe try varying your sentence beginnings here.

Overall I loved this piece. I just wish I knew more about it, especially the characters.

i think you should discribe the character i bit more
and what exactly did he do to the things daughter
i don't understand