Honest opinion needed.

[pre]
Sometimes I wonder if nightmares are really truly nightmares or just the basis of reality. Can one say that the same thing that brought one person happiness in the long run brought one misery in the later years of their life. As for me? I’m a perfectly physically well 15 year old girl, well 15 ½ to be exact. Now is a turning point for many young girls, a time to find themselves and whether they choose to do that is completely up to them. A time to straighten up or a time to fall apart, for me its never been that easy. My name is Ashley but I will several times in this book refer to myself as.. “Lost”.
Its noon, I stayed home from school again today. Just to ponder in my thoughts which I happen to find extremely relaxing. Listening to my ring tone go off and the sound of my overly loud heater. Thinking about the rest of my life is something I often do many of the ways I stress myself out. The psychiatrist in the adolescence psyche ward, thinks I have severe depression and a serious type of a trauma disorder. In the following pages I will welcome you into my deepest thoughts, emotions, and memories. So get ready for this emotional rollercoaster I call my life.[/pre]

First off, welcome to YWS, Ashley!

You said you wanted an honest opinion, so here goes...

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Putting your entire life in a novel would not make an interesting story for anyone other than yourself. Or perhaps future archaeologists who find it and consider it a valuable source for how people lived in 2008. That could be an interesting story actually...

Anyway, this is not to say that writing about your own life can't be very interesting. I would simply suggest a different format, especially since you're only 15 and you have so much of your life left to live. You have some interesting thoughts in the first paragraph: perhaps you could write an essay expanding upon these thoughts. On the more creative side, you can use poems, short stories, and song lyrics to express your thoughts. Small slices of writing like these are much more palatable, especially on a website.

On a smaller note, when you decide to post your writing, please try to polish your grammar/spelling. More people will read it that way. Also, keep in mind that we ask members to post 2 reviews for every work they post.

Keep writing!

If you were looking for a critique, this is not the right forum. Look for the Fiction forums under "Writing" at the top bar on your screen. If you were looking for a critique, find a moderator to move it for you.

Please, please check out the Rules.

Spelling "opinion" correctly and taking the poll off would certainly help as well.

Moved to Other Fiction.

To be completely honest, this is a boring and typical start. Nothing catches the attention, and it's too short to even get into what there is. I really have little to say, as we were given extremely little to say anthing about.

Hello, and welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella...

Okay, critique time... thoughts, comments, corrections, etc. are all in bold.


Sometimes I wonder if nightmares are really truly nightmares or just the basis of reality. So life is one whole nightmare? Elaborate Can one say that the same thing that brought one person happiness in the long run brought one misery in the later years of their life? This line doesn't go with your first one at all... also, you're 15, you can't really talk about the later years in your life... As for me? This whole structure is very confusing.I’m a perfectly physically well 15 year old girl, well 15 ½ to be exact. Now is a turning point for many young girls, a time to find themselves and whether they choose to do that is completely up to them. A time to straighten up or a time to fall apart, for me its try "but for me, it's" never been that easy. My name is Ashley but I will several times in this book refer to myself as.. “Lost” why do you have two full stops? Also, why do you refer to yourself as "lost?".

Its It's noon, I stayed home from school again today. Just to ponder in my thoughts which I happen to find extremely relaxing. happen to find makes it sound as if she decided to do this and by coincidence she found it relaxing. But I'm confused again. You say that you're lost, but you love listening to your own thoughts? Listening to my ring tone go off and the sound of my overly loud heater.Elaborate. Who's calling you? Thinking about the rest of my life is something I often do many of the ways I stress myself outhuh? This whole sentence structure doesn't work. Fix it The psychiatrist in the adolescence psyche ward, thinks I have severe depression and a serious type of a trauma disorder. In the following pages I will welcome you into my deepest thoughts, emotions, and memories. So get ready for this emotional rollercoaster I call my life.

Okay, you asked for an honest opinion and the truth is, I wouldn't buy this. It's very clichéed. The depressed teenager look on life... You have good points in it, and good lines, but they don't just quite hang together. Structure darling: Elaborate each point you make, and make sure each sentence follows on from the end of the last one.

By all means, PM me if you want to, and don't be put off by the fact that I didn't like it! Keep at it!!!

First- Welcome! Hope you like it here! And...*sound of off key downward scale* now we get to the awkward part.
Umm... how shall I say it? Oh well, sorry if it hurts- melodrama! Noooo! It doesn't work. Ever. Even other melodramatic teenage girls don't like this kind of thing, because teenage girls tend to read to escape, not look in a mirror.

Of course, my opinion's just a tad biased because I'm an avid Fantasy reader, though I'll read anything and everything, so in the future feel free to PM me if you need a critique!

Try to lose the tone that seems to intend to sound sophisticated and wise. That only works if you're a religious icon or extremely aged (like, we're talking 80+ here). It makes you sound a tad stuck up, which I'm sure you wouldn't like!

If I was to be standing in the bookstore flipping through books and came upon this little passage, I'd just put it back, even if I wasn't into Fantasy. So here's my advise: write from someone else's shoes. Take issues or topics you care about, and make some short stories. (It's hard to start with a book, you keep getting lost or de-motivated)

I hope this helped! Sorry for not liking it. And once more- welcome!

The other critiques mostly covered what I wanted to say.

*But* I don't think you should scratch this idea. If you do want to continue it you should think about a couple points.

1. Does my life have a (this sounds harsh and I'm sorry!) point? Do I have some on going plot that can make my life a story?

2. Think about possibly writing in the third person. Maybe an older you is recounting the story, or reminiscing about yourself when you were younger.

3. Do I want all of it to be true? You might want to base this story off of your life, but no one is going to care if it's actually about your life as long as it's a good story.

Good luck if you decide to continue! Have fun.

Hiya! I will give an honest opinion, but I can be quite harsh I am afraid...

Can one say that the same thing that brought one person happiness in the long run brought one misery in the later years of their life.

Question mark! Secondly, this dones't match your first sentence. It doesn't flow very well either, although you are clearly a good writer.

As for me? I’m a perfectly physically well 15 year old girl, well 15 ½ to be exact.

Again, this is just getting random. It doesn't fit with the other two at all, it is a ll a bit dramatic.

fall apart, for me

semicolon would work better instead of a comma.

“Lost”

I like the idea, but replace the spech marks with inverted commas ' '' '.

The rest seemed more of the same, a bit overdramatic. Right, I wouldn't read the rest of the book, but don't be disheartened! You are clearly a good writer iin terms of 'writing' but you need to focus more on the story, and get an idea--on the doesn't rely on the forces of cliche, as this one does.

Keep writing though!

-Mark

ps: please do four more reviews before posting another story! Thanks.

Everyone else pointed out almost all I wanted to say, so I'll just add one more comment. NEVER, EVER, EVER say 'in these pages I will...' in a story. It's the same as essays; don't write 'in this essay I have shown...' Just...don't. Please?

Maybe if you ditch this part, and start where you would have continued? This seems too boring, but if your life (a little altered, maybe?) was interesting enough, it could be a good read. This part just makes me want to put down the book. *Puts down imaginary book*

~JFW1415

First of all, being only fifteen does not help your cause. I was still following along until you said you would refer to yourself as "Lost". No offense, but the way you put it, you sound like an overly depressed kid that's going to spread your depression to others. Now, if you were writing a book to encourage those people, I would like it better. Still probably wouldn't read it, but I would definitely give it a better review than this one.

Hello, welcome to YWS!

*Firstly, I changed the spelling of opinion in your title.
*Secondly, I don't think you should have "Honest opinion needed" in place of your title. If you wanted to say that you need an honest opinion then you should probably put that in the description line.
*Thirdly, this could really do without the poll...
*Fourthly, that font and the way that you set out your paragraphs was really destracting and I couldn't get myself to finish this.
*Fifthly, I think you should write more to this. Not...this really. I think you should start over by all means. But don't give up. Being 15 has nothing to do with writing a story about your life, this could turn into something very interesting. The whole point of a story is to both entertain the reader and take them/put them in the place of someone/somewhere they've never been before. So, I disagree with niteowl, others could very well be interested in your life if it's interesting. I choose to read about other's lives all the time, we all do really.

Start over though. Get everything straight in you mind and make an outline of all of your events. Develop your voice and your characters until it becomes more than just "your life". Readers look for something to relate to. You know?

PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda