I am Changed.

OK just so you know the title is a work in progress. This poem is about a wonderful teacher I had and how great she was to us. Then she left and the woman that took her place is ruining my life. Not just as a joke or anything, she seriously picks on me and hates me and it makes me feel just awful. It is seriously forcing me into depression and I can't stand what is happening.

I wonder a lot,
If what happened didn’t.
I wonder if things would be the same as they were before.
If happiness would be a feeling I knew
And work was something that mattered.
But with one bad turn life fell,
More than I knew it could.
Things were supposed to get better,
But they never did.
It just got worse.
And now I’ve become miserable.
I don’t even know who I’ve become.
Mean and hateful is never who I was.
But I can’t stop it now, I just can’t.
And sometimes it frightens me what I have done,
But I just have to keep hoping that something better will come,
And things will be ok again.
But all I can do now is wait,
And suffer something I shouldn’t have to.
This isn’t how I pictured myself,
And I want me back.

This is a really neat idea that I think you could take a whole lot farther. You describe your feelings in great detail, and that's good, but what this poem could really use is some creative imagery. If you add a metaphor, simile, or personification, this poem will be ten times better. Other than that, and you use enjambment well. Keep writing!

Nice work. It was a really interesting idea for a poem. I liked reading and it flowed really well. Great Job!

I think you described your feelings very well, but I was left unsure of why you were feeling that way. If I hadn't read the paragraph at the beginning, I would be completely clueless. Your writing should be able to stand alone without a little intro.

Try including some specific imagery, perhaps a physical description of the old and new teachers, what exactly the new teacher does, etc.

It's not a bad start, but you could definitely take this further. Keep writing!

I really like this and like the rythm used, also.
I really like that it can also be seen as a possible break-up..how someone might feel if they have broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend.


It was really good. i enjoyed it =) x

Soleil wrote:OK just so you know the title is a work in progress. This poem is about a wonderful teacher I had and how great she was to us. Then she left and the woman that took her place is ruining my life. Not just as a joke or anything, she seriously picks on me and hates me and it makes me feel just awful. It is seriously forcing me into depression and I can't stand what is happening.

I wonder a lot,
If what happened didn’t.
I wonder if things would be the same as they were before.
If happiness would be a feeling I knew
And work was something that mattered.
But with one bad turn life fell,
More than I knew it could.
Things were supposed to get better,
But they never did.
It just got worse.
And now I’ve become miserable.
I don’t even know who I’ve become.
Mean and hateful is never who I was.
But I can’t stop it now, I just can’t.
And sometimes it frightens me what I have done,
But I just have to keep hoping that something better will come,
And things will be ok again.
But all I can do now is wait,
And suffer something I shouldn’t have to.
This isn’t how I pictured myself,
And I want me back.

Welcome to YWS. I'm Rick. I hope you enjoy the site as much as we all do. After you get 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chatroom and talk about any work you're doing, ask for crits for anything, ask anyone if they have something they want/need critted, and/or just hang out in and talk about your day. Before you post your own work, you need atleast two crits. I see that you've done this. Good job! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns about anything.

Bye.

-Rick.

Now the crit: I really liked this. I liked how you showed emotion into this. It's really sad that your new teacher is ruining your life, and I hope everything gets better. Try not to wait for something to happen. Report her to someone and tell them what's going on and how it's effecting you. Good job on the poem, and I hope all goes well with your new teacher. Keep it up and good luck!

-Rick.

Wow, this is a really neat idea. I liked how the poem flowed and the language you used. I did notice however that this poem could be about anything. If I hadn't have read the introductory paragraph, I wouldn't really have understood.
Anyway this was still a great poem and I think its a really great start.
=]
-Kat
P.S I hope everything gets better!

Hey

I get the emotion. Really well. I actually feel sad a bit, maybe I can relate.

But they never did.
[s]It[/s] They just got worse

Maybe keeping they (as in things) would continue the thought better.

And now I’ve become miserable.
I don’t even know who I’ve become.

There is something little about this that erks me.
The two becomes maybe? Try using I am, it still rhymes with become but probably works better with the whole who I am perspective your striving for.

There are alot of 'I's and 'me's. Maybe try and cut down on them.

But overall I truly enjoyed this poem.

Good work

Peace V

Also, why don't you go and do some reviews?

We like a 2:1 ratio for our posts and reviews.
It keeps everything balanced.

Catch you round