Young Writers Society

it's not big, it's not clever, but it is me.

I don't know if you've ever conversed with a brick wall or fought with a pillow,
but believe me, it's enlightening.

I've never bought sunglasses,
because I've never stood in the light.

I've never got lost in the wondrous and comforting fog of sky-high clouds,
because I've never flown.

don't look for me
in the illumination of city lights and cigarette lighters
don't search for me
amongst smirnoff bottles and the echos of sincere laughter

don't push me
i'm already engraved on the seabed
don't pull me
my elbows are bleeding from the strain

all the pointless witticisms
and the needless sarcasm
have only propped up this eight month charade

if i step outside my doorway, i stumble
i fall, i crash, i burn, i break. i collapse
in muddy puddles where the sky has cried
and the alcohol has spilt all the way down
past the toes, and pouring all over my confidence
the pavement is screaming from the dying dreams

so i hide behind familiar duvets and dry humour
and terrible music and the shade of my red curtains
and stare blindly at the deafening silence of a vdu
i can't even remember what girls smell like
happiness is a distant memory kept alive through
reminiscing-reverie-ripping my heart out

the sun and the cigarrettes and the tears
are stinging my eyes
but i've run out of emotion

This was pretty depressing.

if i step outside my doorway, i stumble
i fall, i crash, i burn, i break

I think you should revise these lines because crash and burn, and stumble and fall are used together to much. I just sounds a little old.

So, anyway, this has accomplished the deppressing-ness that you wanted, so I guess that you've succeded at something. Congratulations.

...

What the hell am I talking about?

Oh yes, I did achieve the depressing nature that I wanted.

I like this it has inspired me some how but it reflects on when I was depressed.

I like it, but I think it's too long...so that, by the end, you get used to the style and it doesn't feel new or exciting anymore, but just predictable...I think you should cut two or three stanzas....and that wouldn't happen....and I do like it.

I actually liked it to till the longer stanzas...they made me yawn. They were written nicely but I personally, didn't have an interest. Overall, by the talks of it, it appears that you thought this poem wasn't very clever. However, I thought it was. The shorter stanzas and not so many metamorphises going on here made it great.

Points for depressing, if that was your goal. I like the line "because I've never stood in the light". I think to be grammatical, you should say "I've never gotten" But even at that I don't think "got" is a very strong verb. I had a creative writing teacher forbid us to use it. You are lost. So maybe, "I've never been lost."
Anyway. I think there is a bit of in-continuity between the stanzas. I don't mind that they are all different lengths. It is just that in some stanzas, like the first and fifth and sixth, the audience is being addressed, or at least the mysterious unidentified "you". But the rest of the time it just seems, I don't know...more reflective, like there really is no one being addressed. Besides, who would this poor nihilistic bastard be talking to like this? Him/herself? The "you" is lost halfway through. If you are going to have a "you" carry it through, so we the audience feels included, reminded that we are being addressed. I don't know..just an idea.
I liked this poem. It was interesting. Some innovated images. "Engraved on the seabed" Nice. "Pavement is screaming from the dying dreams." Dark. Good.