Wounded

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I looked down and, while the situation was far from being funny, I wanted to laugh. That, however, was not an option. It hurt too much to breathe; laughing was out of the question. Breathing was the only aspect of my situation that was painful which confused me. I mean, what did that mean? Was this serious or non lethal? Without a doctor nearby I had to make a wild guess about my predicament, and it wasn't good. If this wasn't frightening enough, it would become far more serious in a few minutes.

Shouldn't have tried to break them up, I thought. It was just a schoolyard fight; they've been happening before me and will continue to happen long after me. But I had been obligated to step in. I'm a teacher for God's sakes. While that doesn't mean I have to break up every little scuffle I see, it doesn't mean I can sit by and watch one happen right in front of my classroom either. When they started to fight, I hurried over to them, not thinking about what I was doing.
"
I hate you!" the shorter boy yelled.

"Stay away from her!" the bigger boy, who I presumed to be the attacker, snarled.

I remember thinking, All this over a girl? Yeah, that makes sense.

Then the small one surprised me. He was the attacker and proved it by pulling a knife, hidden by his shirt, from his jeans. I stepped in between the two boys, trying to defuse the tension, but the boy's hand was already in mid-motion. I felt the blade sink in, and then....

The "then" turned into now, and I was staring at a handle protruding from my abdomen. Blood was oozing down from my body and into a puddle, and at the same time I noticed a putrid smell. Then I felt the wetness in my pants. I hear people screaming and crying around me and I tried to look at them, but the light was getting blurry.

"Mr. Aklor, someone's coming. Hold on," a young girl whispered into my ear. I ignored her. I didn't need anyone to tell me how serious my wound was, I already knew. The darkness playing on the edge of my vision closed in.
Last edited by Nyconz421 on Sat Mar 15, 2008 5:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Hello, I see you're new to YWS! Welcome.

I suggest you never use the "pre" thing, because it makes the text be a weird font that's hard on the eyes. For this it isn't that bad, because it's short, but for something longer it would be. Instead, just make sure you space out your paragraphs (like in the version below) and you'll be fine.

One major problem I had with this piece is that it's told in the first person PAST tense. Which doesn't work, and here's why: if I understand the plot correctly, the teacher dies in the end. How, therefore, can he be telling the story? It doesn't work out.

Below is a version on which I have corrected the spacing, as well ad added/deleted a few commas here and there and stuff like that (such as word order and the like).

Nyconz421 wrote:I looked down and, while the situation was far from being funny, wanted to laugh. That, however, was not an option; it hurt so much to breathe that laughing was out of the question. Breathing was the only painful aspect of my situation which confused me. What did that mean? Was this serious or non-lethal? Without a doctor nearby, I had to make a wild guess about my predicament, and it wasn't good. If this wasn't frightening enough, it would become far more serious in a few minutes.

Shouldn't have tried to break them up, I thought. It was just a schoolyard fight; they've been happening before me and will continue to happen long after me.

But I had been obligated to step in. I'm a teacher for God's sake! While that doesn't mean I have to break up every little scuffle I see, it doesn't mean I can sit by and watch one happen right in front of my classroom either. When they started to fight, I hurried over to them, not thinking about what I was doing.

"I hate you!" the shorter boy yelled.

"Stay away from her!" the bigger boy, who I presumed to be the attacker, snarled.

I remember thinking, All this over a girl? Yeah, that makes sense.

Then the small one surprised me. He was the attacker and proved it by pulling a knife, hidden by his shirt, from his jeans. I stepped in between the two boys, trying to defuse the tension, but the boy's hand was already in mid-motion. I felt the blade sink in, and then....

The "then" turned into now, and I was staring at a handle protruding from my abdomen. Blood was oozing down from my body and into a puddle, and at the same time I noticed a putrid smell. Then I felt the wetness in my pants. I hear people screaming and crying around me and I tried to look at them, but the light was getting blurry.

"Mr. Aklor, someone's coming. Hold on," a young girl whispered into my ear. I ignored her. I didn't need anyone to tell me how serious my wound was, I already knew. The darkness playing on the edge of my vision closed in.


Oh, and one more thing: you may want to rate this (I suggest PG-13 because of the violence)

I hope this helps!
~Azila~




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This was sensational. It's not the sort of thing you read very often on this website; a teacher being stabbed.

I particularly like how you begin with a simple concept; this guy wants to laugh, but it hurts. At first I assumed he had been running or working out, and he could hardly breathe from overworking himself. Then I thought he had been tackled by one of the fighting boys. When you say he had been stabbed, it was expected and yet still random at the same time. It is fantastic. Although it is the sort of thing more likely to happen at Degrassi than a real school, it is still a great short story.

And Thankyou for getting rid of that foul pre text! It gives me a headache!




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I'm not going to go into grammar and everything, because if you stay away from this for a day or so and then check it out with fresh eyes you'll catch it all. Instead, I'll just give you an overall review.

I also agree with the whole first person past tense thing, since he dies at the end. My suggestion? Turn it into present tense. Start with him being bored, grading papers or something. He can notice a fight outside his doorway, and go to stop it. He'll get stabbed, go into shock, then die.

You really need to show us more of this, and I think putting it like I showed above will help. Show us the crowd forming around the fighting boys. Let us hear the random voices talking around him, feel the blood on his abdomen. Also, do you know anything about shock? If you have him go into that when he gets stabbed (which is very reasonable,) it will have more power to the piece. Show us his thoughts, show us what's around him, bring us into the scene.

Also, why does he want to LAUGH? At the incredibility of the situation?

Good luck, and PM me with any questions!

~JFW1415




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Hello and welcome to YWS! :)

OKay, in the beginning, the grammar mistakes really got to me. It wasn't that it was bad the way that you said things...it just confused me because I'd have to reread the sentences over and over until I finally got it. Though I agree with JFW1415 that you'll be able to fix those in no time.

The perspective was great. I've never actually read anything from the POV of a teacher that had been stabbed. I do think though, that the situation seemed a bit too calm. For instance, his voice and the way that the story was being told made me think that he had a little wound that could easily be fixed when someone arrived. Like he could wait a while for help. But then he blacks out in the end, a part I loved by the way, and you think...so he could have died/he's dead?? A way to fix this is to really put yourself in his place. What are the things you would have been thinking right at that moment? What would you have felt? While you're in that much pain...how would you have really remembered the story of the kids and would it even come out the way it actually happened? Just a few things to think about. I hope you continue this, I want to find out what happens next! :)

PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda
I love, love.
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!*




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Hey!

This is a bit of a quick review, as I haven't got a whole lot of time right now, but I wanted to stop by.

I *really* liked it. I disagree with the idea of writing it in the present tense. This sort of reminds me of one of those backwards stories where you tell it from the end and lead up to the beginning. It was really neat. The idea behind the story was pretty creative as well. I don't think I've read anything quite like it before.

May I ask where the idea for this came from?

-Maggie
"Why kill time when you can kill yourself?"
-Voltaire




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I got it from a challenge really. It was "can you writer about a wound?"



History repeats itself. First as tragedy, second as farce.
— Karl Marx