Escaping

In the doorway,
time stood still.
Embraced and lost,
it mourns the obvious.
The teeth and the hate,
pour out everything felt.
Regret, tension,
light rays and taps.
An explosion of sighs,
chaos erupts.

This is a very succinct poem, which is hard to do, but even harder to do well. Some of the middle lines are confusing, to be honest, but I might just be tired.

In the doorway,
time stood still.
Embraced and lost,
it mourns the obvious.
The teeth and the hate,
pour out everything felt.
Regret, tension,
light rays and taps.
An explosion of sighs,
chaos erupts.

I like all of the word choices except one: "obvious." The sound is very obnoxious, not hopeless like "lost" and "mourns." It kinda sticks out like a sore thumb.

The more I read it, the more it doesn't make sense. I see that you're trying to take snapshot images and show them to the reader as a sequence, but in the end, the sequence isn't making complete sense. Maybe that's the point, so don't take my word for it

this one is pretty good. i like the very ending line. "when chaos erupts."

This is... well done... in structure, rhythm, punctuation, grammar, and all that it's good. Very good, in fact.
I just couldn't really bring myself to care about it, though. It didn't have any meaning for me. It seemed like a bunch of vague phrases that were put together on purpose to have some deep unknown meaning that even you don't know. It didn't strike me as having a purpose. It was emotionless and, like I said, very vague.
Maybe if you made it longer if would help, I don't know. But did you know what you were writing about, what you were trying to say, when you wrote this? If you didn't then that's obviously the problem. If you did, you need to find a way to express it... more emotionally. That's not exactly the right phrase, but this does need more emotion.
Everything about it seemed just right, right up to the pictures, the description and the word choice. But something about it was completely unemotional and detatched. I don't really know what to suggest, but I have to be honest, that's just how it struck me. Hope this helps somewhat, though.


*adna*

I'm not going to say anything on this poem, because I want people to interpret it the way they feel it should be. What do YOU think it is saying? And if you don't know, that's okay. I don't expect anyone to know exactly what I mean.

KJ wrote:I'm not going to say anything on this poem, because I want people to interpret it the way they feel it should be. What do YOU think it is saying? And if you don't know, that's okay. I don't expect anyone to know exactly what I mean.

Ah! But your poem should express what you mean!

I find that the "my poem is open for interpretation and it isn't supposed to mean anything" is often an excuse for poor writing. While many aspects of a poem can be interpreted differently, the meaning should be clear. Your poem looks like abstract babble, and you have just admitted yourself that there is no intended substance to it. I don't even begin to see what this poem is talking about; at least try to write something a reader can visualize to begin with.

To counter that, I give you this poem:
Strawberry butt bathrobe:
The universe is a monkey
sitting on the potty. I like
the best kind of
superdoodle.

What? How dare you say my poem means nothing! It's open for interpretation.

So next time you're inclined to use that excuse, please consider the strawberry butt bathrobe poem.

KJ wrote:In the doorway,
time stood still.
Embraced and lost,
it mourns the obvious.

You had you chance, but now it is lost.

The teeth and the hate,
pour out everything felt.
Regret, tension,

you speaking your thoughts.

light rays and taps.
An explosion of sighs,
chaos erupts

Very well done. I like how you say everything withought really explaining what happend.