Young Writers Society

As she gazed out to the glittering sea,
there was no stirring.
She imagined an illusion,
an unexpected kiss.
Turning back and waving,
she faced the wind.
It blew through her fine hair,
brushed her lashes gently.
She spread her arms,
embraced the sun.
The birds above heard a laugh,
as she fell.

Hm, not so sure what to make of this if I'm honest..

I liked it, and I didn't. The idea was probably okay, but I felt that it wasn't really that original. You created some good imagery and feelings of dissoloution and insanity though the play, but you didn't show them well enough, instead you told the reader.

I liked line three, but I'm not sure it really fits into the poem at all. I liked it's following line too, as it added complexity to the poem, but then the rest didn;t really fit with them. And your ending it pretty good too, the fact that you brought the birds into it, and a laugh to signify the insanity, or perhaps desperation of the woman.

You have a good idea, I just think that you could perhaps make it more of a picture, instead of a block of text, if you understand what I mean, Your idea isn't one of the most unque, but if you write it well enough, you'll be able to give it your own twist and therefore make it into something completely different.

Ginge

:]

huuummmmm... I liked this poem. But is she falling,or imaginary falling?
just an insignificant detail. keep up the good work! It was better than some of mine!

this was i was able to imagine the images you were creating. but i have the same question as inkling...was she pretending to fall or really was?? not a big deal i guess because the poem matters to each person differently.

thanx for the message, 18 seems eight years older than i feel:)

love the way you allow for us to assume through the indirect implications that she is jumping to her death, or away from what is killing her. Might i reply to this with a continuation or the mans version.

a love lost, a love stolen,
and the cost; a heart broken.
a sliver of metal, his only way,
to return to the love he lost that day,
its frigid feel, and bitter bite,
he took a kneel, under the night,
closed his eyes, and held his breath,
pulled the dagger from its sheath
looked down into the sea,
looking through its surface,
soon he'd be free,
and back to with his purpose.

OOOH! I like that one much better than the first one
This had more of a FEEL to it.
Very well done!
no doubt about it! you are a great poet.
* Puts gold star*

Happy writing!

~inkling