Diary of a Villain: Prologue Part 2

*bows* Thanks for reading. It's been fun.

^_^ Keek out!

I think this is more complete, but it still sounds like it is leading into the trial rather then a prologue which gives prior events for the reader to get up to speed (if necessary) with the story. Esten doesn't seem to actually be experienced, she seems brand new to the job, something which doesn't exactly make too much sense consider her knowledge as a whole. She flip-flops between old fashioned and childish too often, if she's done this for a long time, nothing should surprise her and she would not take the job too seriously. Jaded by the continual and repetitive work. She just doesn't seem to have the qualities you want her to have for a judge or anyone with authority.

Hmm. Those are good points about Esten, thanks for pointing that out. =P I won't lie, I didn't put as much thought into this last half of the prologue as I did the first.

And as for the prologue leading into a trial, you're absolutely right. I looked up prologue and it said 'introductory chapter', which is the only reason I can allow myself such a long prologue. I'll think about that, though I can't promise I'll change it. Maybe I just won't call it the prologue. =P

Thanks for commenting and thanks for reading!

^_^ Keek!

I read it through. And, hey, it's good. Just one little thing: I think you could come up with synonyms for "soul." You know, spirit, essence, etc.

I disagree a bit with Kyte's suggestion about synonyms for 'soul'. It's what they are and to give them too many names might be confusing. However, it is your story, so do as you will. I support you!

About the formatting: you seem to have some inconsistencies there. Every new dialogue line from a different person needs to be on it's own line, whereas here you have them bunched together and then the bunches randomly separated. It made it a little difficult to read.

Hey, no problem with the issues you are running into. It is all part of being a writer. Just take your time and work it out the way you want to work it out. You have a great idea here and you can make it work. I promise.

I hope you feel better soon. Good luck with your writing!

~GryphonFledgling

I don't think you should get rid of the Heaven and Hell concept. That was one of the things that I liked most about it.

Good writing. But it threw me off when you mentioned that the female soul's name was Yazra--I think it would be better if you either didn't mention it at all yet or in the very beginning.

Thanks guys! ^_^ I appreciate your reviews.

Actually, after Andy's near glowing review which said I had a very original idea (Andy gives me some of my most critical critiques =P), I am liking the heaven and hell idea a little more. Deep down I really liked the idea of blowing away the conventional views to a point that people would realize that the Heaven and Hell I've got for them are nothing like the ones they know. *all shiny eyes* XD Sides, my new idea is very very complex. I like this one better, if just need help.

I have read your first, I just thought I would put the crit here:

General Impressions

Loved it.

There's no other way of putting it, just that I loved it. You are a great writer, in fact, brilliant writer and who knows, maybe to concussion put you back into form! I have a copy of it by my desk and I had agreat read last night in bed. It is very different to the first, clearly, but the light you shone on it only improved it. The characters are great and the qualities of your characters are very exciting!

I can't say much more because I enjoyed it so much.

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

lol. XD Thanks Aedomir! I definitely feel with the responses I'm getting that I could publish this one day. ^_^ If I can stop myself from restarting it every other week. =P

You WILL get published. On one condition, you finish it.

So stop reading this and get going!

Back for the second part!

He’s brighter than that fire under [s]Bezelbub’s [/s] Beelzebub desk.

The two [s]brother’s [/s] brothers were opposites, [no comma] from the sixteenth universe.

Sixteenth universe? Love it. If it's sarcasm, I definitely fell for it, but I like the idea.

She hated when Ferendelsh came to her office, [semi instead] the souls that saw his fluorescent wings always got confused and agitated.

They came as a pair-”

Dash should be bigger.

If we don’t get that soul back, both of our arses are going to be on the line!”

Unsure about arse.

But I did not send that soul to hell just to get even.

There are different rules for honoured souls [s]then[/s] than there are for normal ones.

Yay for English-English! Lol! I love seeing those spellings!

But still, the rules said nothing on the matter, and if punishment could take the shine from an honoured soul, then separating it from the love of [s]it’s[/s] its life—and afterlife—would probably not have been the best choice.

“You’d better find a way, because if you don’t, we’ll both be recycled A.S.A.P.

The administration feels that due to the size of the file and the limited time constraints, there was an error.”

You don’t have the authority to stop me, [semi or dash instead] he’s not in hell yet.”

“A soul [s]much[/s] must be judged on its actions.

I can't promise you’ll be together for your full sentence, but it’s the best I can offer you.”

Feedback question: After thinking very hard, I am thinking of getting rid of Heaven and Hell and replacing them with a less conventional concept involving different types of energies, 'soul' currents, and some other stuff. It wouldn't happen right away because I'd like to get on with DoaV, but would people think that would worK?

Sure. It would make it more creative/fantasy -ish in my opinion. I trust you will support that theory in the story with explanations, descriptions, et cetera. ^_^

Keep writing! PM me the next part, pleases!

Jabber, the One and Only!

,” Esten said calmly

I would replace this Esen with she. You do this quite a bit.

don’t ge

get

send tha

that

honoured

My word is saying that this is spelt wrong, but I think that might be the American spelling, which my laptop is set to through default. Of course, it may be spelt wrong, in which case it should be honored.

it’s

its

cant

can't

Then hummed agreement.

I think this word would be better off joined to the previous sentence, because it doesn't sound good like it is.

Feedback question: After thinking very hard, I am thinking of getting rid of Heaven and Hell and replacing them with a less conventional concept involving different types of energies, 'soul' currents, and some other stuff. It wouldn't happen right away because I'd like to get on with DoaV, but would people think that would worK?

Hmm... I like it as it is, with Heaven and Hell.



So, I finally got around to critting this. I'm assuming you're not continuing, but I hope you do, later. I like it, although I still prefer the original. Overall, though, it's good.