Morgan Le Fay ch#1

I hope all of you have heard the story of Morgan Le Fay well now you can read the true story of Morgan Le Fay

The Prophecy
(Only Ice Shall Save Your World)


Chapter 1
A single baby lay crying in her crib, a small boy walked in the old bedroom. This boy was not an ordinary boy, he was a magician. His name was Merlin, yes that's right he was Merlin. But this legend is not about Merlin it's about his sister Morgan Le Fay, Now where was I. Ah, yes. As Merlin picked Morgan up she stopped crying "Morgan, my baby sister it is time. You have nowhere else to go, I shall take you to my master there he shall train you and me to become great magicians" Merlin wrapped his sister in a small, blue, silk blanket and set of. "Merlin, have you gotten your sister" came the voice of a girl his age, it was Naomi Merlin's fellow magician. She had been running from something, he could tell. "Yes, Naomi are the sorcerers here" "Not yet but they could be here any moment, we must hurry back" they sorcerers wanted Morgan to, after all she was the sibling of Merlin, which meant she would have the magical jean as well. Merlin and Naomi scattered blue powder around them and chanted together "Take Us Home". With that they went up in a blur of blue smoke.


They came to a large golden gate that seperated them from the humans world "State your business" came the heavy vioce of a griff, a griff was one of the few magical creature trusted by magicains. "It is Merlin and Naomi comming with Morgan Le Fay" the large golden doors opened revealing the magical world of Surden. Merlin and Naomi ran as fast as they could to the castle of Surden, as they came through the stone hallways their master was in the trophy room "Master Trojem, I have found my sister it was to late for my parents" "You have found your sister, excelent now let me see your bay sister" Master Trojem took the small bundle in his arms, Morgan was asleep but she awoke as Master Trojem examened her, Morgan had big purple eyes, black hair like her brothers, and a mark on her neck. All magicians were born with a mark and Morgan's mark was the mark of ice.
"We shall honor this baby, because she will save us all"

This piece, I have to say, needs a lot of work but the idea is brilliant. Its lacking description. If you work on it and really describe the actions, the world around them, and the characters, this could be great.

A single baby lay crying in her crib. A small boy walked in the old bedroom.

These are definitely two very different sentences. I would also suggest giving more detail to each ones actions.

This boy was not an ordinary boy, he was a magician. His name was Merlin, yes that's right he was Merlin. But this legend is not about Merlin it's about his sister Morgan Le Fay,

This definitely deserves its own paragraph. However, this was one of my fave parts of writing as far as style comes. Oh, and it needed a period at the end, not a comma.

they sorcerers wanted Morgan to, after all she was the sibling of Merlin, which meant she would have the magical jean as well.

"they" should be "The". "jean" should be "genes".


The rest of the first paragraph just needs to be written out for more action to draw readers in.

They came to a large golden gate that seperated them from the humans world "State your business" came the heavy vioce of a griff, a griff was one of the few magical creature trusted by magicains.

They came to the large golden gate that separated their world from the humans. "State your business," came the heavy voice of a Griff, one of the few magical creatures trusted by magicians.

"It is Merlin and Naomi coming with Morgan Le Fay."

Remember, when speakers change, you need a new line. Also, punctuate your dialog. Commas and periods are missing throughout the story.

The large golden doors openedinsert a comma hererevealing the magical world of Surden. Merlin and Naomi ran as fast as they could to the castle of Surden. As they came through the stone hallways they found their master in the trophy room.

Even with my several changes, it would be best to add more description. Give the differences between Surden and the magical world, describe the castle. It will draw the reader in.


As for the rest, just work on punctuation and remember to start a new paragraph for new speakers.



Also, sorry for being so harsh, but I hope you continue with the story.

Preety interesting topic.
I've never heard of Morgan le Fay.

ok,
morgan le fay was merlins baby sister (as written in my story)
she has often been said to be a evil witch (in my case i have changed that)
i am makin her life sart over again to show that she was never evil just caught in the wrong place at the wrong time (now that we have that settled please read on)!

I like the idea. But it does need some work, and I wish you focus more on the baby.

Yes I agree. You might want to work on your grammar. Describe your surroundings more. focus on the MC we know nothing about them. Good idea though. I love reading up on Morgan Lefaye. Good luck and keep writing.

She's not always evil you know.