Is a poem to my sister that passed away.

A BIRD AND A ROSE

Oh my darling sister
you are a rose delicate
and fragant singing with
angels of heaven.

Oh my sweet friend
how I miss your beautiful eyes
looking at me, your sad expression
and your sweet and strong heart,
Oh my darling sister
you are a rose with soft petals.
Oh, so beautiful.

Oh my lovely angel
you are in heaven
embrancing our mother
singing with beautiful
birds, I can see you with
a bird in your hand
running free and finally
at peace. Oh how much
you loved birds and now like
them you fly in the sky.

Oh my sweet sister
I miss you down here,
you can see is all a caos,
the earth has become at
times a place of war
you are in a far better place
with the angels, with the clouds
and being held by the love of
God, oh my love, my darling
little sister everytime I see a
bird it reminds me of you
and when I do my heart knows
finally you had found your home.


(to you my beautiful sister Rosy,
you will always live in my heart
forever),

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This poem is amazingly beautiful and touching, I love it

my only comment is an your spelling of "chaos" as "caos" other than that, great job!

I'm sorry for your sister, your poem was so poignant that I almost cried, I'm so sorry.

Well, let's start with the good news. I liked the imagery of the bird. I thought it worked well because she liked birds.

Now the not-so-good. You repeat "Oh my darling sister" or some similar phrase too many times. Pretty soon, I'll start singing "Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine..." And I'm guessing that's not what you want people to start thinking.

Cut out all the "Oh's" and this poem will automatically be better.

Also, there some places with iffy grammar ("you can see is all a caos") and some funky line breaks, but these concerns are rather miniscule compared to the larger issue with the piece: It's not terribly original. Roses, heaven, angels, clouds, a better place...it's all been done. In fact, death is kind of hard to write about without invoking these cliches.

If you wish to pursue improving this, I would start with the idea of the bird and go from there. Maybe you can make the bird symbolize your sister. What color is she? What kind of bird? What song is she singing? How did she die?

I may sound kind of harsh, but I think you can do a much better job if you re-think your approach to the subject.

Best of luck and keep writing!

abbie20,


Strictly speaking, "that" is reserved for objects, while "who" is used for people. Thus your title should be "Is a poem to my sister who passed away."

As for the poem itself, it's overflowing with heaps of images used about four million times in other beginner work. Birds, flowers, loss, love--these are themes so oft-repeated one might reasonably wonder they haven't been banned from the realm of poetry altogether.

Future revisions should start with a new sheet of paper altogether. Also reading some actual (published, modern) poetry will help you develop an ear for what's good and what isn't. After you've had some exposure, you should be embarassed by this attempt.


Best,
Brad

Oh, gosh, what a terrible thing! So sorry...

This is such a lovely & touching piece of work. Since others have already pointed out your errors, I have nothing else to say...

Keep it up!

This poem really touched me , it shows your true feelings that you have for your sister, but in the future try to remember to use spell check because i noticed that you spelled chaos wrong, but other than that it was nice!

A BIRD AND A ROSE

Oh my darling sister
you are a rose delicate
and fragant singing with - "Frangrance"
angels of heaven. - AWWW. Such a sweet stanza.

Oh my sweet friend
how I miss your beautiful eyes
looking at me, your sad expression
and your sweet and strong heart,
Oh my darling sister
you are a rose with soft petals.
Oh, so beautiful. -

Oh my lovely angel
you are in heaven
embrancing our mother - "Embracing" your mother
singing with beautiful
birds, I can see you with
a bird in your hand
running free and finally
at peace. Oh how much
you loved birds and now like
them you fly in the sky. - I think I'm going to cry..

Oh my sweet sister
I miss you down here,
you can see is all a caos, - "Chaos"
the earth has become at
times a place of war
you are in a far better place
with the angels, with the clouds
and being held by the love of
God, oh my love, my darling
little sister everytime I see a
bird it reminds me of you
and when I do my heart knows
finally you had found your home.


(to you my beautiful sister Rosy,
you will always live in my heart
forever), -- (Get rid of comma)

OMFG.
That was the best poem in the history of forever.
I'm lucky that I didn't cry... I loved how you compared her to the birds and how she was free... the similies and metaphors you used were great. I'm in love with this poem now.
You're such a great writer!! KEEP WRITING!

I would like to thank everyone who had something to say about the poem.
I love to write, I came to this country from Spain when I was 13 and actually Spanish is my first language but I love to read and write in both languages. I wasn't trying write something new to make an impression, I was just trying to let my feelings out in the open about someone who still is very dear to me. I love to write but lately for me is a type of therapy because I had lost my sister and my mom and being on my own now I feel a lot of new feelings which I need to express in order to find peace within me. Any how I want to thank you all for all your comments, I valued them. If I only touched one person with this poem for me that is what matters the most, touching people's hearts is also why I write, I don't care about being a J. K. Rowling, all I care about is expressing my inner world and touching people's hearts and I can see that I touched some of them and that had put a great smile in my face.

Someone commented about using too much words like angels, clouds, heaven and roses, to me this were the best words to described my sister who I pictured in heaven with the angels, those words were used with that purpose. I don't intend my writing to be complicated for people to understand. I had read poetry difficult to understand the meaning and I prefer poems that are simple to grasp what the writer is trying to say.
I think when different people read a poem or any type of material is up to that person to like it or not, sometimes what a person likes others might dislike, so in conclusion I just want to thank you for all your comments, the good ones and the bad ones.

Thank you;

Abbie