bagel hell

Welcome peer
have no fear,
for all is well
in bagel hell.
The kettle sings,
the doorbell rings,
the signs say hot,
but really they're not.
Bakery guests moan,
employees groan,
and slip on tile
and try to beguile
the secret shop
should in they stop.
When the manager comes
the place just hums
with inner joy
like child with toy,
and smiles appear,
oh have no fear,
for all is well
in bagel hell.


My sister works at a bagel bakery and one day she told me about a note that she had written to her manager that said "All is well in bagel hell" So I wrote this simply atrocious bit of work. And I showed it to her... and she threw a bagel at me

Yay! You posted it. ...I like this poem! The only thing I can point out is this:

Adnamarine wrote:like child with toy,

This kind of breaks up the action. I think it would flow better as:

1. Like a child with toy
2. Like children with toys

This is actually a very entertaining poem, I like how you made the tune light and upbeat! On my part, I have to point out the lack of punctuations, I'm not sure if the punctuation marks will have much effect but the poem just seem to lack them.. That's all, but the poem is very fun! I hope that you'll keep writing!

I agree that perhaps this could benefit from punctuation, or more consistent punctuation, since you seem to have a little.

"the bakery guest moans" = this seems a little awkward in the placing of the rhythm. Perhaps you could cut "the" and it would flow a bit better, unless you really want "the" in there. Same thing with "the" employees. And I think it flowed better with "like child with toy" better, but it's your poem.

But otherwise, I liked this. It has a great, rat-tat-tat rhythm and your rhymes are quite amusing. I loved the "all is well; in bagel hell" Absolutely cracked me up.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

I love this poem! Makes me laugh...

Very entertaining & fun to read...keep it up!