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Wed Mar 05, 2008 8:10 pm

GingerLizzy says... · Wed Mar 05, 2008 8:10 pm

This is way off my usual scheme of things and I feel totally wrong posting it, but I wrote it on the spur of the moment and thought I could improve. Suggestions welcome. :]

-----

You still leave the cap off the toothpaste. Always.
Squeezing from the top so that the tube mangles,
into a wasteful mess. We rush to get that morning fix
with scurried words as the pot starts steaming. But,
we still find time to kiss.

I'll make my way to the office, FT under my arm.
You always used to fuss over that, with a playful
smile. Always fussing over me, even when I was late.
My eyes would clash with your smile,
and there would be no stopping us.

You left the seat up once, remember? Who thought,
such small things would make us say such words
to each other. But there it was again; that cheeky smile,
just melting away your habits and my annoyance.
How many years is it now, since that first fire?

Last edited by GingerLizzy on Thu Mar 06, 2008 6:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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hekategirl

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Wed Mar 05, 2008 9:31 pm

hekategirl says... · Wed Mar 05, 2008 9:31 pm

This poem was good! some points however:

You still leave the cap off the toothpaste. Always.
Squeezing from the top so that the tube mangles,
Into a wasteful mess. We rush to get that morning fix
With scurried words as the pot starts steaming. But,
We still find time to kiss.

I liked the way you continued your thoughts from the previous line to next line, but, I think it would flow better if you didn't capitalize the continued sentence. Something like this:

You still leave the cap off the toothpaste. Always.
Squeezing from the top so that the tube mangles,
into a wasteful mess. We rush to get that morning fix
with scurried words as the pot starts steaming. But,
we still find time to kiss.

The same with the rest of the stanzas.

I'll make my way to the office, FT under my arm.

Maybe I'm just being dense, but what (Or who) is FT? It confused me and left a confused taste in my mouth the rest of the poem, which took away from the beautiful-ness of the ending stanzas.

How many years is it now, since that first fire?

I was also confused by this line, do you mean figuratively or literally? because you didn't really hint at either in the poem, which made it a kind of out of place ending.

Overall I really did like this poem. It had good rhythm and it had cute story.

I give it an A+

***Honorary 11-Year-Old***

Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el

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niteowl

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Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:40 pm

niteowl says... · Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:40 pm

I pretty much agree with hekategirl. Less capitalization would improve it immensely. And regarding the last line, I thought it was a rather abrupt ending. You might try continuing off that, reminiscing about that "first fire" or something. Or you could just remove it. I'd go with the latter, but it's up to you.

Overall, good job. I really liked the first stanza.

"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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LoveableLittleSock

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Fri Mar 07, 2008 3:20 pm

LoveableLittleSock says... · Fri Mar 07, 2008 3:20 pm

You still leave the cap off the toothpaste. Always.
Squeezing from the top so that the tube mangles,
into a wasteful mess. We rush to get that morning fix
with scurried words as the pot starts steaming. But,
we still find time to kiss. - Aww. nice rhyme

I'll make my way to the office, FT under my arm.
You always used to fuss over that, with a playful
smile. Always fussing over me, even when I was late.
My eyes would clash with your smile,
and there would be no stopping us.

You left the seat up once, remember? Who thought,
such small things would make us say such words
to each other. But there it was again; that cheeky smile,
just melting away your habits and my annoyance.
How many years is it now, since that first fire?

Wow. So perfect. Don't change anything! But, who is the narrator I don't know. Is it the wife or the husband or.. I don't know. Care to tell me?
I love this poem. It's so neatly and professionally written.
KEEP WRITING!

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Liz

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Sat Mar 08, 2008 6:02 am

Liz says... · Sat Mar 08, 2008 6:02 am

I quite like this. You have a strong voice and the content here really capitalises on this. For the most part the subject was interesting, and uniquely written.

You still leave the cap off the toothpaste. Always.

Little personal details like that really give your poem depth, but I think you could be more original in some of them, like leaving the seat up, the playful smile, etc. They're relationship features and foibles we see in the movies, on TV and whatever, but what will make your poem more interesting is unexpected things.

purple sneakers

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Jasmine Hart

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Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:57 am

Jasmine Hart says... · Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:57 am

This is really great, Lizzy. Your tone is great, your rhythm is great, all the little details are great. I wish I could be more helpful, but I really can't fault this.

Jas

"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou

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Cade

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Sun Mar 09, 2008 7:26 pm

Cade says... · Sun Mar 09, 2008 7:26 pm

It's sweet...but that's about all it has. It doesn't strike me as that original...even the speaker's voice is very...Lifetime movie, know what I mean?

But really, originality is the big problem. The cap-off-the-toothpaste and the leaving-the-seat-up are the cliche couple pet peeves. Come up with something we've never heard of before! Your speaker and the person she's addressing should be PEOPLE, not cookie-cutter characters. (I don't want to read a poem along the lines of Everybody Loves Raymond.)

-Colleen

"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."

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Rydia

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Fri Mar 14, 2008 10:06 pm

Rydia says... · Fri Mar 14, 2008 10:06 pm

I have to agree with Colly here. This poem is sweet but it verges on the unoriginal. It's nice and it's well written and it's one of those poems that makes you think 'awww' but not much more.

I think you need to consider what purpose you might have in writing this. If it's just to write a pleasant poem that tells a story then you've done that and you've done it with reasonable skill. You could have chosen more original habits and you could have filled your characters with more personality but that's not necessary. The poem is clear, easy to read and relate to and it flows beautifully.

However, if you want to have an impact on your reader, if you want them to remember your poem then it needs work. Start with considering the impact you want to have. Do you want them to crave this sort of love? Make it stronger. Add detail to your persona's life, make it so that your reader feels that they know her. Your writing is eloquent and effective but your content lacks anything that really stands out. Maybe show more of a flaw to the relationship - have there been times that they've argued? - and you could change the poem into the story of how they've come through. Of how love can prevail.

One small, more specific suggestion - don't end with the image of fire. How often is a flame linked to love? I've used the image myself which should tell you how over-used it is

Avoid it. I'm sure you can be more unique. Let me know if you have questions or would like me to take a look at anything else or a re-write. Sorry I couldn't be too helpful,

Heather xx

Writing Gooder

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The light shines brightest in the darkest places.

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AVilicious666

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Mon Mar 17, 2008 7:25 pm

AVilicious666 says... · Mon Mar 17, 2008 7:25 pm

GingerLizzy wrote:This is way off my usual scheme of things and I feel totally wrong posting it, but I wrote it on the spur of the moment and thought I could improve. Suggestions welcome. :]

-----

You still leave the cap off the toothpaste. Always.
Squeezing from the top so that the tube mangles,
this reads a little choppy, so maybe take out the always and use a dash after toothpaste, because I also don't like the incomplete thought on the second line. And, the second line doesn't need a comma. Get rid of it.
into a wasteful mess. We rush to get that morning fix
with scurried words as the pot starts steaming. comma instead of period, uncapitalized the but But,
we still find time to kiss. this is my favorite line.

I'll make my way to the office, FT under my arm. FT? Am I supposed to know what this means? If so, I feel like a dumb dumb, but if I'm not the only one who doesn't understand, try and help the reader out a little bit?
You always used to fuss over that, no comma. with a playful
smile. Always fussing over me, even when I was late.
My eyes would clash with your smile,
and there would be no stopping us. from what? elaborate.

You left the seat up once, remember? Who thought, No comma.
such small things would make us say such words question mark here.
[s]to each other.[/s] the reader should already know you're saying it to each other. But there it was again; that cheeky smile, no comma
just melting away your habits and my annoyance. maybe say, 'just melting away your annoying habits' it's less syllables, so helps the flow, plus, it also still tells the reader that you were annoyed.
How many years is it now, no comma since that first fire?
it feels un-ended. you should elaborate on that first fire and tell us what happened then. compare how he was then and now.

[b]hope i helped. =]
good luck.

A.V. [[Ashurii]]
Choose one. I don't care which.

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RoryLegend

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Wed Mar 19, 2008 12:54 am

RoryLegend says... · Wed Mar 19, 2008 12:54 am

I just had a hard time with following the flow of it, because of how you divided everything up...Also there were a few lines I just didn't get..but I guess that is more my problem than yours...keep writing! =]

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ashleylee

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Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:41 pm

ashleylee says... · Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:41 pm

I liked this a lot! It had that sweet little edge to it that make you smile as you read it. I agree with niteowl that the end was a little abrupt. It seemed to hang a bit, as thought it wasn't quite finished. Continuing on seems like the right path to me and lengthening the poem a bit just so it ends more smoothly. But otherwise, I think this was really nicely done.

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~ Joseph Conrad

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casey_kent

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Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:42 am

casey_kent says... · Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:42 am

It was an awesome poem. But I wanted to know who is the one narrating? Wife or husband?

Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship.

I may not be perfect but Jesus thinks I'm to die for.

"Let's destroy these little darlings..."- W.Beckett

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J.C. Belding

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Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:34 am

J.C. Belding says... · Thu Mar 27, 2008 7:34 am

This is pretty good. Nice imagrey but I think it really needs to be expanded. I felt like the poem was just beggining when I finished.

"There is nothing impossible to him who will try."-Alexander the Great

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Areida

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Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:09 am

Areida says... · Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:09 am

Hi Ginger!

Not a bad piece you've got here, but not a particularly excellent one either. I didn't feel any kind of rhythm along the way, and some of your phrasing felt "off." I think, like Colly said, though, that your biggest problem here is originality. Toothpaste and toilet seats, early-morning coffee and rushing to the ubiquitous office all feels very trite. I don't know if this is about someone you know, or someone you hope to be, or if it's just two characters who popped into your head, but try and draw some things from real life to make this feel more real. I think the image of a "Lifetime movie" is appropriate here.

Transforming them from ordinary people doing ordinary things that have been done time and time again into unique people doing (even small) original things will really improve this piece drastically.

Best of luck! (And kudos to you for stepping out of your comfort zone.

)

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Fand

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Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:44 am

Fand says... · Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:44 am

Hmm. This poem is giving me pause for a few reasons:

(a) The concept. It's not a bad one; I much prefer poems exploring the nature of settled relationships, their quirks and little tragedies and little comedies, then those ubiquitous odes to the magic of new love, or the pain of unrequited love. Here, however, it comes across as more banal instead of subtle. It's a difficult line to walk, taking the everyday and making it significant, and I'd say here you lost your balance and fell into the banal.

(b) The phrasing. Again, a lot of what you have here is the sort of thing I like; simple, not too purple or abstract. But there's no life to these words, no verve--they don't dance, they plod steadily along. Plodding isn't a bad thing when you're just trying to get from A to B, but poetry's about the journey, not the destination, da?

In conclusion: try nudging this poem back over that line into the significant everyday--and do that by breathing life into your phrases. Work with rhythm, word choice, pay attention to the detail. This has a lot of potential, and it's disappointing to see it fall flat, especially because I know you can do better.

Good luck, from one ginger to another!

Bitter Charlie :: Shady Grove, CA :: FreeRice (162,000/1,000,000)

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