Hazel

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This is the prologue of a story I worked on for english class a couple of years ago. I will post the first chapter after I get some feedback on this.

Hazel


Prologue

Millions of people walk this great world that we inhabit. They come from different countries and speak different languages. Some are extra ordinary and others are extraordinary. With their minds they can control the world or even create a new one.

Pennington is a small town in England where the church is most valued. Anything extraordinary was considered to be evil. The mention of the word
"magic" would have you killed or even worse excommunicated from the church.

The people of Pennington lived their lives suspicious of their neighbors and the people they passed on the streets. Dreams were considered to be foolish and so people never dreamed.

One day a boy named Warren Thomas was born. When his mother looked him in the eyes she saw a light that shone brighter than the sun. From that point on she knew that her son would be extraordinary.

Unfortunately, Warren's father was a man of the church. He looked into his son's eyes and all he saw was evil. So to release his son of the "evil" that was devouring his soul, he decided to kill him.

Warren's mother begged and pleaded. She then went to the church begging for them to have mercy on her son. She stayed at the church's doors until the sun rose up the next morning, crying and praying. When the sun touched Pennington all the doors of every house opened.

Torches caressed the air. Screams set the tone for what was about to happen. All the townspeople heard of the woman who had a son who was extraordinary. They wanted this boy killed before he had a chance to bestow evil on them.

The townspeople approached the church, thrusting the torches at the woman.
Suddenly, the church's doors opened and out came a man in a black cloak. He had long gray hair, and dark eyes.

"We shall see what this creature is." the man said, holding up Warren.

The people rejoiced as they followed the black cloaked man down the cobblestone towards the Black Forest. When they were in the center of the forest, everyone gathered around in a circle.

"If this creature is human then he will bleed." the man shouted, picking up a rock.

"No! No!" Warren's mother cried, as she ran towards the man.

"You shall be silenced until judgment is over." the man said firmly.

Two guards took either side of the woman before she reached the man. They pulled her back violently. Pain escaped from the woman's mouth as she watched as the man cut her son.

"You can not do this to him! He is only a baby." Warren's mother said crying heavily.

"Perhaps you're right. Creatures like you do bleed." the man said walking deeper into the forest.

The townspeople followed the man into the forest until they reached the cliffs. Everyone watched as the man held the baby over the cliff. Warren's mother screamed angrily as she tried to break free from the guards who still imprisoned her.

"If she was a true mother she'd save her son right now. If she was a witch she'd confess that she was in order to save her son." the man said, glaring at Warren's mother angrily.

"Please have mercy on him! I beg of you! Please!" the woman screamed, pain raining from her eyes.

"Do you wish to drop him yourself? It is either you or him." the man asked.

The woman closed her eyes and let out a soft sigh. She pulled one of her hands free and stroked the cross that hung from her neck. She whispered a prayer to herself. Then she opened her eyes to meet the cloaked man's gaze.

"The witch is praying." the man said laughing.

The whole crowd broke into laughter. The woman could feel the two guards behind her laughing.

"I will drop him myself." the woman said firmly.

The laughter stopped.

"How brave of you." the man teased lightly.

The guards let go of the woman and pushed her forward. The woman walked towards the man until she was nose to nose with him. The cloaked man handed her the baby who was screaming.

She held him close to her as she tried to make a decision that would change both of their lives.

"People watch as you witness this witch throw her own son over this cliff. Listen as this monster cries for his mother, as he cries for his life. Pray for these sinners, because their existence is nothing but a sin." the man said firmly.

"What I am about to do is an act of love. My son is not a monster. He will not be executed like this! God loves all his children. Even the ones, who on earth, are outcasts!" the woman shouted angrily.

The woman looked down at her baby and whispered the same prayer she had whispered before to her son. Then she gently placed him on the ground. She then took her necklace from around her neck and placed it on the baby.

All eyes were on her.

After saying goodbye to her son, she ran for the cliff and jumped.

It took the guards a while to climb down the cliff. Once they reached the bottom they were shocked to find the woman, dead. Her blood leaked into the ocean water. Her eyes were cold and still.

When the guards returned to the cloaked man and the townspeople, their eyes were cold, as if they had seen a ghost. They told the people of the woman and how she lye there dead.

The cloaked man's expression remained firm as it had from the beginning of the judgment.

"Come!" the man commanded, walking back towards Pennington.

"What shall we do with the baby?" one of the guards ask.

"Leave it. He is released from the church." the man replied with an evil grin.

That night a terrible snow storm hit Pennington. Wolves howled and owls hooted. The melodies of the night combined with the baby's endless crying created a deadly tune.

Suddenly a woman appeared. She had long raven black hair and lips as red
as blood. Her eyes were as blue as the ocean. She was beautiful.

When the mysterious woman saw the baby she immediately picked him up and took him back to her village. The people of the woman's village raised the baby together. Warren grew up to be a handsome young man with an adventurous mind.





Long ago a mythical city, Majesta, was created in the heart of England. Its founder, Warren
Long ago a mythical city, Majesta, was found in the heart of England. To get to it, all you had to do was dream. Now I know people think that dreaming is for simpletons and fools, but to unlock this place you had to open your heart, see what your eyes couldn't see, and believe in it.

For centuries people have tried to get into this city, but all has failed.

They only wanted to find the city to steal its treasures not to enjoy its pleasures. There were few in the world, like me, who believed in this city because stories of it made it sound so majestic and grand.


King Warren ruled over Majesta at the time, and he had to renounce his throne for he was sick. His eldest son, Thorne, was next in line to the throne. Thorne was a kind and loving person who never judged anyone even if judgement was deserved. Everyone praised him and hoped he would make a great King. Thorne's younger brother, Dimitri, grew jealous and let greed and hate devour his soul.

One day Dimitri killed his father and made it look like Thorne had done it. Dimitri hoped the royal authorities would sentence Thorne to death but they couldn't do it. People still couldn't believe that Thorne would kill his own father, whom he loved, for no apparent reason. So Thorne was exiled from his kingdom. His power to dream and believe was taken from him so he could no longer return to Majesta.

He had to start a new life in England. A life that would be different from his one before. Meanwhile, Dimitri became King and ruled over Majesta with an iron fist. He knew the only way he could be defeated is if Thorne had a child who was capable of dreaming and believing. One day that child was born.
Last edited by Angel of Death on Thu Mar 06, 2008 1:59 am, edited 3 times in total.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
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This is exactly how I imagine a Prologue to be, the set-up for the story, the backround. It written very well for what it was. A few points however:

King Warren ruled over Majesta at the time and he had to renounce his throne for he was sick.


I thought that that was a poor excuse to renounce your throne. Give us more info, just a tad.

His power to dream and believe was taken from him so he could no longer return to Majesta.


His power to dream and believe was taken from him? I really don't believe that should possible, even in Fiction. I regard the power to dream and believe our most precious power, and it's even more precious because it can't be taken away.

And also at first when you said "dream" I thought you meant literally dream, like REM sleep, literal. Maybe make it more apparent what you mean.

Overall I thought it was good Prologue. Keep it up!

By the way, is that your real name? because if it is, you should take it down immediately. It's unsafe to have your full name on the Internet :D
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Angel of Death wrote:For centuries people have tried to get into this city, but all has failed. They only wanted to find the city to steal its treasures not to enjoy its pleasures. There were few in the world, like me, who believed in this city because stories of it made it sound so majestic and grand.


This is the only thing I came up with...It's a good plot, but I'm not too much of a fan for prologues without action. Instead of just telling the reader all the information, I think you should just write out the action of what happened, progress to a couple of years later, and then start with the current action of the story. It seems less like a history book that way and it's more interesting and pulls in the reader.

That's just my opinion, the person above me obviously enjoys background prologues, but I don't.
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Hmmm... it's sort of unlike most fantasy prolugues. Try to revise some sentence structure, adding more compound, complex, and long sentenctes to create the proluge mood. Also, the first bit doesn't hook me, the way a proluge should. Try to change it so that the first sentence glares at you, draws you in, and then make the rest be a little less "this is what happened" format. Great plot and storyline, but I think you're a little shaky on how to write prologues. PM me with any questions!
me: why can we kill for Jesus and not Muhammed?
my best friend: because Jesus is white.
me: that's not fair!
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I'd really like to thank everyone for their advice it was really helpful. This will be
finished soon, in the mean time I will be posting part of Chapter 1. It's a bit long. Again thanks a lot everyone for your help it's very helpful
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.



"She doesn't even go here!"
— Damian Leigh