Young Writers Society

After Suzanne's comments, I decided to revamp "Sixteen" and came up with a brand new poem: "Kaleidoscope."

Kaleidoscope

For my family and friends.

Another hurdle conquered,
another chasm crossed;
another year has cast itself,
cast itself away like a velvet skin
as it vanishes over the horizon.

I must pull apart the old picture
and paint a truer masterpiece.
The pale blue of worry, the potent red of anger,
the plain, cold grey of despair:
I will transform them all,

transform them all with the smell of green paradise;
the taste of golden dreams; the silky feeling of bright hope,
as I face the sensual aura of the sunset.
This is the majesty of the kaleidoscope,
the kaleidoscope few can ever find.

This reminds me of what happens to a lot people, in fact, all people.

Change.

I don't know if that's what you had in mind, but i really like this.


Keep writing,

Risa

Within the first two lines, I could tell where the rest of the poem was going. This isn't so great because if I know the whole poem with just the first few lines, why should I bother finishing it?

I think one of the biggest things here is that you use typical words and descriptions to describe the passing of time. Just in the first stanza, there are hurdles, things being defeated, and horizons. That's... alright, I suppose. These things do show the passing of time, but I've read them all before a million times, and in that sense, it's boring. You're not telling me anything new; you're not giving me a new way to look at the subject.

And in that sense, I like where you're going with the painting image. It's a nice, fresh way to see things. Personally, I'd get rid of the first stanza entirely and just concentrate on that image.

However, I don't like beginning the second stanza with "I must pull apart...". It sounds angsty and self-depricating, and just makes me want to roll my eyes. Better might be to start with an affirmative statement: "I will pull apart". This is something definite. Something the narrator has already decided for himself. The first one sounds like the narrator wants someone to talk him out of his actions.

I'd spend more time on the color imagery. Relate it back to the kaleidoscope image (maybe not in name, though) every so often so that we're not just suddenly hit with it at the end.

In the last stanza, I like how you used other senses than sight to describe things: the smell of green paradise, etc. However, I think it jumped too quickly from one sense to another. Like they were all just a passing reference rather than a concept to soak in and use to understand everything.

I said before to integrate the kaleidoscope imagery with the rest of the poem because by the time I get to the last two lines I feel like I'm reading a summary. And if I can read the summary, why would I read the rest of the poem?

I like what you're saying here, and you express yourself well. I think some of your rhythm is a bit off, and this disrupts the flow of the poem. Try reading it aloud so that you can get a better sense of how it should sound. I'm going to go through it line by line, and make so suggestions;

"Another hurdle overcome,
another chasm crossed;
another year has cast itself,
[s]cast itself [/s][s]away[/s] like a velvet skin across
the far-away horizon, and is forever lost.

Maybe try "I must tear the old picture, and paint a truer masterpiece. I'd give blue and red their own lines, and change the last line of this stanza, as it's a bit weak.

I'd also give the "dreams" and "hope" phrases their own lines.
I'd omit " as I face the sensual aura of thesunset" as it's a bit too wordy and you don't really need it.

Maybe try some metered poetry. Maybe haikus or sonnets or something, as they'll help you get a better sense of rhythm. Hope this helps.

Jas

Not too bad. I like the general metaphor of life & realisation as a kaleidoscope, but as Leja pointed out, a lot of your other ideas were just too predictable. Hurdles, chasms, pictures...I felt that with such a overused topic of growing older/ birthday poems, you needed to be more unique in your metaphor. You could try an extended metaphor with the kaleidoscope, because that was one of your stronger images.
I'd suggest really reconsidering all of your adjectives if you want to make the ideas you have as powerful as you can.

The pale blue of worry, the potent red of anger,
the plain, cold grey of despair:

That's the most obvious example of cluttered writing. All those colours and then, on top of it, descriptions of the colours, they detract from the emotion you're trying to convey.

another year has cast itself,
cast itself away like a velvet skin

transform them all with the smell of green paradise;
the taste of golden dreams; the silky feeling of bright hope,
as I face the sensual aura of the sunset.

Again, I was overwhelmed by the description in that sentence and I forgot what it was you were actually describing! When you use an adjective you need to consider: is it original? Does it actually add to what I want to convey? And finally, do I seriously need it? (That'll get rid of 95% of them). Powerful writing relies on verbs and nouns.
The repetition here is more like a lyric of a song and kind of ruins the rhythm.
Well, you've got a good start, so nice job. This could be a very decent piece.