Sarah's Eyes

This is my first piece of writing posted on here, so please be patient if I do something wrong. I take very hard critiques well...they make me better. If my grammar is not up to par, take me to task. I should know better. Please review, and thank you.


Sarah’s Eyes



Sarah’s eyes never left the page.

Outside, the sound of fighting grew louder and louder still. Screams pierced through the air to echo in the ears of the listener. Crashes like bombs leapt at unsuspecting victims.

Sarah’s eyes never left the page.

Here in her safe place, she was supposed to be invincible. Nothing bad could touch her. Except for the sounds. The sounds that she could hear all the time, even in her dreams.

As the screams grew louder, she pulled her knees in closer to her, but her eyes never left the page.

The page soon turned into another, and that page to another. The binding of the weathered book in her hands was cracking, the pages fading. Sarah’s eyes moved down the yellowed page, her eyes like hungry men devouring a feast.

The sounds outside could not touch the pages of the book. Only Sarah’s eyes could touch them.

With the sounds of war growing nearer and nearer, Sarah left her world of war and dove into another. Another beautiful world, where white knights rescued beautiful maidens and cunning girls outwitted evil warlocks. A world where wise wizards walked the streets and golden palaces adorned the horizon. A world where dragons flew over in the sky and untouched forests grew in abandon.

A world where there was no war.

This world was anything and everything she wanted it to be. It was her lifeline, the one thing that held onto her when all else failed. It grew and prospered under her nurturing care. In her mind, the world was perfect.

When Sarah closed her eyes, it was real.

When she opened them again, it was gone, replaced by reality.

The sounds of war always grew louder, unceasing in their torment. The screams of innocent victims still filled the air. The war was very much alive, feeding off of everything it could hold on to.

Except Sarah. Sarah had an escape, a place to run to when everything was wrong.

The endless war continued on.

Sarah’s eyes never left the page.

I really liked this. I enjoyed your style, with your varying sentences and repetition. It was a bit short; which was disappointing and makes it hard to critique.

There weren't any mistakes so I'll just put in a few suggestions.

Sarah’s eyes moved down the weathered page, her eyes like hungry men devouring a feast.

I liked the simile you used here, although I would change the word weathered to something else as you've used it already and it doesn't add anything. Consider another adjective?

With the sounds of war growing

Sounds of war has been used a bit too much. It's nice to have repetition but after a while it's a bit 'Ok, we know about the 'sounds of war'....'

I think you should perhaps only say 'Sarah's eyes never left the page' at the very beginning and the very end to keep the dramatic affect there. By using it in between it looses that affect slightly. However, I do like the repetition of it - it works well.

I like your idea. It's original and relate-able for us writers.

All the best,
Alainna
xx

I like this too, it's attention grabbing and makes me want to read more (if only there was more to read ) One thing I would suggest though is that although your short sentences are very effective starting a new paragraph every couple of sentences makes it seem a little scattered and sparse. But that's probably just me

Hey, Lady Kyra!

I've got to say--this is a really beautiful piece. You've definitely got a grasp of what words are and what to do with them. You're an amazing writer, so my comments will be very brief and directed to what you can do in the future.

- I've read the "girl escapes pain through books" thing a lot of places. If you're going to go with a very predictable theme, pretty words alone won't save it. You've got to really make the story larger than life, through detail. Just what is this girl like? What is the society like?

- "Bittersweet" is really difficult to do. Practice writing happy things, and practice writing sad things--doing both is hard, but with (you guessed it) practice, it can be especially effective.

- Work on writing stories from the direct perspective of a person--passive views from the outside can be really cool, but the most powerful forms of writing are more personal than panoramic.

What you've got here is an amazing start. PM me if you post anything more--I'd love to read it!

Hello all. Thank you for your comments and critiques, for they are greatly appreciated. This is actually the first time I've tried to write something this...erm...bittersweet, maybe. So every bit of advice goes toward making it better.

Alainna- It was supposed to be 'yellowed' page, not weathered page. I thought I'd changed it, but I hadn't. Oops.

SilentButSure- When I gave this to my friends to read, one of them threatened to hit me with her geometry book because it was so short. Sorry!

Sam- Thanks for the advice for the future. I'll try to work on them. Most of my stories are more straightforward, like 'guy discovers a talking dragon under his bed' (I just made that up) sort of stories. So I'll work on it.

Thanks to all!

Hey. I really liked this, which for me is saying a lot (I'm very picky). Your plot, what we saw of it, was good and attention-grabbing. The repetition thing does need to be worked on, I believe, and there was one part that I would have changed.

"Sarah left her world of war and dove into another". Something like, "Sarah left her own world of war and dived into another," would be better.

And just a few questions: Why can't the real war outside touch her? Isn't she in just as much danger as the rest of the people?

And what war is this? Where does she live? I'm a sucker for details, so a more described setting would have made it even better for me.

All in all, great. Keep writing.

This was a really nice piece. I like your style and it flowed well.

I would try to put in an atmosphere of tension, though. It felt all happy and calm, when really there's awar outside, and it shouldn't feel that way.

The page soon turned into another, and that page to another

Change the second bit to, and another. It's just easier.

I loved how you kept say, Sarah's eyes never left the page. It reminded me of how little kids won't look up at something they don't like, and try to believe it's not there.

Great writing! I'd just try making it a little more tense, and then this piece would be really great.

This piece was actually kind of poetic. Especially the ending, in my opinion. I've personally never heard of this idea before and enjoyed it thoroughly.

Sarah’s eyes moved down the yellowed page, her eyes like hungry men devouring a feast.

The only problem I had was with this part. The part with the hungry men took me away from the cool/bittersweet/awe inspiring feeling. I'd find a different thing to say that corresponds with the story more.

You know how to creep me out Lady Kyra. Really really creep me out. You are probably reading this and wondering 'why the heck does it creep her out?'. You'll have to keep wondering, i dont want to explain it. It was good. the repitition in the first paragraph was effective and dramatic.

Aw, you're mean. You didn't allow me to have a very in-depth critique! It was too good.

Extra: I like how you made me feel for Sarah from her actions, even though we hardly met her.

~JFW1415

This is a very good piece. I liked how you repeated sarah's eyes in a lot of the sentences. Also, it flowed really well and grabbed my attention from the begining. Great Job!

This was fantastic! No nitpicks left to do. Everyone else did a good job of it. I like this. You should do more.

Alex