Mathew, please don't leave me

Mathew, please don't leave me!

When I saw you I got butterflies.

When I wasn't around you I felt like I was not whole.

We would have been friends forever,
we were friends forever.

But now I think I love you.

Mathew, please don't leave me!

I sit here beside your grave still,
it has been four years since that car accident.

Forever you will be mine,
forever will I think of you,
forever will I love you.

Mathew, please don't leave me!

I miss your hand in mine,
but sometimes I can still feel your touch

I miss the way we played tag in the spring.
The way we would jump in the leaves during fall.

I can still see your dark brown eyes,
they were always filled with brightness.

Mathew, please don't leave me!

I still go to the park on Sunday.

Waiting for you to pick me up,
if I fell.

Your name makes me cry.
I put flowers on your grave,
red roses, your favorite.

The longing to see you hurts my heart.
Mathew, please don't leave me!

But then I realize, you'll always be here,
in my heart!


I'll see you again,
oneday, when I'm older

Yes I still miss you Mathew.

Mathew, now I know ,you haven't left me!

Hi! Besides needing punctuation, this was really good.

We have been friends since forever

I would take out the 'since' and just make it: We have been friends forever.
You could also do with a few metaphors instead of fact. For example:
Instead of:

Everywhere I go I see your face

You could say something like: Your face left an imprint behind my eyes....
or something like that.
I like the simple beauty of your work. Nice job on this!

This is the kind of poem that should have a lot of emotion behind it, but I don't find that to be true here. It's all actions and telling from the narrator's point of view. This reduces the poem down to a lot of "I felt..." statements that sound overly weepy. As such, I think this is much too long. Go through and pull out the five or six lines that get to the heart of the story you're showing, and see what you can do with them.

Also, beginning and ending with the turnaround of "Mathew, please don't leave me" and "Mathew,now I know you haven't left me" is overly obvious. But I also don't see any reason for the change. What in the course of the poem made the girl realize that Mathew hasn't left her? If it's lines like these:

Mathew, please don't leave me
But then I realize you'll always be here
In my heart

then that doesn't do much. There seem to be no reason for them, other than the fact that this is what always seems to happen when a person is remembering someone they lost, but there's nothing original here.

One word: Beautiful

This was a very touching poem.
There might be too many Mathew please don't leave me s though.
But I don't know it might just make the poem.


These are my favorite lines :


I sit here beside your grave still
It has been four years since the accident
And forever I will hold your hand
Forever will I think of you
Forever will I love you


( Love the repetition of forever)

This is lovely. You channeled your emotions well, and the flow is very good. I'd change:
"When I saw you I got butterflies
When I wasn't around you I felt like I was not whole"
as these lines are cliche.

I love the detail in;
"I miss your hand in mine
But sometimes I can still feel your touch
I miss the way we played tag in the spring
And the way we would jump in the leaves during fall"

"I still go to the park on Sunday
Waiting for you to pick me up."

I'd try reading it aloud so you can iron out the minor flaws in rhythm. I liked the repetition of "Matthew, please don't leave me," as I think it added to the desperation, adn began to add a note of hysteria, which worked very well with the poem.

I'd add punctaution. Again, if you read this aloud you'll get a sense of where commas and full stops should go.

Hope this helps. Keep writing.
Jas

I believe that all a poem needs to be moving is one good line, one line thats just filled with feeling.

"Matthew, please don't leave me"


That's one of those lines.

I believe that all a poem needs to be moving is one good line, one line thats just filled with feeling.

Sadly for those of us in the business of writing and critiquing poetry, things are not really so simple.

If emotion is what you're looking for in your poetry, then by all means try to infuse your lines with whatever emotion you are attempting to transmit to your readers. What emotion cannot do, however, is raise a technically bad poem to something more than the sum of its parts: people naively like to believe that it can, but it is not so. A poem built around emotions still needs a good appreciation of poetic technique and convention, or it is simply an emotionally-charged morass.

This poem is something of a morass. Chief among its sins is a lack of punctuation, which turns it into one huge, gasping run-on sentence. You have to realise that line-breaks don't mean a natural pause in the poem, they just continue on without stopping: you need full-stops, commas, [semi-]colons and so on to stop this being just one insanely long sentence.

In addition to this, there's a problem with your imagery: it's all been used before. Lines like, "forever I will hold your hand" or "your name makes me cry" or "I can still feel your touch" have been used in love/loss poems so many times that they're threadbare at the knees. We've seen poems that use these images time and time again, and so they don't really do anything for us as readers. If you're honestly trying to contribute to the institute of poetry, you're going to have to come up with images the express your emotions and ideas in different ways - people essentially feel the same emotions, and if you're unable to let new chinks of light onto the subject, you need to rethink your approach.

Yes, your poem has the raw emotion to touch people, but as poetry it's simply not enough: it needs technique and it needs originality. Good luck in your search for them, I hope we see more of you!