Legion

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What was it like when you could fly? What was it like when you were a little kid and could lose your self in a world of powers?

What if you really had those powers, if you could really fly and shot energy beams? How would you balance two lives? Would you be free, or burdened? And most of all, what if one of your friends went missing? Would you risk your life?

That's the premise of my novel, about a group of teenagers who can do extrodiary things. No, it's not a novelized comic book. One character is heptophobic, two are runaways, a fourth isn't sure if she wants to do this anymore.

The first attachment is just a roll call of the characters. From there the others are in approximately three chapter increments. I know it's long, so you don't have to read it all (though I'd appreciate it) but if you want to know the main idea the first three chapters are a must.

P.S. Because of technical stuff I'm posting the roll call here until I can figure a way to put more than one attachment per post on here. (If yopu know how, PM me)

Roll Call (hero-power)

Ultra- superstrength, flight laser vision

Sonic- Superspeed

Bit- mechanical warsuit, technobit (can "hear" machines)

Flamer- flight, controls and produces fire.

Enchantress- Level 4 soceress

Talon- Flight (wings) energy beams

Skylark- communicates with animals, flight, unbreakable sword
Attachments
Legion Chapters 1-3.doc
(62.5 KiB) Downloaded 95 times




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Hey, just so you know, I just downloaded your story and I'm about to read it. It sounds very interesting. Although I've seen this plot many times before...
And of course, we both know what I'm about to request. If you could be so utterly kind, feast your eyes upon my story.
Unrevised.
Unedited.
Roughly Five Thousand Words.
You'll breeze through it in no time.
As I will with this. Toodles until I'm finished!
Got YWS?




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I would critique this better if I had more time. You used to many comments and everything was pretty convienient, if you ask me. Somebody saves someone else's life, and they go "Thanks, but you could have done a better job."

I have to admit your vocabulary was spectacular. Through-out the story you had a very clear image in your mind of what was happening. Your dialogue lacked detail, though. There are others words you CAN use besides "said."

It was a bit stereotypical - the plot - but you did make it your own. If you edit it a bit more the story will be even better.

~*Sara*~
Attachments
Legion_Chapters_1-3 - DONE.doc
(80 KiB) Downloaded 113 times
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hmm... sara is right, story does seem kinda cliche. other than that, i'll have to get around to reading it. you should expect a critique from me soon ;)




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 9
ugh, sara beat me to the editing... :(
good job with that xD

besides that, the vocab is quite good. you kept a nice pace, and the tone of it was good. Overall spectacular job. but, your dialouge is kinda weak...

next

Ultra shot a laser hole through one. The beam from her eyes punctured one, then another and another, until she had eight skewered. They folded like a deck of cards, unmoving

in that sentence, u don't need the "laser" in "ultra shota laster hole through one."
since in the next sentence you say that the beam is from her eyes. keep it if u wish though.

good story, get more ideas that are not too often used, and get writing!

and yes i did write this and read that all in 6 minutes, so not the greatest critique. Pace in chapter 2 goes faster than the rest, by the way. Almost no dialouge in it either. But then again...GET WRITING!



The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
— Fabienne Fredrickson