Daybreak Save Me

I am tired,
Used to be wired.

Fallen in a dream,
So it seems.

I thought I was awake;
My conscience was telling me something fake.

Floating through a new dimension,
Lost in a world full of tension.

Nightmares infesting my mind
Is all that I seem to find.

Will I ever slumber in peace?
Sometimes it takes to long to cease.

Caught in the world of endless fear
But, something tells me, day is near.

Hm, not too bad. I like your idea, but I do think you need to make it tighter. The rhyming at the moment seems forced in some parts.

I am tired,
Used to be wired.

I like that, for instance. It's a bit quirky. But

Will I ever slumber in peace?
Sometimes it takes to long to cease.

doesn't really keep the rhythm and it's pretty forced. Either drop the rhyming or make sure you're being original with every line and not compromising flow because you need to make it rhyme.
Also, the couplets make it sound really choppy. Just try reading it aloud and you'll see if the flow works or not. You need to have a smooth transition between each stanza. Good job.

Good!
Liked the rhyming and all the verses, the idea and the concept of the poem.

I think that you should have continued after the last line. Maybe something like:

A light shines on my restless face,
But my body says no with no disgrace.

Wind plays with my battered hair,
But doesn't play fair.

My eyes flash open to a world that's new to me,
Bu they won't let me see what's around me.

A world of unknown secrets crashes all around,
And peoples faces whip to places, all without a sound.

I hope I can find my way out, or maybe give a shout,
So someone can hear my cry.

I don't wish to die here,
So I shall lay here and weep here, surrounded by my fear.

Something like that you know? Just so it has a good ending where there are no pieces left hanging.
Have fun and I'll see you around!
shanan-cat!

I like the sort of dazed and confused feeling I get from this poem. The only thing that bothered me slightly was the rhyming. I would suggest adding a line in between the two rhyming ones, but I understand that might be a little hard. You could also try a different format. I would do something like this:

I am tired,
Used to be
wired.

Fallen in a dream,
So it would
seem. and take out the 's' here...

I thought I was awake;
My conscience was telling me
something fake.

Floating through a new dimension,
Lost in a world
full of tension.

Nightmares infesting my mind
Is all that I seem
to find.

Will I ever slumber in peace?
Sometimes it takes to long
to cease.

Caught in the world of endless fear
But, something tells me,
day is near.

....I don't know... this might be completely off, and you would have to fix the punctuation. But you most certainly do not have to listen to me.

One more thing was that the rhyming did sound a bit forced in some parts, but I think the reason for this is that your rhymes are so close together. I'm also not sure what you mean by the line, 'used to be wired'.
Well, overall you have a good idea, a good feeling, and with a little fixing up, a great poem.

You have a very mystifying poem here and that's just great!

I struggled with the length and your structure though; it seemed to make it jump and skip all over the place. I think you should try and chunk someof your lines together in healthier portions to give the flow that little bit of extra "oomph".

Good work though.
Ginge.

Not bad at all. Normally I don't like couplets, but in this case it added a kind of frantic rhythm that added to the tense emotion. That was very good.

"I thought I was awake;
My conscience was telling me something fake."
These lines need a little something to make the rhythm work. Maybe make the first line a little longer. Maybe "I thought that I was awake"

I wouldn't capitalize every line like you did. I think it would be more affective if you only put capitals where they naturally fall, at the beginning of a new sentence.

"Sometimes it takes to long to cease." It should be 'too long'.

"Nightmares infesting my mind
Is all that I seem to find." It should be 'are all that I seem to find.'

Altogether, pretty good. Again, I liked the sort of hectic feel of it; it matched the words perfectly.


*adna*