Sixteen

I am still your little girl,
but I am growing older.

I know you don't want me to turn,
but if I don't grow I cant learn.
If I don't learn I wont survive.
Not surviving means I die

I am still your little girl,
but I am growing older.

Please let me be
yes, please just step back and watch me
and let me fall for who ever and what ever
or else I cant learn. Etcetera, Etcetera.

I liked this poem, it was interestingly crafted. Some points though:

I am still your little girl
but i am growing older
i am still your girl
but i am growing older

This stanza was too repetitive for me. It almost sounded like Lyrics. But lyrics don't really do well read aloud with no music, the repetitive lines that sounded interesting in the song are now just...repetitive lines. And also, to match the rest of the poem you might want to under case the beginning "I". I think it looks better but that's just me.

i know you don't want me to turn <<<<Turn? turn what? this line is vague, I know you're trying to rhyme but it sounds incredibly forced.
but if i don't grow i cant learn
if i don't learn i wont survive and
not surviving means i die <<<< DIE?!?! when I read that line it seemed kind of severe for the pace of the poem.

so please let me be
so please just step back and watch me
and let me fall for who ever and what ever
or else i cant learn etcetera, etcetera.

Ending with "etcetera, etcetera" made the ending flat, it's like you didn't really care what the ending was so you just kind of let it dwindle off.

Overall this poem had really great flow, it just needs to be tweaked to really show how nice of a poem it is. Keep Writing!

Good, but the poem seems like it was written a little rushed I am sorry, that is just what came to mind. It was good, the only thing I am not sure of is, the first stanza. It has two lines and then repeats its self, It seemes non-poetic, not repetitive. Now I see the reason for reapeating, but not the point. Other wise, I do like this poem.

Nice job.

However, I really must stress the need for capitalization and punctuation in this poem.

carolinewashere wrote:I am still your little girl
but I am growing older
I am still your girl
but I am growing older

I know you don't want me to turn
but if I don't grow i cant learn
if I don't learn i wont survive and
not surviving means I die

so please let me be
so please just step back and watch me
and let me fall for who ever and what ever
or else I can't learn etcetera, etcetera.

I don't mind the lack of punctuation at the end of the lines or whatever, but when you have missing apostrophes and uncapitalized 'I's, it begins to get really irritating and distracting.

Other than that, I did like it. The 'etcetera' at the end didn't make much sense and made the whole thing end of an apathetic note however. I'm not sure if that is the mood you are going for, but that is what I got out of it...

Anyway, nice job.

*thumbs up*

Good luck with your writing!

~GryphonFledgling

Hekate made some good points. I'll try not to repeat her. I'd cut the third and fourth lines of the first stanza and find something new to say as the repetition isn't needed. I'd capitalise your "i"s, and add a full stop at the end of the stanza, and after "older."

The flow was very good in the second stanza, but I'd cut the rhyme as it makes the poem sound a bit forced. Again, make the letter "i" capital, as you don't seem to have an important reason for not doing so, and use full stops.

"so please let me be
so please just step back and watch me."
is a bit cliche. Try using imagery. Show, don't tell, and suggest things instead of saying them outright.

I'm not sure about "fall for whatever" it sounds a bit odd. I agree about "etc, etc", it doesn't work, as it just sounds like you're not bothered finishing the poem, and that really doesn't work with the theme of teh poem.

Try looking at your theme from different angles, and read poetry. It will really help you. Your rhythm is very good throughout, but imagery would really add to this. Try not to reach for the available phrase, and experiment by not using rhyme. Good luck, and I hope this helps. Keep writing.

You had quite a few problems with your poem:
- None of your eyes were capitals
- Your poem repeated itself wich isn't very practical and won't help your poem
- Didn't make much sense to me, and was sort of pointless
- Had no good flow; should have put bigger words than just the minor ones


[quote] I am still your little girl
but i am growing older
i am still your girl
but i am growing older

These aren't very good opening stanzas. In the opening of a poem, you should always have your best lines, then try and keep it like that, okay?
I think that you should edit it then you can PM me and I can review it again hoping that it will be much better.
Keep it up!
shanan-cat!

Hi! Now, on to the critique!

First off, please capitalize all your 'i's!

I am still your little girl,
but i am growing older.
i am still your girl,
but i am growing older.

i know you don't want me to turn, Uh... turn what... older?
but if i don't grow i can't learn,
if i don't learn i wont survive and I think 'and' should be part of the next line...
not surviving means i die seems a little obvious...

so please let me be,
so please just step back and watch me,
and let me fall for who ever and what ever,
or else i can't learn etcetera, etcetera. I would take out the etceteras.

Overall, I think I like it. But you do need to add punctuation to make it flow better, and clarify a few parts. You could use some metaphors/similes/ as well. Show, not tell...
Good title though. Good luck editing if you do! I will certainly come back to read the finalized copy!

I liked the poem. A little repetitive in the beginning, but other than that I liked it.

I agree with what everyone else has said about the repetitive frist stanza and at the very end the etceteras make it seem like you don't care how you end it.

I like the idea you have here.

I feel repetitive when I write this but...

the first stanza was repetitive.

I liked the poem and the idea of the poem!


Keep writing,

risa

I am still your little girl
but i am growing older
i am still your girl
but i am growing older - Nice repetion.

i know you don't want me to turn
but if i don't grow i cant learn
if i don't learn i wont survive and
not surviving means i die - nice logic

so please let me be
so please just step back and watch me
and let me fall for who ever and what ever
or else i cant learn etcetera, etcetera.

Wow. I liked the rhyming. I do wish you did capatalize some things tho, make this poem more professional. It was very sensical, a parent not wanting their child to grow up and take on the world. Its nice to see a teenage point of view. Good job with this poem. Try punctuating and capatalizing next time - it will make the poem more enjoyable.
KEEP WRITING!

I like the growing apart feel of it. It a good comming of age poem.