No Tears, No Pain

No Tears, No Pain

The tinted blue window held his reflection on the oppisite side of the glass, opposed to the countless back stabbers on the other side. When it rolled down he ducked and dodged their hatred looks at his shrinking image. Sadly it was not enough to keep out the transparent gazing in his direction, and the gritting frustration that passed through his skin. He quickly rolled it back up and fought back tears as he neared the hospital. The rain was beating rapidly on the card door, when he opened it and leaped from it's concealing. The by passers, striding passed him only gave a shameful glare and continued on to their venture inside the building, or out.

When he passed through the revolving door it bacame real on the other side. It was warm and comfortable, the atmosphere was strong and dependent. But when he turned towards the front desk they only pointed down the hallway to their left and starred back hatefully. He turned away with sadness and went down the wing. He knew somehow where his boyfriend lay, somewhere at the end of the hall where the nurses would forget to bring him dinner and doctors would deny his requests.

The only thing he didn't know, was the state he was in. The last time he had seen him, his face was blood covered and limbs were bent in wrong directions, ones he had never seen move in such a direction of pain before. He caresed the door handle and slipped inside to view his sleeping love. He looked peaceful in the reflection of the dark blue light coming from the clear window shades. His face was cleaned and soft, and he had several casts placed on his body in variuos places where bones were broken and limits were passed.

He neared the bed and layed a hand over his cool forehead, his hair was almost reaching the bottom of his eyelids now. He brushed it aside, and took his hand back. When he pulled away, his body shifted to a chair and he squirmed down into it, looking back at the bed.

"Im sorry." He began, with hardly any tone. "Im sorry i didn't stop them, that i wasn't there to save you... Im sorry for the hatred of this world that seems we will never overcome. Im sorry for the pain you and i have to indure for loving, and the shame we have to be passed with, while not being able to proclaime eachother as one. Im sorry for the bones you have now broken and the heart you have torn. But most of all, i am sorry the last thing you will hear is the dirt covering your grave, six feet under the dead grass. As im sure you've heared by now... you're considered almost to the end of your rope. All i can say is im sorry... and i will never forgive scociety for doing this to you... and me. Good-bye."

With that he stood up and waltzed to the door. He turned back for one final look at his love, then continued his exit. Seconds later, the sound of a slowing heart moniter, then a long solid beep was all that could be heared from the empty room.


--------------------
This is one of my most treasured short stories i have written, people i give it to tend to love it, but please give me an honest opinion.

-Travis

I liked it.

The rain was beating rapidly on the card door, when he opened it and leaped from it's concealing. The by passers, striding passed him only gave a shameful glare and continued on to their venture inside the building, or out.

This should be a new paragraph i think.

He looked peaceful in the reflection of the dark blue light coming from the clear window shades. His face was cleaned and soft, and he had several casts placed on his body in variuos places where bones were broken and limits were passed.

Same for this one. Besides that, I really loved it. Good job. Keep up the good work.

OMG!!! It's soo beautiful. I feel like crying. It's so sad! It's reallly good though!

Just one thing

bacame

Just a little typo. I thought I might point that out so you can change it. Anyway, this is sooo good!

~Lollipop~

I like it. The only problem was that it didn't seem to be too original. When the boy is talking at the end, it gets a bit obvious. Try and leave a bit to the imagination. However, I really enjoyed it. You expressed the emotions brilliantly and the first paragraph was really grabbing. Good work.

"As im sure you've heared by now... you're considered almost to the end of your rope. "

Maybe you should just take out this whole part. It was a bit blunt, compared to everything else in the story.

"All i can say is im sorry... and i will never forgive scociety for doing this to you... and me. Good-bye." "

This was good, except the "good-bye" kind of destroyed the impact of the sentence before that.

This was really awesome, despite the numerous spelling errors.

Wow, this is such a good story. Really sad. I do agree with the last paragraph being a bit too blunt, and a bit too wordy, but other than that I think it is an important story to read, because it points to one of the many faults of society--people against homosexuality. I don't understand why they are. There is nothing wrong with it.

First of all, good story... I liked it. Here are a few nitpicks. Your paragraphs were difficult for me to read. I would cut them in half if you could and it would make it easier. Here we go on your story. I am going to go through and edit it, changes will be in bold.

No Tears, No Pain

The tinted blue window held his reflection on the opposite side of the glass, opposed to the countless backstabbers on the other side. When it rolled down, he ducked and dodged their looks of hatred at his shrinking image. Sadly, it was not enough to keep out the transparent gazes in his direction, and the gritting frustration that passed through his skin. He quickly rolled it back up and fought back tears as he neared the hospital. The rain was beating rapidly on the car door [no comma] when he opened it and leaptfrom it's concealment. The bypassers[no comma] striding past him gave only a shameful glare and continued onto their ventures inside and outside of the building.

When he passed through the revolving door, it became real on the other side. It was warm and comfortable, the atmosphere was strong and dependent. But when he turned towards the front desk, they only pointed down the hallway to their left and stared back hatefully. He turned away with sadness and went down the wing. He knew somehow where his boyfriend lay, somewhere at the end of the hall where the nurses would forget to bring him dinner and doctors would deny his requests.

The only thing he didn't know [no comma] was the state he was in. The last time he had seen him, his face was covered with blood and his limbs were bent in wrong directions, ones he had never seen move in such a direction of pain before. He caresed the door handle and slipped inside to view his sleeping love. He looked peaceful in the reflection of the dark blue light coming from the clear window shades. His face was cleaned and soft, and he had several casts placed on his body in variuos places where bones were broken and limits were passed.

He neared the bed and layed a hand over his cool forehead. The boys' hair was almost reaching the bottom of his eyelids. [no now] He brushed it aside, and took his hand back. When he pulled away, his body shifted to a chair and he squirmed down into it, looking back at the bed.

"I'm sorry," he began, with hardly any tone in his voice. "I'm sorry I didn't stop them, that I wasn't there to save you... I'm sorry for the hatred of this world which it seems we will never overcome. I'm sorry for the pain you and I have to endure for loving, and the shame we have to be passed with [no comma] while not being able to proclaim each other as one. I'm sorry for the bones you have now broken and the heart you have torn. But most of all, I am sorry the last thing you will hear is the dirt covering your grave, six feet under the dead grass. As I'm sure you've heard by now... you're considered to be at almost to the end of your rope. All I can say is that I'm sorry... and that I will never forgive society for doing this to you... and me. Good-bye."

With that, he stood up and waltzed [that sounds happy...maybe dragged himself or something else] to the door. He turned back for one final look at his love, and then continued his exit. Seconds later, the sound of a slowing heart moniter and then a long solid beep was all that could be heard from the empty room.


Okay. Good job. Emotional, dealing with an issue facing society. Somewhat predictable, but that's to be expected with this topic. It was also quite blunt and I would take others suggestions on that point. When you were saying he and his, I didn't really know who you were talking about. It was kind of confusing, so you might want to change that. Here's just one example:

When he pulled away, his body shifted to a chair and he squirmed down into it, looking back at the bed.

He and his and he all confused me.

Anyway, it was quite nice, I changed a few words around and did quite a bit of grammar editing. If you have questions or need help changing the he and his thing, let me know.. You can PM me if I don't respond here. Excellent. Keep writing!

Wow....all I can say is wow. I liked it. I know that isn't much but...wow.

I don't want to repeat what's already been said, so I've got two points to make about this. First is that you didn't get all the corrections nicklepickle pointed out, which made it a little annoying to read. Second is that there didn't seem to be any good reason for not giving the character a name. It's a fine thing to experiment with, but works perhaps 5% of the time when people try it. In this case, I don't think it really worked.

Just a few grammar/spelling corrections here


The tinted blue window held his reflection on the oppisite side of the glass, opposed to the countless back stabbers on the other side. When it rolled down he ducked and dodged their hatred looks at his shrinking image. Sadly it was not enough to keep out the transparent gazing in his direction, and the gritting frustration that passed through his skin. He quickly rolled it back up and fought back tears as he neared the hospital. The rain was beating rapidly on the card door, when he opened it and leaped from it's concealing. The by passers, striding passed him only gave a shameful glare and continued on to their venture inside the building, or out.

When he passed through the revolving door it bacame real on the other side. It was warm and comfortable, the atmosphere was strong and dependent. But when he turned towards the front desk they only pointed down the hallway to their left and starred back hatefully. He turned away with sadness and went down the wing. He knew somehow where his boyfriend lay, somewhere at the end of the hall where the nurses would forget to bring him dinner and doctors would deny his requests.

The only thing he didn't know, was the state he was in. The last time he had seen him, his face was blood covered and limbs were bent in wrong directions, ones he had never seen move in such a direction of pain before. He caresed the door handle and slipped inside to view his sleeping love. He looked peaceful in the reflection of the dark blue light coming from the clear window shades. His face was cleaned and soft, and he had several casts placed on his body in variuos places where bones were broken and limits were passed.

He neared the bed and layed a hand over his cool forehead, his hair was almost reaching the bottom of his eyelids now. He brushed it aside, and took his hand back. When he pulled away, his body shifted to a chair and he squirmed down into it, looking back at the bed.

"Im sorry." He began, with hardly any tone. "Im sorry i didn't stop them, that i wasn't there to save you... Im sorry for the hatred of this world that seems we will never overcome. Im sorry for the pain you and i have to indure for loving, and the shame we have to be passed with, while not being able to proclaime eachother as one. Im sorry for the bones you have now broken and the heart you have torn. But most of all, i am sorry the last thing you will hear is the dirt covering your grave, six feet under the dead grass. As im sure you've heared by now... you're considered almost to the end of your rope. All i can say is im sorry... and i will never forgive scociety for doing this to you... and me. Good-bye."

With that he stood up and waltzed to the door. He turned back for one final look at his love, then continued his exit. Seconds later, the sound of a slowing heart moniter, then a long solid beep was all that could be heared from the empty room.

Comment:

Well done! This captures my attention from line one. I really liked the way that you make the reader ask questions about this situation. It is a bit of a mystery when I think about what might be going on. The only thing I question is the "waltzing" thing at the end. The last paragraph reminds me of an over-dramatic script for a play. Other than that, I think this has great potential

Janice

this is a really incredible story but i believe that at the end you need to leave alittle bit more to the imagination, like its pretty obvious that he dies without saying goodbye..
but its a really nice short story.