The book

The Box

The only sound was my padding feet and the gentle crashing of the waves as I explored the mysterious beach. The fog layered the air like a thin blanket and filled it with a moist, damp feeling. As I turned to look at the beautiful dark blue water, I noticed that the white caps on the waves reminded me of wild horses galloping, their manes flying in the breeze, this place was different from all the other beaches I had visited. It had a strange, majestic feeling to it. I tore my eyes away from the galloping waves and continued down the seashore.

As I neared the end of the beach, a huge cliff came into view. It was enormous, with long green vines dangling over the edge. I was about to walk closer to it, when I heard a rough grating sound behind me.

I froze, I didn't know what it was and most certainly did not want to find out, but eventuly, curiosity got the better of me, and I slowly turned around.

A wooden box stood alone on the pebbles, the waves lapping on its sides. I walked towards it and knelt down in front of it. It was very old and its once silver hinges had turned rusty and mossy. The box must have been made from very strong wood because it had only dented in a few places. It looked almost ancient. Quickly I checked to see if it had a lock, it didn't. I reached out and opened the box.

With a creak I forced it open, a sound similar to a sigh escaped from it, like the box had been holding in its breath and had not let it out for a long time. Shakily I reached my hand into the eerie darkness of the box and groped around. My hand touched something that felt like alligator skin. I snatched my hand out of it and angled the box towards the sunlight. I looked down and saw a single book lying in a sunbeam.

I stared down at the book. It was definitely not an ordinary one. Its cover was a scaly skin of some kind, and had a silver lock. It had strange gold markings on the front and below them and a single emerald sat surrounded by a circle of diamonds. Awed, I touched the emerald. The whole book glowed dully and the lock clicked open. I hesitated at first, but then shoved my fears behind me and opened the book.

It was gorgeous and looked like a journal of some kind. On the first yellowed page there was thin spidery handwriting and a watercolour painting of some great winged creature flying, —a dragon. I looked closer, fascinated, and touched the painting gently, a sudden shock passed through my hand. I snatched it away in suppirse. Then suddenly, the painting started to move. The huge painted dragon was flapping its great red wings, its muscles rippling and its tail swishing from side to side. Then, as suddenly as it had come to life it turned back into a faded watercolour painting.

I turned the page and eagerly touched the next picture, which was of two dragons. But instead of coming to life on the paper like the last one did, the paint seemed to shatter in mid air, and the two dragons spiraled up, almost entwined with each-other, then dived back into the page.

I closed the book. I felt absolutely enchanted. I wonder if I should tell my parents. I don't think I will. It's going to be my secret forever.

how can I improve this??

Hmm...Interesting. First off, you might want to edit your post and hit enter or return between each paragraph. This will make it easier for everyone to read. Let's see...You use a lot of passive voice, which is easy to do in a piece like this that is mostly description. Try to replaces some of your "was"s with more active verbs. Also, just about every sentence is a simple sentence. This gives the whole passage a sort of choppy feel, like a five year old speaking. Try a few commas and semi colons (;), and vary your sentence structure more.

Other than that, good job. You've painted some good pictures, but it's hard to focus on them when I'm distracted by choppy pace.

hey all!
I edited this story so HOPEFULY I made it better! Its not my best but hey!, everyone has their days
Thanx for reading!
inkling

It still needs some more spacing out. Every time you would hit tab, leave a space between the paragraphs instead. it's still pretty awkward to read. And you should have posted some reviews before posting this story. The general rule is that you should do at least two reviews for every piece of writing you post. They don't have to be huge reviews. Even quick, but useful to the author, are fine.

And the "Did you like this?" type of poll is really discouraged. Polls of any kind in this section are. I once did one that asked if people believe in fairies when I wrote a piece on fairies, but that's the only kind you can get away with.

Hm, interesting story. I liked it.

I noticed that the white caps on the waves reminded me of wild horses galloping, their manes flying in the breeze,

I like this description. It just sounds cool.

I gasped, it looked like a journal of some kind.

Is the fact that its a journal really surprise him enough to gasp? That's a tad extreme in my opinion. Also, I think there should be a period after 'gasped' and not a comma.

...a watercolour painting of some great winged creature flying, —a dragon!...
...Then Suddenly ,the painting started to move!...

Just so you know, if you're writing a story never use exclamation points unless its involved in a dialog. It's a little corny.

The idea you have here is pretty cool. Of course, the name of story implied that the box had more significants to it. Although, the name would, in my opinion, attract more of an audiences than something like, "The Book."
An way, good job.

I'm so evil I know, I found the last of the mistakes. Ya know I love ya, lol!

I froze , I didn't know what it was and most certainly did not want to find out, but eventuly, curiosity got the better of me, and I slowly turned around.

There shouldn't be a space between "froze" and that comma.

Quickly I checked to see if it had a lock,it didn't.

Needs to be a space between the comma and "it".

It had strange gold markings on the front and below them, a single emerald sat, surrounded by a circle of diamonds

Take away the first comma and put "and" before "a" then take away the second comma completely.

Awed I touched the emerald,

I think your fingers didn't like you on this one. Put a comma after "Awed" and then you might want to change that comma into a period.

it was gorgeous and looked like a journal of some kind.

Gah! You need to capatalize the "i" in "it".

I looked closer, fascinated, and touched the painting gently , a sudden shock passed through my hand.

No space between "gently" and that comma please.

Then Suddenly ,the painting started to move.

Take away the capped "s" in "suddenly" and fix the spacing issue.

Then ,as suddenly as it had come to life it turned back into a faded watercolour painting.

spacing issue


I really liked this piece. You seem to be able to create enchanting pieces that draw people in and leave them wanting for more and wondering what happened. It's a great talent. Keep it up.

This is a nice, imaginative piece! There were a few mistakes which I think the other posters ( ) did not address.
-Eventually is spelled with an a after the u and two l's.

-This sentence, 'As I turned to look at the beautiful dark blue water, I noticed that the white caps on the waves reminded me of wild horses galloping, their manes flying in the breeze, this place was different from all the other beaches I had visited.' needs a bit of working on. Some suggestions: Put a period after 'flying in the breeze' and make rest a whole other sentence. There isn't really any need to say that the character noticed something, if you're going to say that it reminded them of something. Or you could say something like,
'Turning to look at the beautiful dark water, I noticed the white caps on the waves. They reminded me of wild horses galloping, their manes flying in the breeze. This place was different from all the other beaches I had visited.'

As for the positive things about your piece - it has a lot of good imagery, and really helps the reader to be able to visualize the setting and what is going on. The emotion is well placed (except for where you used 'gasped') and grips the reader's attention.