The land of milk and honey

The plans, the talk behind hands,
The packing, the arrangements,
The goodbyes, the tears,
We're going to the land of milk and honey,
Everything will be fine.
We will have money,
I'm nervous, but I know we will be safe,
The land of knights and castles,
It rains and it pours,
Why do people stare?
Everyone is different,
They don't like us.
I hate my new school, they don't speak my language,
Did I mention that they stare?
A knock on the door,
Father is gone.
Me and Mother and Arankia,
We are left alone.
I am hungry,
I am cold,
I am frightened,
We are in the land of milk and honey.
Everything will be fine.

i thought that the beginning was pretty good, but towards then end your thoughts seemed to be jumping around and you just wrote what ever you could down. I don't think the end flows very well and its kind of hard to fallow. But i do like it.

I'm new here so i only have one thing posted. but if you wanted to critique that it would be cool. thanks

It good but space out your thoughts into stanzas. It looks more organized

It was ok, a little confusing and a bit too repetitive (why did you have to say "did I mention people stare"? It didn't add anything to the poem). It could use a lot of work though, in the word choices and the organization.

The phrase 'I hate my new school' jumped out at me as an extremely modern-sounding line in a poem that was anything but. It didn't fit. In fact that whole line, I think, cuts into the flow of the poem, maybe too long a line.

I would mention the staring twice, but I do like the 'did I mention people stare' so maybe replace 'Why do people stare' with that line.

If you're going to put the 'Me and mother and Arankia' in, and the comma after Arankia, I'd take out 'We' in the next line. Just make it 'are left alone'.

Do you change who the 'I' represents in this? Because the way you put the line 'I am nervous but I know we will be safe' makes it sound like it's from the Father's POV, or that he's speaking. If it's his POV, you have a problem because you switch,and it doesn't make sense that way. If not, I think you need to change something so that people don't get that impression.

"Everyone is different,
They don't like us."
These lines are too much just telling. Put in some imagery, give an example, something. They're completely emotionless. Right now, these lines don't make me care. I need to care, or they're worthless and should be cut out.

I really like the first four lines, and the 'land of castles and knights.'
You have good ideas, it's just rough right now.

Keep writing!


*adna*

Agree Adna. I applaud Eimear for trying to show us something unusual and perhaps deliberately more mundane, but the odd image here and there could help us readers focus our thoughts better and care for the speaker.

I liked the 'stare' echo but I prefer to put it at the beginning and end to give a unity to the poem. (See "Park" for a good example.)

This poem also needs some work on shape. It does feel like a stream of consciousness thing - disjointed thoughts all coming out in one stanza - but that's what it is: disjointed. Put some connectives in, break the stanza up, I don't know. Do something, dear.

Yes, there was a lot of telling as others have pointed out, but with a bit of reworking this should become much more of a worthy read.

Good attempt. 6/10

A very poignant poem indeed. It left a lot of room for interpretation - i took the thought of the Irish immigrants in the 19th century immigrating to the Americas. The line "i hate my new school" did indeed sound modern, but it is very American which galvanized by thought pattern. for the Irish in the Americas were not well received and often persecuted.

The beginning has a very steady, definite rhythm and yes as some have noted, it seems to fall apart. I personally do not have a problem with this, i think you did this deliberately. It seems to represent the optimism and structure as they left for "the land of milk and honey" and as the problems creep in, so does the disjointed nature of the poem. Very VERY clever.

from me an 8/10. Thank you very much for something incredibly thoughtful and different.