Sounds like a solid prelude there man. Definately makes me wanna find out how this goes. Cant see anything wrong with it all so i'm just telling you that it was good.
Keep up the great work.
Gone, gone from New York City,
where you gonna go with a head that empty?
Gone, gone from New York City,
where you gonna go with a heart that gone?
i think the guy came across as arrogant, like he thinks he is above everyone else. so maybe you meant to write about a character who is a bit of pretentious asshole, in which case well done. but for me, i wouldn't read anymore because it's hard to read a story where the main character is unlikeable, unless the character is particularly compelling.
Well done. Not my particular cup of tea, but that is just me. I might, perhaps, read the sequal, for this has rather... intrigued me on a side I wish to restrain... but nonetheless my young lad. Keep up the good work.
What man may proclaim himself man if he has not yet made the world better?
I like it, but I agree that the main character seems very arrogant, and that can get annoying to read about after a while. If he changes and fleshes-out a bit after the prelude, that's good. You switched from past to present tense a bit...fix that up and you've got a solid beginning.
Besides the fact that there's not sex in it which I like that there isn't, it was very well written. Your character did seem to think he was above everyone else but I knew that's how he was supposed to be because he's a guy although he is annoying and arrogant in some parts which almost made me stop reading since I think he's a little older than you're making him out to be. You did switch a little in tenses but I think that was already caught. The only thing I would change is the American Dream part. Since that's not exactly the "American Dream" for everyone.
Very good beginning makes me want to read more, especially that last sentence, it has my brain wondering about his "freedom" and I assume that he will be getting a really awesome gal, so I can't wait.
forgiving is not forgetting
its letting go of the hurt.
I found the story to be a little confusing. First, I thought the main character was a woman and then I thought she was a lesbian so when I found out it was a guy I was quite shocked. THe story didn't pull me into it. However I enjoyed your humor. And although I didn't like the main character I felt the same contempt he felt for the guy he was hanging out with. So in that respect it was good.
hmmm, I like the story. I like it a lot. The reason for this is because he seems arrogant. When a lot of people write - myself included - they don't really give their character a flaw or anything along those lines. You did. You described your charcater perfectly and I could really relate with him. He sees the fake people and as much as he hates them, hangs around them. Isn't that so true. Then you described the overweight guy and how he describes that. Again, that's so true. You didn't sugar coat anything and I loved that. PM me when you write more.
~Tiger
Hermione, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor. You know, for the brightest witch of your age you can sure be a dumba** sometimes. *smiles* 10 points to Dumbledore!
okay so its like a really long time since i reviewed anything but here goes hope i haven't gone rusty.
-first of all i'm sorry to say but this story was just too short and to me it seemed like you were trying to rush this whole thing out
-secondly, i liked the fact that without actually saying what the character is like, you gave an atmosphere of arrogance which people actually felt when they read the story.
- it would be better if you gave a little more description about the surroundings and whatever you did describe espcially the friend was just confusing.
thts all i gota say. but since its your first ever romantic story i have to give you credit. it is much better than what i wrote.
keep writing
buddy
## My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations ##
