Clouded care

Clouded Care
By:
BL

As I watch the clouds above I wonder,
Why can’t I?
I am the one that can strive above the rest,
So why can’t I fly above the people in their nest?
Feeling the freedom flowing through my veins,
I can sense your pain erupting because you’re insane.
You have your thoughts regarded they are looked over or thought out.
We need to be cared for one way in love or fought out.
Mortals come and go,
With a mark on this world or not we’ll never know.
Heaven may be our goal to go,
But without a dream we may as well die in sorrow.
Now as we watch the clouds above,
Wonder,
What will I do as I go?

Hey, I haven't seen you around YWS, so let me be the first to say Welcome!

Around here however, you'll need to keep a 2 to 1 ratio with reviews to posts. Translation: for every piece you post, you need to review at least 2 pieces yourself. It would benefit you to read the rules.

Anyway, on to the critique!

As I watch the clouds above I wonder,
Why can’t I? I know you're trying to allude to "Why can't I fly with them?", but you might want to make that a little more clear
I am the one that can strive above the rest,
So why can’t I fly above the people in their nest?
Feeling the freedom flowing through my veins,
I can sense your pain erupting because you’re insane. This doesn't really make sense....what does being insane have to do with anything else? I get the feeling this is a case of forced rhyme...
You have your thoughts regarded they are looked over or thought out. All I can say is.......what?? I kinda get what you're trying to say I think, but it's really vague and awkward. This needs fixing
We need to be cared for one way in love or fought out. This doesn't make sense either. This couplet in general just either needs to be reworded or taken out entirely
Mortals come and go,
With a mark on this world or not we’ll never know.
Heaven may be our goal to go, "goal to go" just sounds wrong to my ears...i dunno, it's just awkward
But without a dream we may as well die in sorrow.
Now as we watch the clouds above,
Wonder,
What will I do as I go?

Considering your age, I'm guessing you're pretty new to poetry (I could be wrong, don't shoot please!) If this is one of your first tries at poetry, it's a pretty good start! You seem to know the basics at least, and you incorporated some nice ideas. If this isn't your first try, then it needs some work (well it needs work regardless....) The language is lacking. In order to really get your message across, poetry requires that you use a different kind of language, or that you experiment with words and see what you can make them say. It involves a bit broader vocabulary sometimes (although sometimes the most powerful poetry is the simplest, but that still requires a good understanding of how to use words to your advantage). Basically, you just need to take time and play around with language. See what you can make it do for you (I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!)

I'd have to say, however, that this poem's fatal flaw is the rhyming. Rhyming poetry is not all that hard to write, but it is really hard to write well. Rule number 1: When writing rhyming poetry it is very important that you do not compromise your message! The rhyming should add, never detract. Unfortunately, about 8 out of 10 rhyming poems you see around here are poorly executed, and until you have had some practice, I'd stick to non-rhyming poetry and learn how poetry works for you before you try and make it rhyme.

It's great to see a new face around here! Keep writing and good luck!

Welcome to YWS. I really like this as a starting poem. Keep up the good work, and I'm looking forward into checking out any future work you plan on doing.

-Rick