I'm going to tell you now, I have no idea how I came up with this because it is the dumbest thing I've ever thought of. It was the middle of the night, my mind was wandering, and I was tired. I was bored, so I thought, "Why not?"
The Proctologist’s Touch:
John Billings sat in the exam room, studying the information on his clipboard. It told of the man sitting uncomfortably in front of him. He was fidgeting nervously, but then again, who doesn’t when they’re about to get their prostate checked?
“Should we get started Mr. Lewis?” John asked, setting his clipboard aside.
Mr. Lewis jerked his head up and nodded nervously. He stood up and awaited instruction.
“This is your first time getting checked, right?” John asked with a smile as he went to put on his plastic glove.
“Uh, yes…. Can I ask you a question?”
“Ya, sure. What is it?” John said friendly as he put the lubrication onto the gloved pointer finger.
Mr. Lewis looked at it nervously. “Why would you chose to be a proctologist when there were so many other occupations to chose from?”
“My father said I had a knack for it.”
“What?” he exclaimed.
“I’m just kidding. There seemed to be a demand in this area, and I decided that someone had to do it. Now drop your trousers.”
Mr. Lewis nervously lowered his pants and readied himself, looking over his shoulder to be sure when it started.
“Ready?” John asked.
“I guess.”
“Alright then. Here we go.”
The moment he started the procedure, a bright light exploded from the entry point, blinding him. John cried out as he felt himself sucked forward. He met resistance and just barely squeezed through whatever it was.
He heard a loud pop as he was thrown onto something cold and wet. He struggled to stand up but slipped and fell twice before succeeding.
“Where the hell am I?” he asked he rubbed his eyes to get rid of the blindness.
John looked up through squinted eyes and couldn’t believe what he saw. He was standing in the middle of an evergreen forest that was heavily powdered with winter’s snow. Each tree stretched at least forty feet high, almost completely engulfing the sky. He looked to his right and saw a tall, old street lamp; the kind where you had to light it up every night with a flame. It was the most out of place thing he’d ever seen.
A loud scream came from his left, making him jump. “What in God’s name…” He looked towards the source and saw a man with the legs of a goat hiding behind a tree. He was shaking and staring at him fearfully, like John was a beast of some sort.
“What… are you?” John asked as he walked closer. The goat man, having found out he wasn’t about to be harmed, jumped out happily and began bouncing happily.
“I’m a faun, what are you?” the faun spoke extremely quick and was exceedingly perky.
“A human. Now tell me, where are…”
“A human? Really? I must go tell the White Witch.”
John tried to get him to stop, but he was already gone, jumping happily as he ran towards two intersecting mountains.
“What is wrong with this place?” he asked himself. Deciding it was pointless to stay here, he started walking to where the faun had gone. The White Witch didn’t sound friendly, but he had no where else to go.
As he made his way, he heard some female voice a few times yelling, “It’s a talking gopher!” Then it would be followed by a loud oomph and a yell. He had no clue what was going on.
He passed a group of people, and was about to ask them some questions, but he stopped and started backing away slowly when he saw it was some big guy dressed as Santa Claus giving little kids weapons. “I’ll make my own way,” he said as they asked him if he needed any help.
All the snow began to melt after that. John wasn’t sure why, but it was like a serious heat wave was coming. By midday all the snow was gone.
An hour or so later, he found himself in a large valley. It was very plain and nothing was happening. Then suddenly he heard yells from both sides of him. He saw two armies of mythical creatures rampaging at him like madmen. At the front of one army was a lion and a boy on a horse, where the other was led by a woman dressed in white.
“I hate this place!” he yelled as he tried to run out of the way.
In mid run he tripped over something and fell to the ground. He looked back and saw what it was. Mr. Lewis was lying on the ground, shocked to see him.
“What are you doing here?” John yelled.
“I don’t know!”
The armies were closing in now and were on the verge of trampling them. There was no way they’d make it out of the way in time.
Just when John was about to give up, he remembered how they’d gotten here. It was a stretch, but it was something to try.
“Drop your trousers and bend over!” John yelled to Mr. Lewis.
He looked at him as if he were crazy.
“Just do it!”
Still not understanding what was happening, he did as he was told.
The armies were close enough for the two men to describe them in detail. They had to hurry.
John quickly took his finger and started the procedure again.
The blinding light returned, and the same, squeezing feeling came as well. There was a loud pop as they appeared back in the exam room, scared out of their wits.
They looked at each other for a moment before stepping away from each other. They sat down and caught their breaths.
“Holy crap,” Mr. Lewis panted. “I’m never getting my prostate checked again.”
John smiled. “No need to. Your prostate is perfectly healthy. There’s just a screwed up world in there, but nothing to worry about I’m sure.”
The two of them laughed nervously.
John was the first to stand up. He threw away his glove and went back to his clipboard, filling out the paper on it.
“Well I guess it’s time to go.” Mr. Lewis said, standing up.
“Yes, it is. Here, I’ll get the door for you.”
John went to the door and opened it. A lion jumped on a desk and roared fiercely as a boy and a woman dressed in white fought with their swords. The other doctors were hiding behind desks, watching helplessly as important papers were thrown into the air. John didn’t know how, but they must have been close enough to be pulled to their world with them.
Mr. Lewis ran to the door and looked over John’s shoulder to see what it was.
“Mr. Lewis,” John gulped.
“Y-yes?”
“I’m going to have to ask you to bend over one more time.”
That was hilarious!!!