Somethings are just not meant to be

I can be as broken as you make me feel,
just pretend I'm not real.
I'll sit right next to you and hold your hand
I'll be there if you fall or stand.

I can't pretend that you aren't there,
I can't pretend I didn't care.
Some things were lost somethings were broken
sometime you have to live in the moment.

If I was yours, I'll always be
and I won't ever leave
somethings are just not meant to be.
somethings are you but you broke apart of me
and you took it all... from me

You can't say that I never tried.
You can't say that I never cried.
You can't even say you never lied.
Some part of you was always mine.

If I was yours, I will always be
and I won't ever leave.
Somethings are just not meant to be.
Somethings are you but you broke apart of me
and you took it all... from me... from me... from me...

Hi Max, I really liked this. I can see it being a song - would you perhaps consider re-vising it so it becomes a song?

sometime you have to live in the moment.

'Sometime' should have a s on the end of it. Flows better.

You can't even say you never lied.

The rhyme is OK up until this line, were it runs on. Consider re-phrasing so it fits the rest of the poem?

The last stanza is a bit weak, the repetition slightly odd, but I think it's fine as it is.

Overall this was very good and I'd love it in a song format.

Alainna
xx

hi max i really like this poem it really stood out to me keep up the good work!

liked your poem or song? thought it was a little love-y corny though.
besides that it was good
great job

This was a good poem.
I loved the emotion that came out of it.

This was pretty good, I liked it okay. It had good emotion, good rhyme scheme and rhythm.
All I have are just picky things.

First you say 'some things', and then when you say it later it's always 'somethings'. Is it supposed to be like that? Because I don't get it. I'd make them all the same.

"but you broke apart of me" Shouldn't it be 'a part of me'?


"If I was yours, I'll always be
and I won't ever leave
somethings are just not meant to be.
somethings are you but you broke apart of me
and you took it all... from me"

This verse needs more punctuation and capitals. I'd put a period after 'leave' and make the next 'something' capitalized. Also, the 'something' in the third line needs to be capitalized. I'd also put a comma after 'apart of me' and then a period after the last line. I would also get rid of the ellipses in the last line. It's completely unnecessary and detracts from the flow.
Apart from that verse the punctuation and capitalization was fine.


*adna*

Hello, October!

My overall comment on the poem: It's been done before, and you haven't done anything to make this one stand out. I had a hard time focusing on the rest of it, because I knew what the ending was going to be.

I think because you make the mistake of listing it? You listed how the character (henceforth, Nick) has hurt you and broken away and all that shiz. The impact of the poem is taken away by this.

My suggestion is to write a scene, or to put the format as to a letter, saying how much you hurt because of Nick, et cetera. It's the basic principle of writing -- show, and don't tell. Because at the moment, we have no sympathy for you, as the co-lead. Better yet, you could write a poem that starts out in a stanza where you're doing something fun, and the next stanza, he brings the angry news down on your head...

Ahem, yes. Angst. Key. Do remember that.

Alainna's caught all of the grammatical holes, so nothing to pick at, there.

The last stanza, as previously stated by no other than our awesome 'Lainna, is a little weak, and very navel-gazing. It's basically 'me, me, me!' through the entire thing, and I mean that literally.

So my suggestion is to ditch this and start again with a fresher subject, or a fresher viewpoint, in mind.

Cheers!
Sumi

I really, REALLY liked this. You write so well!

And there really isn't anything else for me to say since there is nothing I noticed to fix. Which is good!

Keep up the good work!

Meow. (Sorry, I meow sometimes.)

I like it. Although in my oppinion, rhyming is over-rated. I like the basic concept though. ^^;