Young Writers Society

[pre]I woke up that day knowing he was gone, knowing he had left. The man I loved, the man who was insanely beautiful, the man who said he'd follow me to the edge of the universe, the man who was not but a man at all. I had fallen in love with a vampire. He had warned me the night before that it was too dangerous for me if he stayed. No, I had told him, it doesnt matter to me Christopher. This was something I continued to repeat to him. I cant take that chance, love, he told me. We'd been discussing this for what seemed like hours. We had stayed silent for a long time. He had finnally turned to look deep into my eyes.
"Listen to me Beth," I obeyed silently "if they know I'm with you God knows what they'll do with you. I just cant take that chance."I had began shaking my head stubbornly, and then he held my head still and kissed my lightly. Thats when naturally I had fainted. I knew he had done this on purpose and I screamed a profanity in my head. The finally I woke up the next day, to find myself alone.[/pre]

Hey! I see that you are new here, so welcome to YWS! I'm Jared, or BBB, whatever. Since your new, have you happened to look at the rules? It's a rule here that you must critique 2 stories before you can post 1 of yours. Not that difficult, realy, but you'll get more critiques that way.

Now, for a critique:

This was too short. Could you post it in longer sections? Two paragraphs isn't nearly enough text to critique.

Right now though, I have to warn you: DO NOT COPY TWILIGHT NO MATTER WHAT!

Sorry for the caps.

There have been so many people that thought they could write a vampire romance. They post it here and everyone says one word: cliche.

Cliche means that it's been done a million and four times. Vampires are awesome, I'll admit. I write a vampire/werewolf novel. They're excellent to write with. I'm just saying that right now, this sounds just like Twilight.

If you haven't read the book, and you made this up all on your own, I'd be surprised!

So, all in all, post in longer sections, critique, critique, and critique, and at last, don't copy Twilight. Please?

BBB

Edit: BBB beat me to it! Sorry if I repeat anything.

Welcome to YWS! ^_^

Before I get started, I should wanr you there is a 2:1 rule. For every 1 story/poem you put up, you need to review 2 works by someone else. People might bug you about it if you don't, so I'd recommend you go off and do 2 reviews right now!

Okay, I didn't see any grammar issues, but this may have been because I was distracted by a voice in my head screaming: TWILIGHT!

I love vampires, so I will forgive you. But here's a few reasons why your story sounds a bit (maybe even very) less than original. It's not a bad thing--if you have read Twilight then maybe you don't even realize you're inspiring yourself (I do this sometimes and smack myself in the head and scramble for a new idea), and if you haven't then consider this a heads up because people will think you have.

1. She faints when he kisses her. Don't know if you've read twilight, but that's exactly what Bella does.
2. Bella, Beth. Same letters, thus sounds similar.
3. He leaves her to keep her safe. Though in New Moon that's not what he lets her think, his reasons are the same.

However, I think it's mostly the kissing thing that did it for me. Him leaving to keep her safe makes sense, and it can't be helped if her name is Beth. You might want to think about it. Maybe he uses his vampire powers to make he fall asleep? (Do vamps in your world have powers?)

Now, on with the crit.

I woke up that day knowing he was gone, knowing he had left. The man I loved, the man who was insanely beautiful, the man who said he'd follow me to the edge of the universe, the man who was not but a man at all[I think you mean 'the man who was not a man at all']. I had fallen in love with a vampire. He had warned me the night before that it was too dangerous for me if he stayed. No, I had told him, it doesnt matter to me Christopher. This was something I continued to repeat to him. I cant take that chance, love, he told me. We'd been discussing this for what seemed like hours. We had stayed silent for a long time. He had finally[just one n] turned to look deep into my eyes. "Listen to me Beth," I obeyed silently "if they know I'm with you,[comma] God knows what they'll do with you. I just can't[you were missing the ' in can't] take that chance."[space here]I had began[I think this should be 'begun', or started, if you'd like.] shaking my head stubbornly, and then he held my head still and kissed my lightly. That's[missing the ' again] when naturally I had fainted.[b][I think you either mean: 'That when, naturally, I had fainted'] I knew he had done this on purpose and I screamed a profanity in my head. The finally I woke up the next day, to find myself alone.[b][I don't think you need this line, since you started saying the same thing. ^_^]

Rights. Since this is only a small bit, I can't fully evalurate how the plot is moving or the characters. Sorry! (this also makes it hard for me to tell you if it sounds too much like something based off Twilight, it might not sound that way at all when there's more and everything becomes clear.). When there is more PM me and I will look at it. ^_^

Overall this is very good. Extra 10% bonus for it having a vampire in it! XD

^_^ Keek!

Oh! See my pretty blue name? It gives you permission to PM me if you have any questions! ^_^ I enjoy helping people, so if you have any questions about the site, or want some tips, or need a crit, then please let me know.

The writing was good but..... (BigBadBear and Sleeping Valor both mentioned something to this effect already)..... Definitely too Twilightish.

Firstly, I want to welcome you to the YWS!

Secondly, I have never read Twilight, so I can't accuse you of plagiarism like the other two reviewers have.

Thirdly, please never use the "pre" feature. It makes it difficult to read. Not so much a problem for such a short piece, but once you begin to post longer stories, it will be.

Fourthly, this forum is for essays, speeches, documentaries, etc... for NON fiction pieces. This is fiction (as far as I know, vampires do not exits ^_~) and should thus go in a fiction forum such as Fantasy Fiction.

Those things said, I will get onto the critique:

There are a bunch of pretty basic spelling/punctuation/grammar mistakes which have been fixed in the version below:

crazychicgonemad wrote:I woke up that day knowing he was gone, knowing he had left. The man I loved, the man who was insanely beautiful, the man who said he'd follow me to the edge of the universe, the man who was not but a man at all. I had fallen in love with a vampire. He had warned me the night before that it was too dangerous for me if he stayed. No, I had told him, it doesn't matter to me, Christopher. This was something I continued to repeat to him. I cant take that chance, love, he told me. We'd been discussing this for what seemed like hours. Then we had stayed silent for a long time. He had finally turned to look deep into my eyes.

"Listen to me Beth," I obeyed silently, "if they know I'm with you God knows what they'll do with you. I just cant take that chance."I had began shaking my head stubbornly, and then he held my head still and kissed my lightly. That's when--naturally--I had fainted. I knew he had done this on purpose and I screamed a profanity in my head. The finally I woke up the next day to find myself alone.

I hope this helps! Please feel free to PM me if I was unclear about anything!

~Azila~

Hello there! Welcome to YWS! Please remember to do two critiques before posting any of your own work -- the 2:1 critique-to-literary work ratio is a rule we have here.

While you're at it, read the rest of the rules here.

On another sidenote, polls are really unnecessary and a lot of folks tend to be discouraged by polls. It just looks bad. So don't put one with your literary works, okay?

I agree with Jared (BigBadBear) -- this really needs to be longer. There's really nothing to critique because there isn't enough story. And I haven't read Twilight, but don't copy it. That's generally bad.

...Honestly, this is so short I have no real constructive comments because I don't have a good feel for your writing. Why don't you write more, post it here, and send me a PM so I can really give you a hand? Helping you is my job, after all.

Much love.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

P.S. If you'd like me to be your Mentor, let me know! I'd be delighted to help you out around the site.

ok, ok yeah i know it sounds twilighty, but in my defense Im in love with this kind of stuff and no matter how much i try it always comes out that way. I even tried writing some historical fiction. That way it would be way hard for twilight to weasel itself back in. To make a long story short- quite litterally out of nowhere popped a vampire and suddenly it was twilight just moderatly different. HELP!

ok i need to critique two other peices of writing right...but im no good at that.


Sorry if I made any fellow twilight fans angry,
its a sickness i tell you.

We forgive you.

Follow these steps!

Pick a character. Give them a personality, issues, all that good stuff.

What are their goals? What changes have hapenned in their life?

What world are they living in? How does it, and other people in it, influence their current life?

Now, keeping all that good stuff in mind, decide on a conflict. It's easiest if this conflict stems from them. Ex: character loves cookies. --> Loves them so much they plan to sneak into a baking competition and impersonate a judge.

If you can't find conflicts, then YWS can always help. There are nice places to put ideas and ask for input.

Another thing you can do, is just pick the characters personal conflicts. Then make other characters, giving them goals, issues, personality, etc.

Why are these characters all together? What do they have in common? Why might they intereact with each other?

I think you can figure it out from there. At the end of your story, the conflicts should be resolved, so now you just have to decide how, and figure out what happens in between.

RULES
Vampire are cool, you can use them. However, don't copy, right? This hard sometimes. Set rules. What things did you most like about Twilight? Now, ban them. If you see something similar, change it somehow and make it yours.

Ex: You thought it is cute how Bella faints when Edward kisses her.
Becomes: Char 1 faints when their romantic interest kisses them because they have a weak heart and the excitment makes it skip.

But wait, that still sounds very Twilight ish, no?

No worries. You continue!

Ex: You like how Edward chooses to leave Bella to protect her.
Becomes: You don't want to copy, but you like the sentiment, right? So what issues did you decide your second character had that might cause him to leave out of concern for his love? Obviously that his family might eat her isn't the right answer. Scramble through your mind and find something that retains that self sacrifice concept, but doesn't come right out of twilight.

You get it. You liked Twilight, but not exactly for the plot. You liked it because of how the plot made you feel. You want to create something that will make people feel the same way. Find the THEMES that you like, and find ways of bringing them into your story without the copy paste.

Hope that helps! If you need any other help or have a question about above advice (or anything else), PM me!

^_^ Keek!

I don't know if this should be in the nonfiction section...O.o

Good but not perfect. The amount of Vampire stories on this site are getting high.

I don't really like them myself (Sry to all the vamp lovers here), But this seems good anywayz.

Good luck.......................................................................................................................................
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

Okay I hate to say it, to repeat it, since I get angry when others accused me of it, right now IT SEEMS LIKE TWILIGHT!!! But you could, like me prove them wrong like I did. Everyone says its nothing like Twilight now. Okay back to you

It was a short clip and needs to be longer. Everyone appriciates a short chapter but not two paragraphs. Aside from the Twilight similarities I like it, and hope you keep going with it.

I won't say its fiction. Who am I to judge? It just might be real in this crazy world. Anyways I hope you continue it and please PM me when you post more on this story.