Only you

[pre] When you’re devoid of me
Eyes sip tears of sorrow
Heart crumbles with a sting
Mentality hazes
And Recollections subside

Veins pulse with desire
Ravenous for that sensation
The twinge insufferable
Crave to depart this life
You wouldn’t desire me that route

I distinguish my necessity
Ought to exist time
Lacking you
Have to continue
And survive existence

Just wish to suffer
Your tender grip
Arms encase me
Hug me mother


Sense your touch
Tears appear
Murmur sweet terms
The ache is over[/pre]

I like it. I don't see anything wrong with it really. Keep up the good work.

SimonCowellLuver

Thank you
That is how I felt last night.

Nice poem, I think it's one of the best you've written so far. There's one thing I might suggest that kind of distracted me about it. The line that says:

Fall_Into_The_Sky wrote:[pre]
Heart crumbles with sting
[/pre]

I think it would flow better if it was Heart crumbles with a sting.

Once again, I don't have anything wrong with your work and I think that even though you only checked it once, it was good enough for me!
Keep it up, Fall_Into_The_Sky!
shanan-cat!

nice job. i loved the formatting, the way it curved was pretty cool.

nice poetry. keep it up!

I liked this! Nothing I would say really, just what souldier said. This is a very nice poem, well flowing, good background to it.

Nice! Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Hi there,

I can't say I like this at all. You have some lovely imagery in there, and it's used fairly well. But it gets lost will all the other issues.

One: The format. Now, while I'm not against creative formatting, this has no purpose. It doesn't enhance or connect to the poem at all, and it's slightly frustrating to read - mainly due to the default font that comes with Pre settings.

Two: The lac of punctuation means that I have no idea where things are starting or stopping. Your flow was disturbed by it and it lost out on meaning because the lines themselves lose impact when not read the way that is intended - and how am I to know the intentions with no guidlines?

Three: In most of these lines you lack a subject. It's almost a convoluted stream of consciousness.

"When you're devoid of me
Eyes sip tears of sorrow
Heart crumbles with a sting
Mentality hazes
And Recollections subside"

Whose eyes sip tears? Whose heart, what mentality, and what recollections? I'm so confused by the entire poem, when I read things like this and there's no real way to know what's going on.

You need to attack a subject to the lines: "my eyes" "the heart" "weak meantality" - as it is it's like you just strang a list of words together with no thought.

I do, however, quite like your last line. It's a fantastic ending, being definitive and strong. Memorable. Nice work.

I think this needs quite a bit of work, but you have a good base.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I liked it, it was very confusing though. I loved the vivid imagery though.

Very nice. I liked it quite a bit, but there's something about it that just doesn't click. I have no idea what it is though...

Oh, and the purpose of the poem is unclear. Is this about you're mother, a relationship, what?

Other than that, it was pretty good. Not too shabby, but you could give who it is about.


Keep on writing

**L_A

Oh, the words that can urupt from a hartbroken mouth. With such flowidity, do the word spread onto the page of anger, regret, or vengace. So has what has been done here. Well done.
Ok, Dustin stops bing wierd now. No, realy, good poem. enjoyed it.