Dawn

‘You’re a freak, nature girl!’ They spat, ‘You don’t belong here, and you never will.’

The "t" in "They" should be lowercase. Also, why do you use single quotations (')instead of the traditional double (")?

Night had draped it’s shadowy, star-encrusted veil over the heavens.

Excellent description.

‘Oscar…’ I sighed with relief, chucking the cup to the side, ‘I’m so glad you’re alright’.

That last period should go inside the quotation, not outside.

Your sentence variety is lacking throughout the piece--particularly, sentence length. An occasional, short, snappy sentence without conjunctions will benefit flow. These are my only qualms, and they are minute phenomena. An excellent prologue that has doubtlessly grabbed my interest.

Wow, this is a very good prologue. It's good how you started it with a metaphor, espeically since it's an interesting one (Pain surged through my body like an angry bolt of lightning.)

There are quite a few nice, descriptive passages in here (e.g. scratching bloody rivers all along my arms and legs as they cut against the gravely ground). However, it sort of seems to lose its flow a bit towards the end of the prologue. Maybe try rewording some of those sentences.

Overall, great job, really interesting intro to whatever will follow!

Thanks for the replies and crit everyone! =] I'll go edit the grammar, and when I do the rewrite I'll take into account all your advice x

Ooh, I really liked this first chapter, it pulled me into the story, got me interested right away. I want to read more!

As for edits... Uhm...

Because in a world where it means everything to be a magician, if you’re not, then you are hated.

This phrase just seemed... really clunky and awkward to me. The first half of the sentence was fine, but something about the way the second half is structured just... bugs me. Maybe something like: "Because in my world, it means everything to be a magician-- something I can never be." would sound more natural. I guess my problem with "if you’re not, then you are hated." sounds like telling, rather than showing.

Other then that, I have no complaints. This is a great start, can't wait to read more!

This was a great prologue in my opinion. The descriptions, especially when she's in pain, were really great. My favorite one was when she felt like the lightening was surging through her.

This prologue really got me curious as to what will happen next. It gave us an insight into a new magical world and I can't wait to read more. I'll be sure to read chapter one when it comes out.

thanks everyone! =]

"Because in my world, it means everything to be a magician-- something I can never be."

Yeh I think that sounds better, thanks *changes*