Dream on Thunder

I got bored in U.S. History and came up with this. Hope you like


Thunder
Never leading,
Always following.
A shadow to the light

An echo
Of a dangerous beauty.
Causing babes to panic
When the true threat has passed

A coded voice
Waiting to be heard,
To be deciphered.
Calling out to clouds above

An essence,
A soul waiting to be seen
A hand yearning for a sword;
For a chance to strike back

Dreamer

This is really crazy abstract, but the style itself fits with what you're saying. The rhythm is kind of strange, though, so maybe that's something you might want to think about - the words are jerky, and don't flow too well. But the imagry is definently wonderful.

Ha - and yeah, I do the same thing. I constantly doodle and write all kinds of stuff while in history or government class (which is even worse!)...

This was really good. I really liked the rythm. It was different, but good.
One part didn't seem to flow for me:

An echo
Of a dangerous beauty.
Causing babes to panic
When the true threat has passed

I think the third line needs to have one less syllable.

Sometimesinbetween

Okay, so thunder is an amazing thing. I love it to bits and pieces. ^^ And I like the fact that you chose to do a poem entirely on it. The problem is that it fails to grab me.

Consider what thunder is, how it sounds and feels (for often in the late nights, thunder can be more real than a persons touch) and express it. Nowhere in your poem did I feel the magesty that thunder is. As an element there is so much room for imagery, for playing with the sounds and sights and feelings of the entire event, but what you have here is an almost clinical look at it. It's especially odd considering your final line of "dreamer" which indicates the intangible and creative.

The structure of your poem is an example of the above. The voice is static, it drones on without feeling, without emotion. You've not entered feeling into the poem - and to me that loses my attention, my feeling for the entire thing.

You used punctuation well, and chose a great topic, I just think you need some more description and some emotion to make it truely great.

If you do anything with this, please Pm me, I'd like to see it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I really like the rhythm, the puncuation and the format, but ther's no... emotion. I know you can portray 'thunuder' in many different ways, but I just can't feel the emotion here.

The poem is great other than that, and I genuinly thought it was catchy and interesting.

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Hey girl!
Totally loved the poem! But I'd like it better if you had mad it longer, you know?
It was still good though!
Keep it up!
shanan-cat!

I liked this, the stanzas were short and sweet and that is the best way.

You used some good imagery but I think you could add just a little more to do with the thunder and the dreams. If you do this, it'll make the poem seem more mystical, I think and therefore give it a more dreamy effect.

I think I have a little problem with the last two stanzas compared to the first two, because they run on a slightly different flow, but other than that, I think you pretty much have it going here.

Ginge.

I love this, Risa. Your imagery is BEAUTIFUL, especially this stanza:
An echo
Of a dangerous beauty.
Causing babes to panic
When the true threat has passed

That's GORGEOUS.
The whole thing kinda reminds me of a haiku.
I really have nothing negative to say, except that the other stanzas are a bit choppy. Otherwise, it's amazingly great. (And kinda reminds me of Erica, if you know what I mean. )

Keep up the good work!

-Elise

I like this one... you have a beautiful idea here... you need more meat to it... it's flow is okay, but it's kinda awkward to read... you're a little jerky, so to say... not bad considering it was a US History poem!!! I know those moments! Only... when it comes to US History I draw on the spot instead of write!!! All-in-all, I loved the jist of the poem and think if you were to polish it up a little it'd be a very enjoyable thought-provoking thing to read!!!

I love this poem the imagery is amazing and I love how you linked thunder to so many different things. I liked how the rythm changed it was like nothing i've ever read before. Girl it was amazing!!

Wow! I really loved this poem. The title really grabbed me, and at first I wasn't sure about the poem, but then it really striked me as unique. I liked the flow and the rhythm. There was something about it, a bit hypnotic even.
Wait to go!

-Katsuro. =]