The Emotion of Anger

A piece of paper,
Ripped to shreds.
Blankets yanked apart,
Now held by just a thread.

A hole punched
Into the wall,
A bruised hand
Shows it all.

Clothes kicked into a corner,
Stereo cranked way up high,
I can feel it echo in my head
Feel anger inside, burning bright.

The emotion is so deep,
I start to breathe more heavily,
It takes forever to slow down
After I've started getting angry.


I don't think that this is very good, after all I wrote it to "slow down" when I was angry, but I posted it to see what others thought.

Thanks for reading,

Teh Wozzinator

The emotion is so deep,
I start to breathe more heavily,
It takes forever to slow down
After I've started getting angry.

This is the only stanza (methinks that's the name) I think could use some real improvement. The rest rhymes well and is quite likable in it's simplicity. But this last bit needs a little tweaking. Deep and down don't rhyme, which I forgive because it's poetry and not everything has to rhyme. =P Methinks my main issue is the number of syllables. I read poems rhythmically and that first verse is less uniform than the other first lines.

Other than that, no complaints. It's cute. ^_^ It almost tempts me to start doing poetry again. Almost.

^_^ Keek!

It's just the second and fourth lines that are supposed to rhyme....

=P Not rhyme, rhythm. The beat. =P In my head it follows a beat, almost like a song. So I notice when one of the lines doesn't fit into the beat I've been following.

Hey, Wozzel! I'm baaaaack! (getting tired of that? I'm not!)

This was a really good poem. I think that you conveyed the message quite clearly. But, there is always room for improvement!

The emotion is so deep,
I start to breathe more heavily,
It takes forever to slow down
After I've started getting angry.

As Valor said, this needs some work on it. Firstly, my opinion! Take out 'forever' in 'It takes forever to slow down' please. And find another word. Thesaurs.com is your best friend!

'After I've started getting angry" please remove. And don't state the obvious. I hate it when authors tell us things that we could infer. Try to find another last line that's not so... cheesy.

As for the rest of the poem, it was pretty darn good, just like everything else that you've written! Great job!

BBB

its good but it could use some work, change a few things around and it will be good...keep up the good work. ^_^

I really like the use of your emotion-- hope you really didn't punch a hole in your wall!! My only suggestion is to not try so hard at rhyming. Another way that you can get the same kind of feel as rhyming is to use rhythm. Just let the poem take you where it will, that way its not so forced, and your emotions will come out even deeper then before, that way you can also work tone into it too. But I agree with BigBadBear, the last stanza doesn't fit, try reading your poem out loud and then close your eyes when you get to that part and sometimes you'll say something else that will go better in that spot. But overall I really did like it! (Hope your wall is still alive )

Great job. I don't see anything to critique really all the technical stuff is perfect couldn't be better. I really liked it. That's all i have to say about it.

Have a good day. SimonCowellLuver

I think this is a good start for a poem! But you need some things to spice it up. You describe anger so plainly, why not use metaphors and imagery, bright colors and noises and smells and tastes and all of that? Imagery is an amazing thing. You don't want to tell me how you feel when you're angry [or if you do...that's kind of a silly poem because I know what anger feels like] you want to make me feel like you do. You want me to feel angry too, and hear my music pounding in my ears, all of that. It's a really good base for a poem, but a rewrite might be called for. Think about it: what are you really trying to tell your reader? That you're angry? Well, then tell us why you're angry, too! If you have a motivation we'll be more likely to get "into" the poem and feel the anger with you. You might be angry because another kid stole your cookie and ate it--which isn't a very good reason to be angry so I couldn't be angry with you. But if it is the anger felt after a loved one dies, than this could be a very powerful poem. But choose the why with respect to how you feel, and then throw it on us, and make us [the reader] feel.

I hope that helped!!

writeholic wrote:I really like the use of your emotion-- hope you really didn't punch a hole in your wall!! My only suggestion is to not try so hard at rhyming. Another way that you can get the same kind of feel as rhyming is to use rhythm. Just let the poem take you where it will, that way its not so forced, and your emotions will come out even deeper then before, that way you can also work tone into it too. But I agree with BigBadBear, the last stanza doesn't fit, try reading your poem out loud and then close your eyes when you get to that part and sometimes you'll say something else that will go better in that spot. But overall I really did like it! (Hope your wall is still alive )

Don't worry, my wall is still intact... I'm not strong enough (and I wasn't mad enough) to do that.... But it fit. Thanks everyone for reading!

Hello =P

I really liked this poem (maybe i should try this poem writing tactic...hmmm), but the two lines of the last stanza kinda threw me off.

Hmm, i liked this....very nice indeed.

You wrote it with gritty intention, and that's what I as a reader got. Your title is 'The Emotion of Anger' and I felt that. I belived your anger and frustration.

Good imagery here:

A piece of paper,
Ripped to shreds.

The issue of the rhythm was raised, and too be honest, I felt it quite forced. Moreover, I felt like I had to work to make a good beat pattern in my head. A good revision will see to that- it's a minor issue, and after all, I'm just one person with one opinion.

Nice finishing line:

It takes forever to slow down
After I've started getting angry.

Honest, effective, and seemingly effortless. The way a poem should be.

Eimearxx

The rhythm was a little odd in this poem. I really couldn't find a way to make it work in my head. The rhyming was cool, but the rhythm was forced into nothingness.

But I liked the simplicity of the poem. It is stark, obvious. There's nothing veiled about it, just like there's nothing really veiled about anger once it gets started. It's great.

Nice job. Look at the other comments and see what they have to say. They all have great advice and it would really help this poem out.

*confetti*

~GryphonFledgling

"high" and "bright" ehhh... not quite a rhyme. And "heavily" and "angry" definitely do not rhyme. I read those and I'm just like, "Whoa!" because it's so off. Besides that I like it! the first three stazas brings forth really clear imagery in a flash, which is what anger feels like. And in the fourth stanza, you get a feeling of slowing down, which matches it perfectly. Pretty good work Wozzell!

~Yoyo

i liked this poem it was really good