Young Writers Society

let’s be honest here.
no one’s looking.

so, I think
I just might
be in love with you.

but I’m not certain –
it’s just this feeling I have.
Do you know it?
Do you have it too?
Can you kiss me quick,
so we’ll know for sure?

I can’t say
I can’t say -
my life is only a liquid blur
slipping through a sieve

are you listening again?
will you allow me
to understand and be content
in the here and now, dear?
it may be all I’ll ever know.

so please,
just take my hand,
and let’s be honest here.

so please,
just take my hand,
and let’s be honest here.

This right here you can make "So please" combine with the second line because it isn't a real line. This poem has it good parts and its bad but it was to cliche for me sorry.

Well if you have ANY PROBLEMS PM me whenever.

SimonCowellLuver

Hey! What's up?

Ok, I have to go start by saying: use capitals! Please. It makes it sooo much easier to read! You don't have to capitalize every line, just the beginnning of each sentence/stanza. I went ahead and edited the capitals right here:

Let’s be honest here.
No one’s looking.

So, I think
I just might << I think right here it would read smoother if you put, "I might just"
be in love with you.

But I’m not certain –
it’s just this feeling I have.
Do you know it?
Do you have it too? << Right here, I would take out 'too'.
Can you kiss me quick,
so we’ll know for sure?

I can’t say
I can’t say - << I don't understand what you mean by 'I can't say"
my life is only a liquid blur
slipping through a sieve << 'sieve' is that a word? Or a typo?

Are you listening again?
Will you allow me
to understand and be content
in the here and now, dear?
It may be all I’ll ever know.

So please,
just take my hand,
and let’s be honest here.

Nice poem. There wasn't any definate rhythem or anything, but still, it was nice. Not cliche, like Simon over there says.

Cya! Nice job!

BBB



I have a blue star now! Yay!!!!

Wow, I really love this. I think everything is fine just how you have it, contrary to what Bear said. (Sorry Bear!) And it is definitely not cliche. Ignore Simon. Lol. But wow. I really do love your writing style. It reads like your concious thoughts, in poetic form. This is a lovely poem and encompasses your feelings perfectly.

"my like is only a liquid blur
slipping though a sieve"

Might I just say, brilliant lines there. Probably my favorite. I'll really be looking forward to more of your work now!

~Yoyo

I really liked this.

Well, to jump in on the debate that seems to have begun: I don't think that it was cliche. And please do use capitals. BBB's edited version was a bit easier to read.

This was great in the way that it was broken up in just the right way so that it felt almost like the person stuttering or halting. And yet it was fluent and thorough. I loved it.

"so please,
just take my hand,
and let’s be honest here."

Favorite part. No doubt about it.

Great, great job here.

*applause*

~GryphonFledgling

I like the idea, but it's a bit cliché, a lot of people use these kind of stories and now it's getting kind of old.
You also forgot to capitilize all of the beginnings of your sentences. You have to do this in order to do well in writing, especially on this site.
It was good but like i said, it was cliché.
Sorry!
shanan-cat!

Love this poem, and I dnt believe that is ruined by a "cliche".

You personalised it and made it about YOUR story. I liked it well done


Dofs...

Finchley wrote:let’s be honest here.
no one’s looking.

so, I think
I just might
be in love with you.

but I’m not certain –
it’s just this feeling I have.
Do you know it?
Do you have it too?
Can you kiss me quick,
so we’ll know for sure?

I can’t say
I can’t say -
my life is only a liquid blur
slipping through a sieve

are you listening again?
will you allow me
to understand and be content
in the here and now, dear?
it may be all I’ll ever know.

so please,
just take my hand,
and let’s be honest here.

Sorry, but this poem didn't really turn out as good as it could've been. Fix the rythm and words, and you'll have an awesome poem. Keep up the good work!

-Rick