Him - #1

Well, Jabber convinced me to write this dream I had a couple nights back. It wasn't nearly as frightning as this, because most of my dreams are random and mean nothing, but this was struck me odd.

I have never read a story about a ghost. All the stories end when the hero lives happily ever after - or dies. What happens to their spirit? Who takes the to heaven? Who takes them to hell?

He is the only spirit who has that power. And everyone knows of Him...

Him

I don’t remember how I died. It all happened rather quickly, you see. I just wish that I could remember the last time that I saw my family. My parents, you know? I just… left them…

I remember specifically falling asleep. Yeah, I’m pretty sure of that. And then what happened? I was feeling very edgy that whole night, as if I knew something were going to happen. As if I knew I wasn’t going to live.
But how did I die?

There was something crawling up the stairs. I could hear it so clearly. Why couldn’t my parents? Everyone was asleep, yes, but still, the footsteps could be heard.

They were coming closer to my room. I was lying on my bed, clutching my blankets. Yes, it’s all coming back. I was there. I was listening to Him creep closer.

My pulse started to rush. My bottom lip trembled. The footsteps grew louder and closer together. I could feel beads of sweat forming at my hairline.

Why couldn’t anyone else hear Him?

And then – it all stopped. Everything was silent. I could barely hear the whimper of my own breath as it escaped from out of my lips.

He was standing outside of my door. Waiting. But waiting for what? I thought. I drew the blankets over my head and shut my eyes.

It’s all just a dream. He couldn’t get me. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t!

And then the door soundlessly swung open. I held my breath and clutched the blankets tighter, my knuckles turning white. He was surprisingly quiet, not making a single fragment of sound as he floated, deathlike, to the side of my bed. Why had I heard the footsteps earlier, but not now? I carefully lifted the blankets so I could look at Him.

He was holding a long, jagged scythe. I pinched my eyes closed and waiting.

Nothing happened. I didn’t die… that’s not how I died. That’s just what started it. He didn’t kill me. Not yet, anyway.

The Reaper couldn’t kill me. I don’t know why. He just stopped, right there beside my bed. He had the chance.

That still doesn’t answer my question, though. How did I die?

I never believed in life after death. It was all just a big hoax. There was no such thing as heaven, as hell. It was all just a big lie. But then, I guess, I never considered that I would be killed. I never thought that one day, I would be there, waiting to be let in. Or down there on the other hand.
So, how did I die? It was shortly after he left that I was diagnosed with leukemia. The doctors said that my bone marrow had cancer in it.

The cancer hit me real fast. It was suddenly there, as if there was another mouth to feed. Another hunger that would kill me sooner or later.

I wasn’t in the hospital long. In fact, less than a week. The doctors had predicted a month. Their analysis was wrong. The leukemia had finished me off.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought dying would be, really. It didn’t hurt. Only occasionally, when the doctors were pricking me with sharp tools and such. But the pain wasn’t nearly as bad as the hunger. I was craving everything while I was in that hospital cot. From cheese to chocolate, I needed it. And they didn’t give me anything.

Hospitals piss me off.

I think it was the fourth or fifth day that I was in the hospital that I saw Him again. I wasn’t as terrified, this time. He entered the room when I was alone, at night. His black hood was draped over his face. He wore all black, just like the stories had told me.

His scythe was carried dreadfully in his right hand. The blade was rigid and pointed. The staff was black, matching the rest of his clothes.

His face was hidden in shadow.

“It’sss time…” He whispered, drawing out the 's'. His breath wheezed. I tried to be brave. I really did. I tried to look away from his frightening gaze. I tried to ignore the scythe that was pointing down, ready to swing.

I tried to ignore the pain as the blade cut into my chest. I grinded my teeth and I winced. The pain was horrible, but not as horrible as what happened next.

The Reaper raised his hood off from his head. I stared into his eyes. There was no pupil. The whole eye was black. Both of them stared at me, searing into my soul.

I tried to fight back. It was a game. I tried desperately to free myself from His deathly stare. He made me focus on the black sclera of his eyes. I looked away, fitfully. He snarled, and finally, I gave up.

He won.

_

Maybe a little cliche, but hey, it was my dream. And this isn't the end. Nope. Just the beginning of a short story. one of the many that I am working on...

Sadly.

BBB

I call first dibs!!

Yay, you took my advice! ^^

I could hear it, [no comma] so clearly.

But waiting for what, [question mark instead] I thought.

You can still use italics for thoughts.

I drew the blankets over my head and shut my eyes.

Or down, there, on the other hand.

Neither comma is needed. ^^

Another hunger that would kill me, [no comma] sooner or later.

I think it was the fourth [s]of[/s] or fifth day that I was in the hospital that I saw him again.

His breath wheezed and his tongue carried the ‘s’ for an eerily long time.

You showed that in the dialogue. ^^ I don't think it's needed again.

I tried to ignore the scythe that was pointing down, [s]reading[/s] ready to swing.

Or readying?

He snarled, and finally, I gave up.

Ooh, frightening! ^_^ I liked it. I got shivers here and there. Nothing else to say, really. You kind of rushed over the hospital part of it, where the doctor told him of the leukemia. I wasn't sure if you intended on skimming over that part or fleshing it out into a major part of the story. It was right in between, lol.

Otherwise, wonderful! ^^ You say it's a short story-to-be? Can't wait to read more, then!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey there!

I don't read this kind of story very often, so I can't offer much over whether it was cliche or not, but I'll have you know that I rather enjoyed it. I did think one thing was a little confusing

The Reaper couldn’t kill me. I don’t know why. He just stopped, right there beside my bed. He had the chance.

Okay, I got that, but at the end of the piece you say

I tried to fight back. It was a game. I tried desperately to free myself from his deathly stare. He made me focus on the black sclera of his eyes. I looked away, fitfully. He snarled and finally I gave up.

He won.

But... I thought you just said the reaper couldn't kill him. Meh. Maybe I just need more sleep.

I never thought that one day, I would be there, waiting to be let in. Or down, there, on the other hand.

I thought the wording on this sentence was kinda weird. Maybe "I never thought that one day, I would be up there, waiting to be let in. Or down there, on the other hand." Would be a bit clearer? Or something similar.

Great start, I want to read more!

This was short, but it was nice. You did rush through the hospital part a bit, but maybe that was intentional.

At first, I liked the italicized he, but actually, after a while, it got kind of annoying. It was like putting an emphasis on the word every time it popped up and it threw off the rhythm, even as I was just reading it in my head. I understand your intention, but it got kind of repetitive. But this is just my own opinion. I'd get more than just one if I were you before you change it.

But this was a great piece. The writing was really solid. I didn't catch any grammatical errors as I was reading and I really can't think of anything else critical to say... Great job!

Good luck with your writing! *thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

Yikes! That gave me shivers..... I think you did a really good job of showing us the story, even though it was you telling it to us, you didn't just tell, and I could picture everything in a way that was really quite scary.
The only problem I had with this was the way you always put 'he', 'him' etc... in italics. In the beginning, where you say,

I was listening to him creep closer.

it works fine, but after that, (and I think someone mentioned this already) it messes with how the story reads. Usually when you put a word in italics, you read it with extra stress on that word. Where you use it in the beginning, it works fine because that is how you would naturally read it, but later in the story it becomes confusing and disrupts the flow because it is un-natural.
One more thing... At the beginning when the reaper comes for the first time, you say,

I remember specifically falling asleep. Yeah, I’m pretty sure of that. And then what happened? I was feeling very edgy that whole night, as if I knew something were going to happen. As if I knew I wasn’t going to live.
But how did I die?

The bolded words make it sound as if you die that night, I was fully expecting that, and I was kind of taken aback when you didn't. You might change it to:
"As if I knew he was warning me that I was going to die soon." Or something like that... You could also just cut it out and put it at the part where you actually do die. Just ideas....
Anyway, really good job on this, ad I will definitely come back to read the rest!

Hey, thanks for all of the critiques! About the italics: I took them away and replaced them with Capitals. So, now instead of, "He snarled.", it will be, "He snarled."

Yeah. Now for some questions!

You kind of rushed over the hospital part of it, where the doctor told him of the leukemia. I wasn't sure if you intended on skimming over that part or fleshing it out into a major part of the story.

Yeah, I know I kinda rushed it. I'll try and talk about it more in the upcoming chapters/parts whatever they will be. Thanks, Jabbber!

Yeah. I guess that was the only question...

So, thanks: Jabber, zankoku_na_tenshi, GryphonFledgling, and 1dering at stars!! It's meant so much to me!

BBB

Hi BBB!

Nice to see some more work from you (I must read 'I think I'm in Love')

It's intersting how you managed to write a story fom a dream, but that's cool really because our imaginatino just goes made in our sleep!

I was listening to Him creep closer.

Capital 'Him' needed? It's not really my area but I would have thoguht lowercase.

It’s all just a dream. He couldn’t get me. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t!

I liked that bit!

So, how did I die? It was shortly after he left that I was diagnosed with leukemia. The doctors said that my bone marrow had cancer in it.

I know it's a dream, but even so, to go from suspense under to your sheet to months of cancer... bah, it's a dream! What Am I talking about?!

“It’sssss time…”

I don't think all those ssss's are needed


Well! I liked that, it was certainly a break from all that heavy stuff! This was pretty cool, I liekd the idea, and I dnd't find it too cliche at all!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

I'm baaaaaaack!!!!! (lol!)

Wow. This was really sweet. Like all of your work. No, really, I like the idea.

I also like your wording.

The only two edits I have are these:

"Why couldn’t anyone else hear him?" Here, you should capitalize the "him", because you did that every other time you mentioned it.

Also

"It’sssss time…" I agree with Aedomir, probably not all those s's are needed.

Thanks again for another great read. I'll be reading more. (And thanks for reading my stuff!)

Teh Wozzinator