breath held the world may quiet, still

*Found this in a bottom drawer. Not sure whether it's a touch too confessional and/or pretentious. Comments?


breath held the world may quiet, still.

Unzip these eyes. Douse with color
- any will do. It is to feel, that concerns
Me; that same blanket that so often smothers.
BREATHE! is all, and you will live
perhaps better than with your eyes
drawn shut to its light.

There is the world and the water both.
the rain, the tears: a source we
no doubt all came from too, once.
Like them: my thoughts
still slippery wet from birth.

Please don’t worry –
I’ll hold my breath but a second longer,
just long enough to remember
the way the world fades underwater.

breath held,
the earth may quiet;
hover still a moment longer.

Puts me in mind of drowning a little bit- I'm kinda confused about the message but I love your sense of imagery and the strong emotion that emerges from it. Also, great use of emphasis on some of the words, it really brings out a nice rhythm to it

It's got great, depth, I think that's the right word.
I'm not a big fan of poetry I think it's too simple
(No offence to poetry writers-I know it takes a lot to put together!)
But this got my brain working!
I liked it, it's one of those things you have to think about, I like that.
Good work:)

It was a good poem. The only problem I have with this is that I find myself not wanting to read it again. Not even a second glance. Whether it was the overwhelming water element that fell heavy on my chest or the fact that a word or two threw off the flow.

Good poem. Not great but good.

I LOVE this. Everything was so vivid it gave me the chills. Like someone else said it gave me the feeling of drowning, which I thought was really amazing! it was dark and menacing but it wasn't overly creepy. There isn't really anything bad I can say about this poem! so I'll just commence to recite my favorite line

Unzip these eyes. Douse with color
- any will do. It is to feel, that concerns

Wow wow wow WOW. "Unzip these eyes" what imagery! there are a million ways to say open your eyes but this one is the most creative I've ever read.

Overall the whole poem flowed like a gushing stream, and I was overtaken in the current. I really loved it, please keep writing!!

Cameron wrote:*Found this in a bottom drawer. Not sure whether it's a touch too confessional and/or pretentious. Comments?


breath held the world may quiet, still.

Unzip these eyes. Douse with color
- any will do. It is to feel, that concerns
Me; that same blanket that so often smothers.
BREATHE! is all, and you will live
perhaps better than with your eyes
drawn shut to its light.

There is the world and the water both.
the rain, the tears: a source we
no doubt all came from too, once.
Like them: my thoughts
still slippery wet from birth.

Please don’t worry –
I’ll hold my breath but a second longer,
just long enough to remember
the way the world fades underwater.

breath held,
the earth may quiet;
hover still a moment longer.

I don't see a point to this, other than weanting to drown. Keep up the good work!

-Rick